Source Pixabay

Sometimes I wonder why I always gets depressed with everything, everytime...

As a teenager, I'm quite aware of all my flaws and stuffs. I commits mistakes and fails most of the time, but what's making it all more hard, is that... they seemed to blame everything to my clumsiness and they said I'm too irresponsible. Okay fine, I am irresponsible back then, but I have changed... I tried to change.. they just didn't see my efforts.

Source: Pixabay

Have you ever realized how sad it is to discover that you we're a mistake? That your very existence was a total joke?

I was doing the household chores as usual, when Mom was saying stuffs and I barely listened since I was quite busy. Then I suddenly heard her say, "You were supposed to be aborted but I fought for you." I mean, I already know that thing... and I can still remember how I used to cry when I first discovered that. But then, Mom added, "We named you after your grandmother so she would at least consider you as her granddaughter and accepts you in their family."

There, I stopped cleaning and looked at Mom... like wtf? Is that why they gave me this name? I never thought that was the real reason why they gave me this name. I never thought I was this unwanted, I never thought how broke I could be. It was already too late, I felt my @tears running down my cheeks. How am I supposed to smile now? I feel so freakn helpless. I wasn't supposed to live - is that it? They did not accepted me when I was a baby. I can't believe things like this actually happens in real life. I thought this stuffs only existed in movies.

Source: Pixabay

Sometimes I wonder why my @tears just don't ran out.

I cried in front of Mom, she hugged me and said, "Don't worry, I did my best for you, to make you see the world. It may be cruel, but there's always a small light beyond every darkness." I sobbed and cried myself off, I was just so damn hurt. I can't believe this... And I thought they were actually happy to have me from the start... I WAS WRONG ALL ALONG. I thought to myself, "Wow, my life was actually a mess from the start."

Later that night, I couldn't sleep. I kept on thinking why they don't want to accept me. Was it because they didn't like Mom because of poverty? Dang! I kinda hate her but I can't bare to make that hatred grew any stronger for she is my granny, no matter what. Then I remembered how I bought her a cake and a customized mug on her birthday. I saved that money from my part time job, and some was from my savings when I was still studying. I was supposed to use that money to buy a new shoes, but I missed her so I thought of saving for my shoes next time.

I did not regretted buying her those though, it just really hurts so damn much. I get hurt too, I'm a human too and even if I read too many motivational quotes, that just simply can't take away all the pains in me. I prayed to God to forgive her sins. I don't want to plant any hatred to my family, that's just not my thing. It's just that sometimes... I wish I could live someone else's life, who's family wasn't as messy as mine. I hate this... but life goes on...