Ambivalence by Ben Greenman

When a woman is skinny, and calls you late at night, and also you glance at
the calendar, and it is 4 days earlier than you're scheduled to get mar-
ried, and the lady you might be marrying shouldn't be the skinny woman but a different
woman, a girl who has already departed for the town the place your wedding
is to be held, it's your job, most traditionally, to hang up the telephone.
When you don't cling up the mobile, you have not achieved your job.
When you invite that skinny lady to your condo, and then you definately
leap into the shower so that you are going to be easy, taking specified problem
to clean the elements that matter, and then you definitely mess up your hair so that
you're going to appear as if you haven ‘t gone to any unique main issue, then
you're doing another job utterly.
She was a painter. Panos met her by means of a mutual buddy. She
had a boyfriend, who was twenty-two years older than she, and when
Panos first spoke to her, he said that he notion that the age fluctuate-
ence was once an atrocity. Like bombing Cambodia, he stated, satisfied
that this used to be a comic story that she would no longer fully grasp. She surprised
him with a understanding giggle. They mentioned his impending mar-
riage, and in regards to the week of freedom he had however doubted he’d use.
She took out a Paper-Mate blue pen and used it to write down his telephone
quantity on her hand. She wrote it unusually: no longer with numerals, but
with letters “O” for 1, “T “ for two, “TH
‘ for three, “F, FI, and so forth.
in order that makes your quantity “Efstooth,she said.

good day, Panos stated. That s my avenue: Efstooth Avenue.
For that funny story I award you this pen, she mentioned, handing it over
ceremonially. I’ll get it later.
When she arrived at Panos ‘s apartment, Efstooth was once still inked
on her hand, but that used to be now not the very first thing he seen. The primary
thing he observed was once that she used to be carrying a suitcase. It was small
enough that she held it as an alternative than surroundings it down, however significant adequate
that it seemed to have winded her somewhat on the way up to the 1/3
flooring.
Are you relocating in? he said. I don ‘t know how my spouse will believe
about this. She set the suitcase down on the ground, unzipped it, and
flipped again the top. There have been white programs there, white sheets,
and when she unwrapped them they have been her art work. She spread
them out on the floor of his rental. There have been ten of them, every
one a small panorama with a single chook flying over a marsh and a
single human figure in the foreground. They were relatively one-of-a-kind
colorations, one reddish, one greenish, one dunnish, etc, across a
muted spectrum.
Panos looked at the artwork and requested polite questions on
them that she answered easily. i love to tell men and women that he’s
seeking to seize the fowl, she mentioned. I continually suppose hilarious pronouncing
that. But the bird’s not an unwitting victim. He sees the person. You
may also be sure about that. When he asked in the event that they had been all photos of the
identical scene, she mentioned that she saw how he’d suppose so but that no, three
of them have been painted from precise pictures of her father looking
and the other seven had been created from imagination. My father left
after I used to be just a little lady, she stated. I don't forget that he yelled rather a lot,
and that he was once mean to my mother, and that she was once happier with-
out him. But just lately i have been looking for images of him. I found
three and made up seven extra. No person must have fewer than ten
pictures of her father.
They turned the tv on however grew to become the volume all the way down.
They ordered pizza. She sat in a chair across the room from him, and
introduced that she hadn ‘t showered that morning, due to the fact the water
in her condominium was once too bloodless. Panos advised her she used to be welcome to

take a shower if she wanted. We’ll see, she said, and went across the apartment ticking her finger throughout the spine of books. lots of
historical past books, she stated.
not mine, Panos mentioned.
Oh, she said. Too dangerous. I like history books. She used to be carrying
tight stretch pants and a good white shirt. It was once obvious to Panos
that she was the skinniest girl who had ever been in his condo.
She used to be now not wearing a bra, which put her in the company of at the least
two different women who had been within the apartment, neither of whom used to be
the woman who was, in four days time, going to be his spouse. His wife
continuously wore a bra, and even three years into their relationship, she
gave somewhat involuntary gasp of delight at any time when he unclasped it.
He figured that it was once, at first-rate, a reflex. The history books had been hers.
The skinny lady got here and stood correct next to Panos. She planted
her feet to make it clear that she was competent to address the drawback.
good, Panos stated. here we are.
we're here, she mentioned. indubitably about that.
It ‘s all in the way in which you say it, he stated. here we're is extra
loaded than we're right here.
Is that what we are? Loaded? she mentioned. Speak me of which, I’ll
have extra wine. She shook her glass and sloshed out just a few drops
onto her shirt. Shit, she mentioned.
i've further T-shirts, Panos stated.
I’ll just take this off, she said, and did.
Come right here, Panos mentioned.
She sat on the sofa and pushed up alongside him. They watched
the television, which was displaying a strongman competition. A fats Swede
used to be walking down a short track, the chassis of a car held on his shoul-
ders. I relatively stink, she stated. Panos closed his eyes for research. She
was correct, in a technique: it was the scent of younger sweat, of a black flower
blooming. She unbuttoned his shirt and laid her head on his chest.
Now you ve got me serious about my father, she stated.
I do? Panos mentioned. How?
It ‘s no longer that tough to do.
I don t feel i admire your tone, he mentioned.
I ‘m sure you don’t, she mentioned. no one ever does. She squeezed
his arm. you understand what my father did? Instead of depart, I imply.

