Fuck your sombrero
Being sober is amazing. Then it isn’t.
My best friend, Jennifer, said it best: “You’re the only person I know dumb enough, being Hispanic, to choose to get sober the day before Cinco de Mayo.” Truth be told, I wasn’t certain what day it was as I was dry-heaving the contents of an empty stomach while on hands and knees in my bedroom at my dad’s house. Bile and Bacardi was surely going to be the last thing I’d remember. Cinco de Mayo wasn’t even in the periphery.
Margaritas weren’t really my jam anyhow. Not unless you made them with expensive tequila, just a splash of mixer and a shit ton of salt. If you even thought about putting that shit in a blender I would punch you on principal alone. That’s expensive tequila, jackass. Always serve that shit “neat” unless you’re with a bunch of assholes who can’t know you’re a hopeless drunk and they paid for it, and then do whatever the fuck you want with it.
Caucasians are really the only ones that fuck with this stupid holiday (yep, I just went there) with the exclusive purpose being the justification of drinking. I may have this all fucked up but here’s what I see: handfuls in the Asian communities get super excited and have a few parties. Denim, pouty lips, and cropped tops are standard issue uniforms for the ladies. Athletic gear and sideways ball caps for the guys. These parties aren’t raucous though and typically die down by midnight.
I usually don’t see too many African Americans getting shit-faced. Maybe I’m wrong, but any time I ever went to the bar, and I spent a lot of time there, incidents caused were always initiated by emblazoned white women, angry that their man has been cheating (or at least thinks he is) or drunk white guys. I use the term “guys” loosely. They’re really just undisciplined, hurt little boys out past their bedtimes, who got into dad’s Jack Daniels stash. At least that’s how they act when they think they have something to prove.
Hispanics will drink whenever and wherever. We don’t give a single fuck. We’ll drink at your company holiday party in the parking lot before we go in, at your cousin’s funeral (also in the parking lot), on long car rides because we’re thirsty and it’s hot out, we’ll take one into the movie theater and crack it open in the middle of the film, or on our neighbors lawn while we’re talking (often without a shirt if male). We don’t care where and we don’t need your white holiday. Keep your shitty and offensive Chevy’s sombrero, you'll need it to throw up into it later, Debra.
I’ve been sober since May 4, 2013. That’s a long time to go without a drink for a person like me. Not only do I not like many of you, but I also really don’t like me most of the time. My not liking myself is amplified when I can’t do simple tasks without wanting to kill one of you. Here’s the thing though: some of you are real self-absorbed, ass-faced robots and make me want to break things. I’m not exempt; I come fully loaded with my own factory setting fault enhancements. Being sober only makes me more aware of them.
Sobriety is great in that it gives you the opportunity to grow-the-fuck-up and see where you’ve been a jackass, but it in the same breath - it sucks dick. You have to look at your mistakes, where you’ve been less than adult and where you’ve been downright childish. Then you have to do some shit about it. What’s more is, it’s not a one-time thing. I have to continue to do this shit. I have to continue to look at where I’ve been a liar, or a cheat; where I’ve caused hurt and pain, and then I have to try to make it right. I’m not supposed to drink either, so now I’m super-duper fucked.
I still find myself prey to knee-jerk responses to emotionally charged situations. I’ll have to work on that. Not this week though.
Recently I got incredibly bent out of shape when I noticed that I had not been given the proverbial head nod from a friend of mine recognizing my anniversary. To my further chagrin, they made a point of giving kudos to someone else for the same accomplishment. What the actual fuck?! I scanned my brain to think of what I had done to offend this person. What “friend crime” had I committed? I came up with nothing, so I’m taking all future celebrations for that person out of my calendar. I’ll be making those place holders the skull and cross bones emoji so I don’t forget. I’m such a people person.
Sobriety: I’ve gotten better, I’m far from well.