The Downward Spiral Pt. 1

I like to eat turtles because they are chewy and taste like raw cow meat, but the pigs here taste of literal dog fur and i refuse to touch their oily flesh. As I look upon the water I think of these meats as one and I begin to ponder reality and the way that meat affects us as a whole. Are we really one community or is it the meat we eat what truly binds us together. If you think of this for too long you feel estranged from your fellow vegans, but they too are a part of us because they, much like the animals we eat, graze upon strictly vegetation. As the water shows my hideous reflection i am forced to face the fact that i am nothing but a monster. Sometimes i struggle with the notion that i am what i eat. Do i eat monsters? Or do my fucked up insides twist the meats true makeup before my body absorbs it to craft who I am. I may never know for my writing shall be never seen nor shall it be touched by those who would critique it in a way that they can understand. People always feel a need to explain the unknown, why don’t they just leave the unknown alone. I guess i always found it simple because i myself am unknown to myself, and i’d like to keep it that way. As i envelop myself in the alcohol i call water my skin begins to turn dry. Why have i become like this. I begin to lose track of what i am doing and i slip. My thoughts scattered, i grasp for a constant but there's nothing. I have lost myself.
At the bottom of a glass bottle I lie, far from civilization, in the middle of the ocean. It’s cold. A fish taps at the glass of my enclosure, it comforts me. With the water i could look away from my reflection with a simple twist of the neck, but now the bottle that surrounds me works as a unescapable mirror that cannot be avoided. I feel helpless. I continue to lie down thus making my reflection as distant as possible. How ugly am I? I always wondered how people defined beauty, such a vague term, although i knew i wasn’t beautiful, something inside me told me so i swear. The fish began to swim circles around my bottle, such a peculiar creature. I admired its ignorance. How delightful it would be to feast on this fish with a scrumptious glass of dry red wine. To bad my bottle is empty. I think of filling my glass with something red but not wine, it’s an impossible dream. I tell myself that nothing is impossible, something we were all told at once, but people lie, its what they do. I’ve never felt so lonesome, it is now my new constant. The worst one I’ve had so far, keeps reminding me of all the fucked up shit I’ve done. Although that's not saying much all my constants have been pretty shitty. The first one i had i have to say molded me the most, made me what i am today, but they’re not all to blame now are they. I stand up. The fish scurries off, maybe he sees me for who i am, no one does until it's too late. I fall downward at the sight of myself and begin to cry. Self pity is all it is, don't feel bad for me. Warmth fills the bottle, although i cannot feel it. My tears evaporate on the floor and the bottle turns a bright red. I lie on my back and close my eyes unamused by my surroundings. I fall asleep. Dreaming about what i could’ve said; done differently, i always do. I awake to the feeling of cold water, i love the feeling so much i purposely drown in it. The glass bottle returns to the ocean floor to become what it once was.
I wash up on the shoreline of an island, properly isolated from humanity. The sand below me supports my body, while the water slowly strips it away. I stand. My existence faded. I walk towards the center of the beach to find words, probably lies, but i can’t comprehend their meaning, like a retard wrote them. I can no longer see my reflection anywhere, i love it. I like the sand a lot more than the water that keeps stripping it away. The sand here gives me a rush of self confidence , while the palm trees cool me down. The sand is hot. Here I enjoy the isolation, it reminds me of all the goddamn annoyance i have avoided by being here. Back where i came from there where a lot of ignorant people who thought their ignorant opinion mattered, it doesn’t! I always thought that if there was a god he must have really liked ugly people because he sure did make a lot of them, I mean fuck, there are some ugly ass people out there and i wish they would just stop gaining people's pity. The shoreline advances slowly upon the sand, this worries me. A dog approaches me wagging its tail and all, I kill it. Its fur reminded me of the nasty pigs from back then, i had to bury it. The sand concealed the dog very well, it is now a distant memory. I lie down on the sand and look up at the day stars, how beautiful. I fall asleep on the sand, it wasn’t that hard to do. Cold water tickles my toes and jolts me awake. The shore begins to disappear and i retreat inland. I stop at a jungle entrance and turn around to see the dog i tried so hard to bury released from the sand by the water. Its half decomposed corpse comes alive. It rises from the sand and water, shaking of the debris. It runs to me, wagging its tail and all. It sits at my feet and stairs, whining. “What an ugly bitch you are!” i exclaim, kicking it as hard as i possibly can, it's exposed rib cage shatters but it still stands strong. I turn around and begin to walk into the jungle, the damn dog follows. The jungle is silent and i hear the distant waves of water beating away at my precious sand. There’s nothing i can do about it. I drop to the ground and cry myself to sleep.

