To the one who doesn’t know,
“You are like that song I loved when I was a kid but forgot about till I heard it again”
I didn't realize that it was love. What I felt. And when I did it broke me.
I just knew I wanted you to stay. Forever. But when you were gone I was at my best, which makes me wonder if love can do more damage than good sometimes. My self-esteem came second to you. And you’re not the person for which I can do that anymore. I know you didn’t mean to, but you’ve hurt me. A lot. And so I write this letter. Knowing a few lines can never do justice to everything I feel about you. It’s just not possible.
Every memory of mine, all those years are blurred. Except for the ones with you in it. I have no regrets. I have no complaints except one. Did you Have to do it? Was that the only way? I held my own leash. Never expressed my feelings. Wasn’t even aware of them as I said. Never expected anything out of you. I tried to be what I’m not and I failed. Miserably, each time. The heart wants what it wants. Come to think of it I have had so many memorable experiences of my life with you. Or were they memorable because you were in them, I don’t know. But they are enough for me. I cannot be spending any more drunken nights with you, because I am not sorry for my feelings anymore and so I fear I won’t be able to hide them for long.
I wonder if anybody would be able to love you like this. I hope for the same. While I feel like I’m stuck in my thoughts, my own world when I’m with other people, every second of the time I spend with you, I feel mesmerized. Alive, more importantly. These months have been pretty rough and I won’t make the mistake of thinking tomorrow is going to be any easier. I feel you are too naive to understand how much I love you. And that’s one of the many things why I do. I know you fear relationships that don’t last because you might have given too much of yourself to some. But I want you to not give up on friendship because it's the best of things in life. I secretly wish you’ll come here tomorrow morning and you’ll say It’s alright and It’s okay and that we can still be friends. Everyday. But you won’t. And that’s okay.
Is it possible? To love someone like this? So selflessly? Even without knowing that it’s love at first. This can go two ways from here and I choose my life over you. Love limits you in a way, in the pursuit of ‘the one’. Sometimes It becomes enough even to see that ‘one’ breathe. Just Live. But in that process, I cannot stop breathing myself. Now it's time for me to see beyond you.
Memories with you will keep me alive but right now I need to go far away to find myself because I’ve lost myself in you. Before I realized what I feel for you everything felt fine, but It wasn’t. You have changed me. For good too. After all these years, I wish you could understand. I’d say the words but It’s no use because you won’t know how I mean them. Having loved you before you loved anyone else, you won’t be able to know how much. And I fear and wish at the same time that when you do, It’ll change you.