Running against uncertianty

I am sitting here staring at the wall in front of me. No, that’s not right. I am sitting here staring at my race number and participation badge for the 10k I ran earlier in the year, the one that made my fall for not only with running but with running as a community.

That race number was the sole survivor of the “cleansing” I preformed after the accident that sent me to my third knee surgery (not related to running) my running shoes, belt, water bottle, social media site ect… were not so lucky. I wanted all of those out of my sight. I did not want a reminder of what I could no longer do.

But somehow that number survived. Maybe because I was in no shape to reach over my desk with my hurt knee. But looking back now I think it was more than that. I think part of me wanted to remind me of how amazing that runners high felt, of the running community, of the freedom and calmness and of the zen.

Next week I will see my Doctor again for a post surgery check up. I plan on asking him a question that I am not sure I want to hear the answer to. I can not avoid asking it though. I must know. I want to ask about the possibilities that I will run again. and not just run but RUN again.

I don’t know a better of putting it. I’m sure I will run here to there, to keep up with my son or to get out of the rain but that’s not the same as running for miles and miles for the joy of it. That’s something that not everyone can understand.

But I’m scared of his answer because I will want the truth not a vague maybe or it depends. I have came to an understanding that I may never run mega distances such as ultra marathons or iron man’s. (but I would still love to try) That sucks but is understandable.

What I do not want to hear is that I am lucky to be walking normal (which I am grateful for) and that, at my age, be out running more than a few short miles or worse yet, not at all.

But I need to hear the answer. Good or bad hearing his professional opinion will better than mulling the question over and over in my mind speculating the worst.

And if his answer is not what I want to hear then so be it. Yeah, I’ll tell myself that until I truly believe it.

~meditations~