And hunt.
And hunt. No, I mean what he did for work. He was trained as a
attorney however a couple of year before I used to be born he stop to work on a biogra-
phy of his high-quality-grandfather, who used to be a British intelligence agent who
specialized in code breaking. Have you learnt about the Zimmermann
Telegram? Panos shook his head. She didn’t continue proper away.
He put his hand on her belly, and then slipped just a few fingers just
throughout the elastic band of her pants.
inform me, Panos mentioned.
What? she mentioned after a even as.
tell me about the telegram.
Oh, she said. Why? Are you particularly ? Panos nodded
and let one finger drift somewhat minimize. Of course you are, she said.
relatively, Panos stated. maintain telling me about it.
quality, she stated. This telegram was once despatched from the German overseas
secretary to the German ambassador in Mexico, and it introduced
that the Germans were going to aid a Mexican assault on the
southwestern usa. The British, together with my quality-fine-
grandfather, cracked the code. When the telegram was tested,
Wilson armed ships to preserve against Germany, and a few days after
that, we had been at struggle. World battle One.
you recognize, despite the fact that the history books aren’t mine, I managed
to figure that out.
The code used to be a cryptogram. We cracked it partly on the grounds that considered one of
the top German spies, Wilhelm Wassmuss, had misplaced his codebook in

I ran the 12 months earlier than. We picked that up and it helped with the Zim-
mermann Telegram.
We?
Now she didn’t like his tone. We the British. We my excellent-pleasant-
grandfather. The strongman competitors had ended, and now the
tv was displaying dust bike racing. She bought up to go to the toilet,
and when she got here back she began to % her artwork back into
the suitcase. What color would you say this is? she stated, keeping
up a canvas.
Blue.
And what about this one?
additionally blue.
right. But isn’t that ridiculous? Two colours which are so exceptional,
but they’re regarded the identical. It ‘s nearly purpose adequate to end up
a painter, just to check out to realize that. Colors are like a code, too.
Oh, yeah, Panos stated. finish the code story.
It used to be finished, she mentioned. finished ample. I used to be out of that and
on to colour. Blame your lavatory. It ‘s blue.
I didn ‘t pick that colour.
It doesn’t look like your thing, she stated. When are you getting
married?
Sunday, Panos stated. It‘s unusual. It seems like 1,000,000 years
away, and also like it s going to happen the primary time I let myself
breathe.
You ‘re not respiratory?
now not normally well.
Is it when you consider that I stink?
It ‘s considering the fact that I ‘m now not certain what message ll be sending if I do.
Probably my actual feelings will come by way of.
What are these genuine emotions? I expect they have got anything to
do with the rationale i‘m right here. She had her chin tilted up now, and her
words were falling into the distance between them.

