Coming out of Hiding

How gentle can I be with myself? How much can I allow myself to be honest and raw? How much can I allow myself to tell the truth; the truth of joy...and the truth of sorrow, too? How much can I allow myself to just have fun? And how much can I allow myself to breathe and be all right? Right now. Just the way things are. Without “fixing” a thing?

How nonsensical is it that we don’t allow ourselves to do these things? Instead we hide ourselves away from what might heal us. We hide ourselves away from discovering how supported we can be in the world; and how like one another we actually are. We spend so much time putting up a “good front”. We spend a lot of time trying to “look okay.” And you know what? It’s exhausting. Not only that, it cuts us off from actually being okay. Telling the truth is a balm.

I’ve heard it said that if we could each read one another’s stories...the whole unvarnished thing; we would fall in love every time. I believe that.

We protect ourselves, each one, from everyone else. Isn’t that laughable, when you think about it? At least, this is what I’ve seen. It’s also what I’ve done. I’ve done it as if someone’s bad opinion would actually kill me. I’ve done it as if I didn’t belong in the world; and as if I were the only one who didn’t. That’s insanity. Hiding out from the world is insanity. Staying locked in dread is insanity.

So here I am, trying to find my way in the world and sometimes feeling a bit wobbly. I’m finding out it’s not that unusual a thing. It’s not uncommon. A lot of us, if not most of us, are trying to look “sure” when we’re not. We’re playing it by ear. And if we’re lucky, some of us learn to dance. We learn to be guided by something that isn’t guilt or fear.

What I’m finding out is that falling into being completely willing to screw up frees me. It frees me to be as I am, who I am, what I am...whatever that is. It frees me up to find out what that is. Being willing to make mistakes is freedom. Being willing to embarrass myself is freedom., And I am amazed to find that I slowly become more competent, not less.

I grew up not being able to laugh at myself much at all. I’m changing that. Bit by bit, one step at a time, I’m changing that. I’m learning not to be so closed off.

Dignity and self-respect are inside jobs. Everyone seems to “know” that. It gets said. The thing is, in my case at least, I had forgotten to actually live that way.

When I can love myself through whatever happens, no matter what happens, that’s dignity. That’s power. When I can finally forgive myself for botching up whatever I’ve botched up and admit how much it hurt, that’s dignity. That’s standing up again. That’s coming out of hiding. The miracle is that there is no botching it up, because whatever happened before is what brought me here. This is how kind life is. When I can appreciate my life, just the way it is...that too, is self respect. And that’s cause for celebration.

When I honor my own heart I am more available to honor yours. That’s connection. I have to risk if I want to meet you in that place. I have to risk if I want to talk about what’s important to me, and to actually hear what’s important to you.