I hate everyone, but especially you.

Here's a lesson in mindfulness kids, follow me.

People who preach about minimalism and throwing out their keepsakes were given too many participation trophies as kids.

Their parents give them shit for their trophies too.

Who handed out the trophies in the first place?

Remind me.

I call em, "baby boomers who haven't died of heart disease yet".

Want to hear my impression of one?

I walk up to a child and hand it a lollipop.

Then I talk shit loudly to everyone who'll listen, about the dumb child holding its stupid lollipop...

Then I get fat as fuck and suck that child's chances for Medicare down a straw, before I even press the gas pedal to get out of the Dairy Queen drive-thru line!

My kids won't have "pension" in their lexicon and I left out the "ough" in through because all the advertising directed at my generation appeals to the morbidly fucking lazy.

Encourages it, almost.

Climate change is a real problem!

Have you heard?

So I decided to buy a reusable bag to show everyone at the grocery store that I care.

It's stuffed in a cupboard somewhere I think, 131 paper bags in carbon footprint.

Recognize me yet?

Thought so, and surprise, I'm your mom!

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:(

"My mom's not like that!"

Stop defending your mother to words on a page, you're part of the problem and you don't even know it.

I lied before anyway, and I'm actually your dad, aka the reason you like to be choked in bed.

"How am I part of the problem?"

"Wait, how'd you know that?"

And there's your answer.

Get my drift? No? Let's try a thought experiment.

You're driving in traffic and you're angry because people are in your way. It's like they don't even care that you need to get home.

"That doesn't apply to me!"

Try reading between the lines then.

Things only apply to you if you let them, get it?

What about the inverse then, nothing applies to you if you don't want it to.

I'll give you one last chance here.

Back to your mom, the one I described.

Why do you think she does what she does? Why do you think she is who she is?

Why can't she see it?

She's self absorbed too.

Like you.

And we all ignore it, but can anyone really blame us?

It's because you think of your view, your reality, as the right one, the best one, and she does it too.

You pretend like you're the first to come up with it.

As though in order for it to be special it has to be different.

Or maybe you're a wellspring of exceptionality.

Too busy being an individual to acknowledge everything that's really at play there.

I do it too.

Maybe it's because I only read what I like or maybe it's because I watch too much TV and porn.

All I hear is shit I agree with and fake moans.

Truth is your view is just yours, and you only like people who validate it, so I guess you'll never get it.

Wait a minute, isn't that how viewpoints are formed?

Only think about what you're told to.

Get it?

"They're all selfish sheep, right dad?! I get it now!"

Get it? "They're"

That's you.

Because this whole time you've been imagining the people my words could potentially apply to.

Bet you've been picturing them too.

But I've been picturing you.

Wake up, daddy's gettin the belt out now.

"Those specific examples don't apply to me, you're wrong!"

It's not me.

That's you ^, and that's the point, kind of, if you read between the lines.

Unless I went too fast for you.

But seriously though...

You're just you and you can only be you, and long ago your ancestors realized that willful ignorance is a decent coping mechanism, which is evolutionarily advantageous, and thus it was naturally selected upon.

Can't have monkeys going crazy when survival requires eating their own.

Same deal with groupthink.

Gets scary when the world around people makes them all think the same, and then gets them riled up, doesn't it?

How do I even write the noises a gaggle of angry monkeys would make?

"Ooh ooh ahh ahh, let's burn the Jews"

No one ever acknowledges what goes into forming their thoughts and opinions.

No one ever breaks them down objectively,

like hey, wait a minute,

THAT'S FUCKING CRAZY.

You must watch too much TV too.

Especially since you were probably thinking about the political opposition during that bit about groupthink.

Until I made you think about Nazis.

Remind me, who's evil these days?

Because I think it's you.

Not your fault I guess.

Can't have people seeing themselves for who they really are though, they'd all go nuts.

If you feel attacked or confused you're missing the point, it's right fucking there.

I'd tell you but that really just defeats the purpose.

That's stupid.

Then again, maybe you could just stop listening to me and think for yourself.

Or at the very least just think.