I smell something rotten. Velvet licks awaken me through cool saliva, it reminds me of the water. It’s the dog. I shove the mutt off of me, he whimpers. I sit up and digest my environment. The jungle floor is cool, it is where i intend to stay. The air is hot and humid. I look on the ground to find a puddle of water embedded in the dirt, the sun peeking through the canopy reflects my god forsaken appearance. I had forgotten who i was. I look away, violently pounding my fist into the puddle of water. Self-hate now continues to control my savaged mind. As much as it does pain me i find my self-hate as a gift that i am ever so grateful for. It allows me to be humble. People are so judgemental, it’s dumb. Their so quick to judge others that they forget to judge themselves. I promised myself that i would never do that and with the help of self-hate i have yet to break that promise. I watch the dog gnaw on a stick it found on the ground. Something inside me insists that i explore the land, some people call that something curiosity, but i prefer to leave it unnamed, it’s better that way. I stand, obeying it. I begin my walk through the jungle; it is thick. Dew formed on the leafs of the low hanging trees create a reflective surface, i am tempted to take a peek, but i don’t. I think that maybe if i look i’ll discover fully who i am therefore accepting myself, but honestly, i am scared of what i’ll find. It makes sense most people do fear the unknown. Does my fear make me like most people? No, most people can’t possibly be this wretched. The dog still follows me, his ignorance angers me. Unlike everything else that has been so cursed to bestow upon my existence the dog doesn’t fear me. Day turns to night as i wander aimlessly. Nature is truly cathartic, so much more pure than i. I do not deserve this. The sand is slowly disappearing from my recollection, my mind beginning to behave like the water did. I lie on the now warm ground of the jungle to sleep.
I awake but continue to lie. Hunger no longer seems to haunt me, thirst always will, but it hasn’t always. Silence rings in my ear, why is it so quiet? I glare at the clear blue sky, so much is there, but nothing i can see. The dog is gone, not that i care. I rub my hands against themselves to feel sand, “the last sand i'll ever feel” i tell myself. I stand, i don’t know why i just do. There are two pathways i can take, one overgrown, the other clear and has a wonderful view of the ocean, so much water and sand. I see that the sand has returned and a couple of grains still in my head draw me to it like a magnet, but i ignore this sensation and turn towards the overgrown path. I convince myself that that path is my future. It would be so easy to go back to the sand, it calls me, but i mustn't. As i begin to walk toward this overgrown path the remaining grains in my skull turn into surgical knives slicing away at my brain like a doctor giving me a well deserved lobotomy. I begin to wince, my jaw locks down in immense pain. I continue towards the path. I make it to the entrance and the pain worsens. I move away the brush so that i can scrape by, my head throbs terribly. As i make it down the pathway the pain begins to decrease in volume until it feels like a blunt knife pressing hard up against the back of my skull. I unlatch my teeth from their own grip. I find the dog along the path and i don’t mind his company. I now realize that loneliness is no longer my constant, pain is. I embrace the pain because i truly deserve it, though a part of me knows that if i return to the sand my pain will be omitted, i contemplate the idea thoroughly. I continue staggering down the path until i come across a well placed campfire. The warmth makes it ever so welcoming as the jungle cools into the night. Why must the night be in such a rush, it isn’t going to be late for anything. The warmth allows me to forget about my pain for but small instance. If I inch to close it adds to my pain, I find the perfect in between, sit there and begin to rejuvenate. I rest my eyes, as they weigh heavy upon my face.
