How to go from Victim to Problem Solver

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Life is crazy and sometimes that craziness can cloud our ability to see the root of problems that plague us. I know I am guilty of poor me syndrome. I've realized though that self pity is not the only damaging thought pattern caused by not getting down to the root of a problem. Even more damaging is a sense of helplessness. Feeling helpless long term is something that can lead to depression and once you get down far enough, it's hard to climb back out of the negativity pit. I received this advice some time back and it's really stuck with me. In fact it's such a practical approach that so far it's never failed to pull me out when I feel the weight of something that at first seems outside my control.

A quick summary explanation of the technique is this: if you have a problem where you feel helpless or victimized then ask yourself why 5 times until you get to the root. Of course you can do less or more it's just about keeping it going until you get to something you actually have control over. Here is the story I was told in order to explain the technique.

Let's say for example your boss gives you a talking to because you were late to work. You feel like it wasn't your fault that you were late but they don't want to hear excuses, you feel like there is nothing you could have done and you are helpless to prevent the same thing from happening again. Now you're angry at your boss for not listening or being understanding.

Start at the top

Why were you late?

Because I got pulled over on the way to work.

Keep going

Why were you pulled over?

Because I was speeding.

Now most people would stop here and say, well obviously you can control this. Of course you can stop speeding but if you still would have been late, and your problem is your boss was mad about you being late, then you need to keep going.

Next thing

Why were you speeding?

Because I left the house late.

Of course someone can control when they leave the house, but you're not done yet because in order to solve that problem you have know why.

Why did you leave the house late?

Because I was arguing with my daughter.

Why were you arguing with your daughter?

Here is the answer that will give you a clue to the action you need to take in order to make a difference. The secret is to not stop too early. When you fall short of the root problem it will send you on a trip chasing your tail. The things that you will try won't actually solve your problem. If you've tried this with a problem that just won't go away then you know you're stopping short. Sometimes it's fear that makes us stop short. Sometimes we don't want to admit to ourselves the real reason behind a problem because to solve the problem we have to face something painful. Course corrections that will save us pain down the road are sometimes hard to face up to.

Sometimes you have to let go

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Just because you get to the root of a problem doesn't necessarily mean you know how to solve it. Just like the example included, many times when I've tried this technique I discover it's about a relationship issue. With relationship issues I don't have 100% control. Especially in an instance where it's about another persons problematic behavior. Like with the example above maybe you were arguing because she won't listen to you, you've tried everything including talking to your spouse, friends and therapist. Ultimately though you still have the power because even if there is no way to find resolution with the other person you don't have to engage. It's a choice!

I'm not saying letting go is easy. It's actually really really hard because it means letting go of the outcome we really wanted which was reconciliation. You have to learn to recognize the cost. What does holding on to an outcome you don't have full control over really costing you?

Not all things are worth letting go of right away. But if after this exercise you do choose to hang on at least you know you are doing so because you calculated the cost and you're making a choice. You can at least then alleviate the feeling that you are a victim and as you move forward have in your mind an ongoing cost of continuing with that relationship. It will help you make the decision to let go much easier down the road if you need to, or it may lead you to invest some additional energy setting better boundaries. Even if you don't let go of a relationship does not mean you have to stay in the room to endure a fight.

Follow me if you'd like to find out more about how to turn the idea of letting go into the easier choice instead of the difficult one. This one is coming soon.

"You don't have to have super powers to make positive life changes." -- a wonder woman code