Modern war-fare and using words to kill!

When I was 15 years of age, I thought that I was pregnant.

I had a serious boyfriend who was four years older than me, and in many ways he had changed my life already.

I didn't want to have a baby at that age, but I loved him and I would have kept it.

The doctor had known me and my family for a long time. I think he felt sorry for my mother and rightly so because I was a little shit back then. 

In my last term at school, which was only three months, I had wagged for a total of 27 days. There it was, right on my school report and I didn't give a toss about it.

I was in love with someone who worshipped the ground that I walked on, and didn't care about anything else.

But I was a very foolish girl and had my whole life ahead of me and I had taken a terrible risk - but it paid off for me.

My doctor told me that the test was negative, and tried to warn me about it. 'If you continue on the way you are now, you will get pregnant' he said and gestured to the skimpy dress that I was wearing. He put me on the pill after that.

I looked at that man with the same look of defiance that I always have - I ignored his advice and I didn't get pregnant.

Four months later I moved out of home and into my boyfriend's house. It was the day after my sixteenth birthday. 

I had left school the day before. My guidance counsellor said to me in my exit interview 'You will never make anything of yourself if you drop out of school now'.

Again I stared at him and went on to travel the world and had an amazing career. I got out of that one-horse crappy town but he is still there.

I lost count of the number of times, that people have tried to control me, push me around and pull me down.

And yet I keep on going, I give them that same look every time that tells them that I am not to be messed with, and they back away from me.

I am not a violent person and can not remember the last time I hit anybody! But I know the capacity for violence is there and it really scares me.

I know that this is my instinct for survival that keeps me going, but sometimes I get complacent and let people get too close to me, or take the piss for too long and then I burn them with it. 

Most of the time I am friendly and appear laid-back but am always on standby for the monster to come out. 'I am always angry' and ready to change at a moment's notice to defend myself from the haters in life when it is needed.

At the moment I have set up a very public venture and there are 'haters' watching me, trying to goad me into losing my temper on line. They are not trolls per se but have similar tendencies. They have a name and have a profile, but I do not understand their motives for having a go at me - perhaps I never will.

This time I can't give them the evil glare, because they are not in front of me. They don't know that I am not a woman to be messed with, and I am not going to tell them about the 'monster' inside of me,  so how do I compose myself in front of everybody who is watching this?

There are some people that still keep coming at you regardless - because they want to start a fight in public. Words these days are the modern-day weapons and they can kill believe me. It doesn't take much for an argument to flair up into an all-out war, but it stays on record forever-more and it is out there in black and white until deleted. People start coming out in their masses to watch the action, and there is nothing that grabs more attention more these days than two people fighting with each other in a very public arena - and everyone appears to get off on it.

Sometimes it is just a way of big-noting themselves and trying to make themselves look good in front of all of their friends. 

Sometimes it is just a gimmick - that is used for drawing attention to a brand or product. 

So how do you want to be remembered if someone tries to bait you. Do you want to be the winner or the loser! 

I stand up to them as I always do, and cut them out of my life when I can, but not everyone can be deleted.

I could use the power of the people who follow me to cause a riot and side with me, but it is not my style either!

At the beginning of the week, I received some fantastic advice - just wait two days and respond to them and it was from a guy that I had never met before. And you know what, it was literally the best advice that I have ever had from anyone, and for once in my life I am going to listen to them.

You see that's what happens with age which is a blessing, because thirty years later I have learned not to be so defensive about everything - I assess things from a different point of view.  At my age we have developed regrets in life, and have the maturity to realise that not everybody is out to fight with you, and sometimes they are just trying to help. The advice that both the doctor and the school counsellor tried to give to me all those years ago, was actually well-meaning and intended to help me, but I was too young and too defensive or too stupid to listen to them.

So that is the difference between determining what is right and wrong in the age of 'trolling'and from now on?

First of all I am going to go away and wait two days, give myself the chance to calm down and take the passion out of it - and then ask myself truthfully - is this person trying to help me or not? 

And I will have my answer, and be able to treat them accordingly in a manner that befits my new status.

Doing things this way may not save my life, but it will help me save my business :) 

Thank you very much to Stephen.