Why Is It Dark

Hi, steemit people long time no talk so I have been trying to quit smoking for many years. Before I get into that let's take a look at who long I have been smoking.

Frist, I wont to say

I love smoking it is my thing. I started at 7 years old I am 31 years old now, what before you judge me I would like to say I did not start smoking to look cool though I did have another agenda

I have ADHD I do not like it but it is there.

Let's take a moment to talk about that before we come back to the problem at hand. For the longest time, I thought that all those physicians were full of s*** I thought to myself (there's nothing wrong with me) I was wrong, I will elaborate on that. At 7 years old I know that there was something wrong with me (in other people's eyes) the pills that they put me on sucked the life out of me in layman's terms

I WAS A ZOMBIE (LOL) (JK) it's not funny.

I want to apologize right now there's going to be a lot of uncontrolled jumping around. With that being sed when I say (I love smoking it is my thing) what I mean is that I have done everything under the sun

every drug known to man. I got pretty bad with alcohol and meth but that's a story for maybe another day. At the start and the end of all this, the smoking was still there.

Now let's take a look at the (I did not start smoking to look cool) I was a loner I was the person that sat alone this was not because I was weird or anything like that well I guess in some ways I was.

I mean I had more energy than any one person should ever have and at those moments in my life, I had lots of friends. Having that much energy was not convenient for those that raised me so in comes the pills that slowed me down and kept me from acting out. Friends faded because I was not the friend that they became friends with I was a zombie.

Man the way that those pills made me fill was like what I think fish fill like in a fish tank

and someone is taping on the glass. I know at that point in I needed to do something else so I started to observe smokers. What I found was that thay became calm after smoking. After several months of observation, I started checking my medication so that I can flush it down the toilet. I new getting cigarettes was going to be easy my stepmom smoked basics she hated me anyway so it wasn't like I was breaking any trust here.

So now I think you get a bit more about what is going on so let's move on. I did not just stop my medication and start smoking on the same day. I stoled some cigarettes from my stepmom and you would think that she would notice you would be wrong

she was just as fu**** up as I was or more on pills. That sh** goes deeper than I care to elaborate on maybe next time.

I got my pack of smokes now it is time to wait until the drugs wear off. A few days later I could feel myself getting antsy I now at this pot it was time to try this out so I made a break for the creek that runs through the property. To pant a pic this was my dad's ranch if it could be called that let's move on. The first cigarette that I ever smoked was the best feeling that I have ever had to this data. It was not a good test to see if it would help me because

I passed out for a hour and a half. I gave myself credit I made it through half of the cigarette before that happened. Each time it became less effective on the passing out part and dizziness subsided over time. At this time I know that I could do a proper test on whether or not this would work for me or not. Keeping me calm without turning me into a zombie it was a success.

I was happy again and my love for cigarettes began to grow.

I had my friends back, let's get something straight it was not because I smoked I did not tell anyone about me smoking tell I was about 13 and this was not so much telling as being caught and I could not put the genie back in the bottle. The fu**** up part about all that is that they did think that about me smoking. My stepmom made me smoke a whole pack which was f****** awesome

I almost got that feeling that I did when I first smoked. The whole time she was like (You think this is cool you stupid s*** smoke another one exe....) and I was like yak, yak, yak in my mind. Little did she know the whole time she was like (He's been so good the pills are working) to her fu***** friends it was her cigarettes doing the job.

With all this being sed I do wont to say that I do not think that you should smoke

it is the hardest habit I've ever tried to kick. I have kicked meth, alcohol, heroin, acid, exe.... and at the end, the cigarettes were still there. I have been 8 years sober except for the cigarettes.

I went to see my doctor about a year ago and she tells me that my cholesterol is high, so I think do some exercise and all would be good how very fu***** wrong I was. I go back to her this year and she tells me that it has only gotten higher.

My Dr. starts asking me all this s*** and the fact that I smoke comes up so she suggests putting me on some medication to help me quit smoking. The medication was also supposed to help with getting depressed about the fact that I have to quit smoking. It does not help it does what that s*** I took when I was a kid did. I mean I've slept

more in the last month-and-a-half than I have in the last year not good.

The point to all this ranting and raving is that I was able to quit for a month-and-a-half this morning I failed miserably. I made me some coffee and went to go get some creamer out of the fridge that has no cholesterol and there was none left and I got madder than I have been in a very long time.

I got my wallet went to the 7-Eleven bought a pack of smokes came home got a lighter and smoke one I feel like s*** for doing it I just wanted to tell someone.

That's it for this post thank you for listening to me I do apologize for the overwhelmingly use of GIFs they help me express bits and pieces of my story. I'm sorry for the whiny violin sh**. I just needed to tell someone about my failure I felt bad I think it's the stupid f****** pills.

Thank you for listening you Steemers keep on steeming.