[Steem Diary] Written and Musical Entry no. 1 "Constraint"

Hello everyone! In accordance with the most recent challenge, I am going to be keeping a diary this week. I am also going to try to write out a phrase of music for each entry trying to demonstrate a concept that I am feeling. I will post what I have in each entry (no matter how it comes out) (either played by computer or me depending on how much time I have). I will now discuss my day and thoughts in the form of this diary:

Entry 1

My Day

Today was a little bit unique in that I actually had the luxury of going out, though I did wear a mask. I still maintain my job as a church pianist, and therefore still have to prepare hymns. I was going to learn the hymns last night, but then my friends wanted to do a call (for the first time in weeks), so I decided to free up time that night and to wake up earlier today in order to learn the hymns. Despite leaving the call at 11:30pm, sleep eluded me until 1:30am.

I woke up at 6am today to learn the hymns. I practiced for an hour, then went to the store on my way to the church (at 7am). My goal was to quickly deposit a check. Throughout the whole day, I wore a mask and avoided people both at the grocery store, and the church. This was my first time being inside of a grocery store. A lot was different! All of the entrances were not open except one, so I had to walk around to find it. When I got into the store, there was a huge wall of deliberately placed products to block the path to the check out area where the ATM is. I had to walk around the store to get to the ATM, only to learn that it was not operating. I was moderately angry.

My BEAUTIFUL girlfriend and I back in early March in our Seussical the musical shirts.(FYI: This was before the world went bonkers)

After that five minute pit stop, I continued to the church. I was sad to realize that the church was locked when I got there because I had hoped to practice as much as possible before the 10am livestream. I waited in my car, and read Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. My girlfriend is a huge Harry Potter fan, and I have been reading the books to try to develop something else which we both can enjoy and discuss. I have also exposed her to the world of Game of Thrones (A Song of Ice and Fire) as well as some other movies I find enjoyable. She also signed up for a Steem account a week and a half ago and still hasn't gotten an email about continuing the process. . . I will admit that I like POA a lot more than the two previous books. For once, the climax seems a bit more justified, and it doesn't feel like Harry Potter is being helped by the divine power of the author. It feels a lot more natural. I am getting towards the end. I read over 100 pages today.

Around 7:45am, the pastor came and unlocked the church. I immediately went in and began practicing. I knew the final hymn pretty well (because it is pretty easy), but I was struggling with the first hymn. I spent an hour and a half polishing it (I employed a strategy of playing the hymn then playing other repertoire to eliminate the possibility of it only being solid in the short term). After I was satisfied with the hymn, I sat down and read Harry Potter some more. About five minutes before we were starting the live stream, the pastor informed me that we did not have the rights to play the first hymn, and that I would have to pick a different hymn. I decided on "How Great Thou Art". I thought I had played it before, but I realized upon reading it that I hadn't played it. I really quickly tried to polish it, and had it in pretty good shape for the service. It is always fun to have a moment like that to see how well I can work on my toes as a musician. I enjoyed it thoroughly.

After the service, I went home, and my father and I watched the Phantom of the Opera live performance that was recently broadcast, and we both enjoyed it a lot. Especially the encore.

After watching Phantom, I went upstairs and read for about 30 minutes before calling my girlfriend to talk. Sadly, today was one of the more somber days where we were both a little sad about the current situation, but it was definitely the highlight of my day. It is great to have someone to talk to who is in the same boat.

Around 5pm, my grandparents stopped by, and we talked to them (masked and 6 feet away from their car). They needed supplies which we have, and we caught up on how they are doing. That was fun too!

After that, I began to become more and more depressed about the current situation, and decided to take a shower. I listened to music while in the shower, and enjoyed when Handel's "But Who May Abide?" came on. After the shower, I was still upset, but Handel had helped me to calm down a little.

Now, it is 6:41pm, and I still have to try to write some music for this article. I will include that in the section where I lay out my thoughts:

My Thoughts

Some of the thoughts which have so often plagued me have returned. It is frustrating for so much to fail so near to one another.

The corona virus has completely shut down the world as I knew it. I am now finding myself unable to socialize, something which I had wished for so often when society cut into my time to do the things that I wanted to do. Now the cliche "Be careful what you wish for" rings louder and louder with each passing hour. What I would give to be at peace.

I also feel betrayed and depressed by the whole Hive situation. Being stuck at home all of the time leaves me with very little to distract myself from what happened. Those who I had trusted most abandoned me because of a vote. Men who I had aspired to, who I had viewed as the most intelligent in the world, only proved to me that my respect was ill-founded. I can't help but feel slighted, and I can't help but feel depressed by the whole situation.

I think what most upsets me about both of these events is that there seems to be no freedom in either. The world has come to the point that we are no longer free to leave our house without dirty looks from our neighbors, and worse from our government. At the same time, it seems that here in this system, I am no longer free to vote the way I feel is right without fear of being disowned for voting the wrong way.

Lastly, and most importantly, despite all this free time, I find everything that I write stale and unoriginal. Weeks ago, I was swimming in stress trying to keep up with it all. Going through the school musical every day, and not getting home until 9pm or later so many nights. Yet, with all of that going on, I was still composing a new piece of music each week. Now, all I have is time, and I find myself troubled writing even a measure of music. I am fairly sure it is a lack of confidence.

I look at all of the opportunities that these situations have ruined for me; the opportunities that I have ruined for myself, and I can't help but feel upset, and I can't help but yearn for what could have been. I truly hope that in the end I am able to rise from the ashes, and overcome this all. I hope that I can prove - through Steem and through music - that I am still capable. That I am still worthy. Here is my attempt at composing a phrase about constraint today:

I am honestly not too pleased with this, but it seems that this whole period has pulled me away from being able to write freely. Everything I write feels constrained, as this passage sort of demonstrates. I wrote it in the style of Bela Bartok. Even the last offertory I wrote was venturing closer to the modern style camp rather than my usual older sounding style. I have been trying to push myself into a style like that because I am most frequently criticized by the knowledgable for having an "old sounding style". For the most part, music like this doesn't really fully satisfy me. Though some people enjoy it, I enjoy the older sounding stuff much more.

Something I love

Thanks for reading this! I have talked about a lot of heavy stuff today, and I just want to finish with something I love. That being the second movement of Beethoven's 7th symphony! If you want to talk about constraint, there it is folks. He builds something from nothing. This movement has come to represent this whole period for me. In it, I hear my pain; I hear my disappointment. In it, I find peace.

(Note) In order to encourage meaningful feedback on the platform, I will check comment trails of users who leave superficial comments (ie "Awesome post," or "Upvoted.") and will mute any users who exhibit a pattern of leaving "spammy" comments."