The Darth Menace - Super late for it. Also Comedy open mic #23

Orchestra sounds. You know the ones.

Tilted text, coz duh.

The galaxy was in Turmoil (Not something to lose sleep or whatever small existence you call life. Galaxies are usually in turmoil as the in-house physicist @lemouth can confirm. Stars dying, planets banging, comets banging and people banging. When you stop banging, oh that’s when its a scary time.). An invisible time lord in a phone booth calling the shots whilst stroking the rims of his chair in utter loneliness and despair as one would be, it’s 2018 and if you use a phone booth you are destined to be alone. A flying wardrobe, because we all know that wardrobes fly at unimaginable speeds and are the key to understanding light speed. If only the weird haired scientist (which might sum up all of them) would have known. This weird crew does things which one can only describe as masterfully smart to the morbidly lame. While in some corner of the galaxy the master of nerds spilt milk (@carn). No we mean that quite literally.

The Darth’s are returning triumphant from the poo planet with a very very beautiful queen (Not many or if any would expect her to be that beautiful, but this one time the book is a lot better than its cover) as their hostage to the meth star. Darth Speed wishes to make his master proud and gain points with the emperor. The other sociopaths, ahem I mean the other warriors are here to help the empire unfurl its flag across the galaxy.

Their ship comes under fire from mysterious beings and fighting ensues.

Tilted text over.

Story starts.

“Remind me my master, why are we doing this?”

“You are young, Darth Speed. This is how we test your team.”

My master’s voice was not as heavy as mine. It’s not just an electronic box which gave me an edge. Heavy smoking and drinking is needed for a heavy voice like mine.

My team sat on chairs precisely like the ones dentists make their poor victims lay upon before terrifying them with instruments a doctor or even a dominatrix has no business holding.

Mental note, Fire the contractor who got us these chairs.

Their limbs strapped in with restraints made from the steel of the Darth’s. The hardest and the finest steel in the galaxy. And the only one available. We shut the rest down. Now that’s how the MNC’s oops I mean the Darths dominate the galaxy and will always.

Their minds were played with by the emperor, my master and me. Tricked into fighting beings as fake as a pornstars rack. I mean, come on. Pussy cats holding dildo shaped sabers, salt scooters and queen dilldah. I really thought if I made it so outrageous they would wake up screaming faaaaaake. But there they lay imagining they were fighting a war for their lives.

We had to cover and in the case of some warm poopers burn our eyes after what Tauss enacted his toilet rituals before the fight with the pussy cats. Not a hint of humility as he slay the creatures after his deeds and then proceeded to shoot the queen without hesitation. The emperor, who was aghast at the first sight and I had to beg him to not sever the poor ones heads was now proud at the monstrous one.

Yella was very worried about her coffee and gained all the resemblance of a soulless monster who would hunt you down to ends of the galaxy and make you pay in ways the world would never imagine or in the case of those who believe in him, Satan as well. The Emperor was happy and whispered to the guards, get the best coffee we have and keep it stocked.

Noont Ewan lost his entire music collection as one does in such dangerous fights and got a good hit not onto the monsters but himself. In the end made it through and also fought well for someone still wearing headphone’s while there played the same amount of music as in a funeral. The Emperor and my master exchanged stares and looked over at me. I shook my tongue under my mask. Have a little fun every now and then.

Ani-won Kirsten and Jayna the Hutt remain to be tested. Although I am sure they do not need to.

Near the end Chaotic memories were planted in their minds to obscure all that was enacted by the weird grown up men shaking their hands at them and calling it the steem.

I smiled as they left. Instructed my guards to carry my crew to the craft and place them in the chairs. Then made my way to the helm of the meth star. The sheets of glass and the men working round the clock manning this magnificent station, which was soon to be mine.

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I nominate @carn and @lemouth .

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