Preparing Your Child for Taxation

  Ask your son to mow the lawn and agree to pay him $10. When he completes the task and asks for his money, give him only $6 and withhold $4. Tell him this is called “income tax” and he must always share part of what he earns. Explain to your child, that his brother and sister are not working or don't like to work, but they need money too, so you give them $1 each – (they will always support you for this). Tell him the other $2 is for your administration costs for sharing the money.  

 Place his $6 in a bank account, and explain that you have authority over his bank account, which entitles you to remove half of any interest earned. Remind him that if he tries to hide any money from you, it will be evidence of him doing the wrong thing and you will be entitled then, to take all that money from his account. At this point you will also conduct random searches of his room by bursting in unannounced and going through his drawers, pockets, and cupboard. If he questions this and says it's unfair, tell him that you are acting on a tip-off from one of his friends, but you can't say which one. If you find any extra hidden money, confiscate it all as well as his skateboard and play station. Explain these are being withheld as punishment and he is confined to the bathroom for being “greedy and selfish”. 

 Make up as many rules as possible, but tell him about only half of them. If he breaks a rule he didn't know about, tell him it is no excuse because ignorance of the rule is never an excuse. Make sure all the rules make little or no sense and some are contradictory. For instance, tell your son that bed time is 9pm, but send him to bed at 8pm. When he tries to explain that you have broken the rules, tell him that you have the right to vary or interpret the rules in any way you like to ensure peace in the house. When he complains, order him to the bathroom again, for his own good, to think about his disobedience.  

 Promise to take him to the movies, but when he reminds you it's time to go, tell him that his brother and sister need more money now, so you can't afford to take him. Explain that your promise was not a “core” promise and therefore doesn't count. 

 Appoint his brother or sister to chastise him without notice and without reason if they feel like it, and explain they are appointed to protect the peace. Tell him they are immune from getting into trouble regardless of what they do, because they are authorised by you and he must address them as “authorised officers”. If your son decides to resist and rebel against your rules, tell him that you and the rest of the family can use force if they think it is necessary. Explain this must be done to keep the peace and is well within the rules. 

 Mark a spot in the back yard where he can put his bike. If he puts it anywhere else, or not exactly within that spot, fine him $10 and take away his bike until he pays the fine. If he doesn't pay, sell the bike, keep the money and lock him in the bathroom again. 

 For his “own protection” install a camera in his room and tape all his phone calls. Remind him, this is only a precaution to keep the peace. You may tell your son lies if you think it's necessary. Explain that you just don't have much time for him because you have greater responsibilities running the house, even though you spend much of your time in your air-conditioned office, thinking up new rules. Enforcing the new rules will give his brother and sister something to do.  

 Tell his school teachers that they should not give him extra marks or credit for good work . They should be given to other kids who don't perform well, or are members of an ethnic minority. If he complains, accuse him of being “racist“ and that he should say “sorry“ to them and give them money.  

 Ban cutlery from the home, and tell him this was done due to the fact that you heard about a boy his age, who once stabbed somebody with a fork. However, allow his brothers and sisters to have cutlery because they are “authorised officers” and their rules are different. If he protests about not being allowed to have cutlery, question him severely about who he “intends to stab with a fork and why”. 

 Issue him with a card with his name and photo on it. Tell him he can't go anywhere without it. If he tries to enter the house without using the card, send him to his room and make him strip down while his brothers and sisters watch, apply humiliation and explain this is being done, not to embarrass him, but to protect the whole household, just in case he might be carrying a fork. Always ask where he has been and why. At any time, ask him how much money he has, Confiscate any money above a preset limit. If he protests, confiscate all his money and search his room, then confiscate everything he owns and lock him in the bathroom. When he asks “what's going on?”, explain to him that … “you are only here to help him”.  

 Footnote: This is a joke, do not do this to any child (there will be time enough for this to occur later in life) – it is clearly cruel and inhumane treatment and can't be condoned. It violates your son's basic human rights to enjoy the rewards of his efforts. The only people who violate this human right is, of course … “You Know Who”. 

 by Larry Hannigan