I smell smoldering flesh. Smoke clears my sinuses. I open my eyes to find the dog lying on the fire. I quickly rise frantically attempting to move the dog off of the now suffocating flames. The dog snaps his jaw at my prying hands until he seems satisfied and allows me to push him off. It was too late the fire had already been killed. The pain returns at once and i fall to my knees wincing. The dog, somehow unaffected by the fires properties, sits, wagging its tail. I become enraged with proper anger and throw myself at the dog. He rolls out of the way, leaving the ground to punish me with it's ever so solid surface. I face plant into the cocktail of dirt and leaves, i sigh. I raise myself onto my hands and knees and turn my head to look at the dog, a real spawn of satan. He comes over and begins to nudge me upward. I obey, brushing of the remanence of my fit. He begins to guide me through the jungle, leading me to a water fountain, just what i need. I abandon the canine at once throwing myself into the clear beautiful water. Something is different though, the water lacks something common in the ocean. The water isn’t clouded, but clear. So clear it lacks all reflective properties, and once i immerse myself in it i see life. Fish surround me all lacking the ability to judge, they just mind themselves. I too realize that i see myself for the first time in a new light. I only thought that i had rid myself of the unclean essence of anger. The clear water absorbed my filth, allowing for me to see myself as a, the water began to stop flowing. I panicked to the surface to see what was causing it to flow away. The waterfall had stopped, i return to underside of the water to find that the fish had gone , i was alone. I was soon left at the rocky bottom of the pool as all of the water had flowed out. The dog came trotting down into the dried up hole and sat next to me. I grabbed one of the rocks at the bottom and stuffed it in my pocket. I realise that i have a new outlook onto the dog, and a clear one at that. I place my hand on the top of the dogs mained fur and begin to stroke it, it’s decaying flesh reminding me of what i did to it, most of its innards exposed, it emitted a smell so pungent only i could smell it. A true miscreation i must be.
Investigating the once flowing water fountain was the most logical thing for me to do i decided. The dog began to lead me once again. It found a path diagonal to the cliffs 90 degree edge. My companion and i began to climb up the seemingly never ending path. After a while of climbing my eyes wandered to the ever so close jungle floor, although it was no longer a jungle floor. Sand was all that i could see.The pain in my head grew unbearably strong, and i had to make a sudden decision. I threw myself of the path and begin to fall onto the sand below, i instantly regretted my choice. I felt a small pinch tingle my senses at my foot and then a sudden smash to the front of my face. Discombobulated, i searched for a possible reason behind this. I found the dog's jaw clamped onto my foot. Blood dripped into my eyes leaving me a clear view of the jungle floor i swung above. The dog began to vigorously pull me up. I felt him slowly begin to lose grip as the teeth he had sunken into me became dislodged from his mouth into my foot. Regardless he managed to lift me back onto the path. We both lied on the path completely still, silence once again began to burden me with its hiss. I stared once more up at the sky, the sun was setting know. So much there yet nothing i could see.

The dog begins to stir with impatience; distracting me from what is above. My head throbbing, the sand still taunting me. The dog nudged me from the ground and began to cox me back onto the path; far from the edge. I couldn’t help seeing him rot; this i blamed on myself. The moon enlightened as the sun faded. Clouds begin to billow over the sky. We continued to trudge over the rocky terrain. The fine gravel beneath me reminded me of the sand; this made my head tremble. The night passed by fast; my time here seems like an hourglass filled with sand that slips through a hole, oh so fast.
We come to a sort of doorway made of two large pebbles in time. Through the doorway is a field of tall grass; the rising sun tickles the tip of each and every strand of green. Hills roll ahead of me. Why did i climb up here? The smell of morning dew clears my head. The dog wags its tail. The wind clears my ears and allows me to hear. The grass brushes up against its neighbor, creating a shallow white noise. I lie down on a green pasture with the dog. The creature allows me to feel equal to it, a feeling i don’t feel entitled to. The sun warms my body in such a way that chills are sent up my spine. Strong feelings of satisfaction blind out the pain in my head; my sore feet making it ever so pleasant to finally rest. I close my eyes, not wanting this feeling to end i try to elongate my lucidity. I lose cognitive thought and slip into darkness.
Thoughts become reality when you lose control of yourself, everything is lost and all you have is yourself, but you must watch from a distance or you may get hurt. Pain becomes secondary and nothing can help you overcome this, so you think. Ignorance becomes your worst enemy but you're best friend cause once you lose it, that's when shit hits the fan. It gives you the ignorance that you desire, you can’t handle the truth because you don’t believe it. Death is the only release.
Waking up feels like I’ve been asleep for years, a blink in time. My throat throbs, dry, screaming for water but there is none in sight. My lungs collapse, the dogs whimpers and i cry. Possible time wasted is time well spent… To be continued