THE STRUGGLE WITH SELF

I have come to realise it is a terrible curse to have such insight into the human psyche.

I don't wish to sound pretentious and of course I make no claims to know everything about human nature.

Heaven forbid.

But I think I see a lot more than most.

I've studied people for as long as I can remember without even realising I was doing it

. It just comes naturally to me.

I now see nothing but terribly flawed characters and human frailty, where I desire to see beauty and Perfection.

Until quite recently, there was but a tiny glimmer of hope, but now there is none.

The one who brought this about, blissfully unaware of the place in which I now abide because of that fateful chain of events which ultimately caused me to give up all hope.

And if he knew, would he care?

I think not.

But everything happens for a reason and this was just the last nail in the coffin so to speak.

No one is to blame.

He was just an instrument used to bring it about

If not him, then another, as I now realise, I was ripe for the picking.

I sometimes wish I could just switch it off as easily as one switches off a light and become ignorant of all that is wrong in the world. Ignorance/innocence?

How does one differentiate between the two?

It might not be so bad if I wasn't forced to look into myself and see my own failings.

If I could delude myself as others do

Regret is futile, but I struggle with the things I cannot control.

I despise these flaws in myself and want more than anything to be rid of them.

Like a repentant alcoholic, a wife beater or a junkie, vowing to abstain....until the next time.

I long to turn away from the things which torment me and cause me shame.

It's like there are two vastly different people inside me.

The wise, all knowing parent, and the silly rebellious child.

The wise parent can see all too clearly the grief that will come about because of the child's reckless behaviour, having experience and understanding of these things.

The child, having little experience of the world does not and is eager to experience all for herself, unwilling to listen to the voice of reason.

Indeed wisdom is something which cannot be taught.

As goes the old saying “one can't put an old head on young shoulders.

And so

There is a constant conflict within me

The parent pleading with the child not to be foolish and advising against rash decisions and the folly of not thinking things through. And the child who scoffs at the parent and is certain she knows better and will prove herself superior in knowledge and understanding of the world.

Time and time again the wise parent is proved right and the repentant child regrets her actions, sometimes the lessons being extremely painful.

But still she repeats her mistakes again and again.

Each time believing she is approaching the situation with increased caution, only to look back later and see that it was with the same reckless abandon as always.

Will she ever learn?

I'm afraid it's not possible.

While she remains, there can be no hope.

Only her death can bring about peace.

Only when the wise parent is the only one that remains there shall be no conflict

But how should her death be brought about?

And would the parent lament the death of the child?

As there should be none to advise and correct, as futile as it was

No, I think the parent would celebrate the demise of the child, she would realise it was not a child, but a mischievous imp and be glad to be rid of it.

I'm thankful that at least i can still hear the voice of the wise parent, that I am aware of her presence and that I try to listen to her advice.

Many have locked her away in a dark dungeon and can no longer hear the voice of wisdom, the child now running amok.

Someone reading this might sympathise with me struggling as I do, completely unaware that I am more fortunate than they for having an awareness of it, as these two individuals are present in all of us, to recognise this is when the struggle really begins, until then there is no real conflict.

Only when one recognises this can they begin to devise a plan to rid themselves of the offending creature.

For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow.

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