That’s now not a feeling. It’s the presence of two feelings without delay.
What are the 2?
pleasure and worry? Happiness and hatred? Rightness and wrongness?
Wrongness?
the most apparent form of wrongness. Like might be this isn’t the
correct alternative. Like there are a million men and women to love, and how am i able to
decide on one and be definite that I m not a fool? I've met others. I
would meet others. What about Eskimos?
The Eskimos, she stated. Of course.
Or the Finns or the Malays or all the other people I don’t even
learn about. Maybe I might be with one of them without ambiva-
lence. Don’t you could have these questions about your boyfriend?
He ‘s a rapid story. He’s older, is gigantic like you, has a beard, helps
pay the employ on my portray studio, treats me with what we’ll say is style contempt. That most of the time does the trick for me, because it turns out. She
slipped a hand inside his shirt and hooked her leg over his. Will you
kiss me? definite, Panos said. however I’m not sure about more. I need to, however
you know.
Now that’s ambivalence, she said. After they kissed, she pulled
her pants down a long way adequate to show him that she wasn t sporting any
underwear. Put your hands on my ass.
in the event you insist, Panos stated. but i need you to understand that I think like
I could stop any time.
I’m flattered, she mentioned, her eyes narrowing.
What I was going to claim, Panos mentioned, is that it’s like when a
under the influence of alcohol driver thinks that he’s in manage of his vehicle.
Oh, she said. might be i'm flattered. Good, do what you need,
or don’t. Your hours are numbered anyway. I have informed you so many
state secrets and techniques that I’m going to ought to kill you. Anyway, it’s now not too
lengthy except morning. I’ll be long past soon. They leaned into each other
and he or she pretended to pay attention to the dust bikes on tv.
The sky outside used to be already starting to vary colour, from black
to a weaker shade of black. There wasn’t any blue in it but. There’s
a fowl available in the market, Panos said. I hardly ever simply see them at night time.
the person sees the chicken, she stated. that you can be certain about that.
She made birds with her palms and flew them up excessive in order that her

palms were stretching as far as they'd go. She was so skinny that
there was once whatever painfully devout about that pose. It used to be a
pose of enchantment to some thing a long way beyond him. Put your head again
down on me, she mentioned, and he did. She stroked his neck, unbuttoned
his pants, made circles along with her fingers on his stomach, exhibited
restraint. Taking off her garments would had been as handy as asking.
How regularly are matters as handy as asking?
At seven, it was time for her to head. Panos observed her shirt and but-
toned up his own. ok, he said. What ‘s the way to try this? He
hadn ‘t expected the need for any secrecy. He had deliberate to sneak
her out at three within the morning or so. But now his neighbors have been
up, and many of them knew his spouse, and he wasn’t sure what they
would make of a strange skinny lady leaving his rental early in
the morning.

I’ll go down and throw out the trash, he said. If I buzz on the
buzzer, that implies the coast is obvious, so come downstairs speedy. The
door will lock behind you. she said “ are you able to elevate my suitcase along with a trash
bag? That means i will be able to get there rapid. I received it ought to bump round on
the steps.
Its like being a spy, Panos said.
Its nothing like that, she said. I would let you know experiences.
Did Panos take her to breakfast? Not to take her would have been
rude. However he didn't pay. That may have been too conspiratorial,
and too excessive-surpassed, both without delay. Besides, he was once not hungry, just
intensely thirsty, adequate so that he purchased a 1/2-gallon of orange
juice from the corner retailer and drank it straight from the carton
even as he stood out on the sidewalk. She stopped in a espresso keep and
ordered a toasted bagel; a bit of of melted butter ran down her chin
when she ate it. Her chin used to be slick with the butter. The sky was a
top notch coloration of blue. At that second, simply at that distinctive second,
he wanted to ask her again as much as his rental and make all the
errors he had evaded making. As an alternative he converted the subject, for
the last time. You forgot to get your pen again, he stated.
that you could maintain it, she stated. take into account me via it. Thats variety of
first-rate, proper, to bear in mind anybody by way of some thing totally nameless?
Whilst you write with it, it’ll be like theres an invisible ink message
just under the true message.
What does it say?
You wouldnt realise, she mentioned. Its in Inuktitut.
what is that?
appear it up, she said. you have got books. Ive seen them. Ok:
Im leaving.
See you, Panos stated.
Or not, she stated. customarily now not.
good, he mentioned, i hope you enjoyed your time on Efstooth
Avenue. You're a fool, she stated. When she leaned in to kiss him excellent-
bye he smelled it once more, the black flower blooming beneath her arm.
He went back to his condo and pulled out historical past books unless
he discovered a listing within the index for the Zimmermann Telegram. He read a couple of paragraphs that he didnt realise. They might as good
have been in Inuktitut. In the entrance of the booklet, on a flyleaf, his
spouse had signed her name. His wife, practically. He shut the publication hard,
like a trap. He was once seeking to seize his ambivalence or kill it. Three
days later, he watched his wife signal her identify again, on a wedding
certificates, beneath a paragraph he understood absolutely. The ink
and sky were blue.