Unassailable Stillness

There is something in my mind that niggles at me this morning; a vague sense of “I can’t be happy until…”. I wonder if you ever experience that. Why do we refuse to give ourselves permission now?

I am at a transition place in my life...and the “meanwhile” seems to be filled with a prodding.

I can’t be happy until I have created a home of my own.

I can’t be happy until I have created a regular income.

I can’t be happy until I feel safe in the world.

I can’t be happy until I have proven myself worthy; until I am earning a living.

I know how this works.

On some level I know that my home, my safety and my security aren’t something “outside” what I already am. I know that to look there is useless, futile folly.

On some level, I know that I am always safe, secure and at home. I know there is no wrong way for my life to unfold and there is nothing to prove.

Why does my heart call out for the sanctuary of God when God is always here, present and available?

Who seeks? Who searches? Who actually wants to know?

Who wants to prove something?

Who wants to conquer something?

Who wants to surrender? Who seems to not know how?

Something came to me yesterday, as I was riding in the car on a gorgeous day, looking out on the world:

“Let your grief be a sweetness.”

Regrets...what I perceive or imagine I have lost: the house I had, time, my youth, opportunities; let the pang of all that be a sweetness. Let it be seen and heard. Let it be honored and acknowledged.

The story is here, somehow, to be felt...for the deep richness of it to be experienced. To try to fight it, to be at war with it, doesn’t actually do any good.

And somehow...somehow...the truth is always regarding this experience from a place of complete and utter safety. Something watches from an Unassailable Stillness.

Rest, my heart. Be home.