I'm a fictional character and nothing about me is real - past is dead.
This is an article that I wrote to the Estonian Sensa magazine, to let people know that I'm ending my column. Maybe one of the most favorite ones I've written.
“My name is Jocke Salokorpi. I'm a 10-year-old boy with a 28-year experience.” This is how I started this column two years ago. This is my 24th article and very appropriately, without any planning, I have decided that it’s my last one. I have kept doing this for two full cycles and now I know I’m done. It has been a very interesting process but like all processes, they will come to an end. If this were my first article, I would say something like this: “My name is Jocke Salokorpi. I’m a fictional character and nothing about me is real. I’m fictional and non-real because what I am, is really just the result of my past. Past is dead, it is not here anymore. Still, it’s exactly what shapes my present and my future. My physical body, my emotional self, my thinking mind, they are all the outcome of 40 years of my life. It’s all the past. It’s all dead. Hence, I am fictional and nothing about me is real.”
(my Facebook page, still today)
Again, like always, I just let the writing go wherever it wants to go. I try to use as little critical thinking as possible. This will sometimes make me say things that sound quite heavy. It might sound like I’m in a deep crisis or something, but you shouldn’t worry my friends. These are very normal thoughts for people who are in a place where I’m at. Maybe some of you are there as well? Realizing that your life is a lie. I don’t mean that you are not honest, but that living a life that is ruled by your beliefs, habits and countless of automatic subconscious programs, has nothing to do with who you really are. It’s a lie and you are just playing a character. You feel that you want to fly free like a bird, to grow and expand, but in reality… nothing changes. You can sit and meditate, visualize, sing mantras, cleanse your chakras, but in the end, you are still just the result of your past. No real, unabiding change, has happened.
Some of you don’t know what I’m talking about. For you, this article won’t make a lot of sense and that is OK. It’s not that you can’t understand what I’m saying, it’s just that you are not in the same place where I’m at. Some might think that I’m in a “midlife crisis”, expecting me to soon buy a motorcycle or something. I do agree that it is a crisis, but it’s one that I, and every human on this planet, should have already in their teens. No, I’m not talking about puberty. I’m talking about the crisis of letting go of oneself. It’s when you truly realize that you are not real and you gradually start to let go of aspects of yourself that are obviously false. Nationality, religion, profession and many different roles, given to you by others and by yourself. It’s these aspects of ourselves, that we continuously try to protect and strengthen, that gives birth to the biggest “monster” in our life. Fear. Fear of not being enough, fear of not being loved, fear of rejection, fear of not “making it” and ultimately, the one only real fear… the fear of no-self.
This process of letting go of oneself is a messy process. Contrary to many beliefs, it’s not about “peace of mind” or “being in the now”. It’s a violent process where you need to rip off parts of yourself and see if what’s left is real or not. If I have told you that meditation and yoga are great tools for self-development, I haven’t lied to you. It’s true. It’s just not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about “growing up”. I’m talking about realizing the illusionary nature of everything, including oneself, and the process of doing something about it. It’s becoming aware of being a character in a soap opera and taking action to get out of it. This is where I’m at. I’m playing a character but I don’t believe it myself anymore. I don’t actually need to get out of the soap opera. I don’t need to wake up from the dream, just to wake up within the dream. To become a “lucid dreamer”. Not because I want to, but because I have to. This is what many spiritual aspirants have not realized. The process of growing up happens because it has to happen, not because you want it to happen. I have tried to avoid the process but it keeps coming back to surface. “Grow up, kill the past, surrender yourself, lose control!”. Children play games of being adults but it doesn’t make them that. At the same time, adults think they are grown up when they are actually still children. When I started my article two years ago with the words of being a 10-year-old boy with a 28-year experience, I was talking about this exact thing. I was still a child like I am today. The only difference is that now I truly realize what it means and I’m not able to fool myself anymore. I can’t play in the sandbox with other children and pretend that it’s ok.
It’s time to grow up and kill the past. The past is actually already dead so more correct would be to say that it’s time to let it dissolve. It’s the ultimate act of letting go. I was given the idea of “letting go” at the end of 2011. I’m writing this in the summer of 2015 and it’s still the most relevant theme in my life. I’m starting realize the magnitude of this insight I had almost four years ago. “Let go”. Let go of what? Now I know.
As I’m ripping off parts of myself, many things have to go. Even many “good” things. Like I said, this column is one of them. It was fun, interesting and a useful process for myself, but in the past couple of months I’ve come to realize that this column is not useful for anyone else. I understand that it’s noise and there is plenty of that already in the world. I’ve talked about yoga, diet, creativity, ego, heart, love, dreaming, and much more. Just words on paper. Some words might have resonated with you but did they really change anything? Probably not. What actually matters is the work that you do with yourself and that has nothing to do with me. It’s all 100% you.
I will continue my work in my yoga school, playing the role of a yoga teacher, because I still feel that it can actually help someone like it has helped me. I see the power in the simplicity of Ashtanga Yoga and that is what keeps me doing it. I will keep simplifying my life in all aspects. I will be less active in social media and more active in real life. I will continue my journey towards minimalism. Not because of the label but because it just makes sense. I will keep eating plants and pet animals, again not because of the vegan label but because I don’t see any other option. Now I’m looking for a good way to end this paragraph but I don’t seem to find anything to say… I guess I’ve said everything I needed to say. Thank you.
Done.
Jocke