Growing up as an Atheist in a Christian family
It is not rare to read or hear someone saying that it is necessary to become who you are. Certainly, it is easier said than done.
Many people remind us of this statement, but not everyone knows that the one to first state this was Friedrich Nietzsche in one of his most renowned works, Thus Spoke Zarathustra.
In this post, I would like to elucidate such a statement and explain what it actually means in the light of religious belief.
According to Nietzsche, throughout the centuries the idea of 'becoming oneself' has been eclipsed by the submissive and superstitious influences brought on by religious doctrines. Thus, for many centuries, individuals were sedated by moral beliefs and judgments they did not necessarily resonate with all because of fear.
My intention is not that of claiming that religions are to be seen in a negative light: after all, everyone has the right to choose what to believe in.
Rather, what I condemn are inauthentic belief systems. For instance, I disagree with people that go to church every Sunday, praise the Lord and His preachings, and then go back home and do not integrate the messages of love and peace that they have 'listened' to into their lives. Might as well not follow that religion, right?
I once pointed out this behaviour to my father: he thoroughly believes in the existence of God and of Heaven and Hell after death. He doesn't go to church that often, yet he becomes upset whenever someone questions the existence of God.
Yep, whatever.
I grew up in a family where religion was taken very seriously (my mother never showed any interest in it however): my father would makes us pray twice a day for 10 minutes (once in the morning and once in the evening): it was compulsory.
From his point of view it was necessary to pray God in order to show him acknowledgment of his mighty power and that we completely let ourselves go into his arms. We had to pray in order to receive God's forgiveness (...for what though?), in order to redeem our sins and to be granted a heavenly earthly life and after-life.
I was obliged to pray, and I found it terribly boring.
'You should pray, because it will make you feel better'. So I recited the same words, the same sentences, the same empty meanings for years and years without getting anything out of it.
At the age of twelve I came to the conclusion that praying God did not make me feel better. It only made me feel worse because I knew I didn't have the unconditional faith my father had. I thought I was the wrong 'bad' one and that I should be ashamed of not believing in He who had created me and placed me in the world. It felt like a crime.
So I started being in denial about the whole religious question: I even tried to convince myself that I actually believed in His existence and that He was there to help me.
However, my phase of denial did not last long: I dismissed my religious dilemma (not knowing whether to believe or not) and decided not to address it because of the pressure I was receiving from my family environment. In essence, I didn't have the courage to claim my personal views on the subject and to dispute with my father. No one in my family had ever contradicted him in regards to faith because we feared his reaction.
This went on until I reached high school and started attending a Philosophy course. I was now sixteen and surrounded by trendy and rebellious teenagers that stood up for their identity and didn't give a shit about other people's opinions and beliefs.
It was an eye-opening environment, and for the first time I started thinking that it was ok to have different beliefs and attitudes than your parents.
I admired the spirit of independence that others around me had, and I felt miserable because I felt I could not impose myself, my values and freedom without shocking my family.
I started vehemently disliking the notion of someone 'superior' in charge of my life, on whom depended my salvation.
Therefore, my high-school understanding of Nietzsche had led me to the conclusion that I was an Atheist.
I was only seventeen and I started deeply questioning the values I held. However, I was still a teenager, and like all teenagers I wanted to get my point through.
I started understanding that not only I was 'killing God', I was also metaphorically 'killing' my father and the Catholic moralistic, judgmental belief system he had transferred to me.
I was no longer afraid of doing things that God would disapprove of, and I liberated myself from heavy moral chains.
I had the freedom to recreate myself from nothing without the burden of oppression.
I slowly started opening up to my father around the dinner table, and with the excuse of 'philosophising', I started asking him questions that would (hopefully) make him doubt the existence of God and put an end to those tedious prayers I had to do.
My father grew more and more concerned about the direction my religious views were taking (he once asked me if I was becoming a satanist), and after several major disputes, insults and arguments, we agreed not to discuss our views on God anymore.
My father is still a great believer, I never succeeded in changing his mind, and quite frankly, I hope not to succeed in this.
I eventually came to the conclusion that I had no right to destroy his beliefs: for many years he had tried to force me into believing something I did not resonate with.
Forcing someone to believe in something is exactly what a dictator would do. Therefore, why should I have behaved in his same manner by attempting to force my atheism on him?
What I later understood in life is that we all must be entitled to our own opinions. We must be tolerant of other people's beliefs if we expect the same in return. What helps you feel alive, does not necessarily make me feel alive, and vice versa.
It is all a question of perspectives and understanding that there is not one single way of going about life.