Good, but I think that You should rework formatting.
Paragraphs are needed. More line breaks too. Illustrate with pics (max 2 or 3).
The story is cool but difficult to read.
I see you posted it 4 times without a lot of success.
Read on google how to write using MARKUP if you don't like the editor.
Just a piece of advice...
Cheers
Hey thank you. I actually have a an edited version and that is the only one that should be up! Some weird glitch + my mistake = how do I delete the others?
And I tried to do the proper formatting and it was good on the sites file, then when I posted, it reset it to its own deal...