It often seems like we are hitting hard, but doing so will in deed damage your body on the ling run. Hitting properly will still be heard loudly and clearly though it will seem from the person looking that you are hitting it hard. The trick is in the "whip". Just like when you play badminton, it is the whipping of the wrist that allows for the birdy to be smashed with swiftness, the the hard and strenuous attempt at moving the arm forcefully. Constantly moving in terms of circles helps a great deal in not having to move against your original impulse and thus a flow builds with which the drummer can dance along its breathing and dance.

Namaste :)