My diary, Monday, June 22, 2020 - second day

What to write? I feel bad.
And this is my "bad", it has been going on for years. Again and again, different situations, cities, people.

Sometimes I seem to be stronger, I do something, I rush forward somewhere.

And then - everything ...
So what?

What is there to write?
I lose all sense of doing anything.
It's like my whole life is a punishment.

I punish myself.
I'm sick of it.

And no, I'm not going to "do stupid things," or somehow harm myself. I'm just tired.

But I do not even allow myself to be total. I do not allow myself to truly express emotions. To truly live, to be.

I am doing something. and then I regret it.
I do not want to do something, but I do.

Today I talked with a guy who I do not like.
Why am I doing this? We hugged, he drove me in his car.

It kind of makes me feel dizzy.
Although every time I think WHAT I DO WITH HIM ?!

WHAT?!

But here he again offers this or that undertaking - and I agree.
And I don’t know why I am doing this.

I feel bad, I'm tired, I do not see a way out.

Yesterday, I just lay on the floor, and so lay with my nose buried in the corner of the sofa.

I was lying on this floor, and it seemed to me that the whole burden of my life was crushing me. It’s as if I’m even being drawn into this floor.

I lay there until my half-sister knocked on the door, I got up, AND JUST AS IF EVERYONE WELL opened her door, we talked nicely, she brought me crackers.

Oh my God