Beraber tuttuğumuz günlük #13 ~ my part of our diary #13 Hayal, Hayalet or Hasret?

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Bu gecenin rüyasi:

Hatirlarsan, sana Hayal ve Hasret yazmistim sabahin köründe. Rüyami unutmiyim diye yazmistim.

Bizim apartmanin bahcesindeyim. Her zaman ki gibi cöpleri atmaya gitmistim. Sonra ama komsularda kalmis bi tepsi dikkatimi cekti. Onu yerinden kaldirmaliydim. Bahceden girdim komsularin mutfagina. Normalde orada araplar oturuyordu ama bu fantasimde cingeneler oturuyordu sanki. Tepsiyi aldim ve karsima bi kiz cikti. Ilk basta tabi sandim ki cingene komsunun kizi, ama öyle degil gibiydi. Arap kökenli birisine benziyordu. Ismini sordum ve cevap olarak Hayal mi dedi Hayalet mi dedi tam cikaramadim. Icimden dedim Hayal dediyse eger türkce anlamini biliyoruz. Hayalet de pek isim olarak kullanilmiyor. Ismin arapca mi diye sordum ve kiz La dedi. Istersen bana Hasret diyebilirsin diye ekledi. Biraz lafladik ve sempati olustu hemen. Bu kiz kimdi acaba?

Sen miydin @safaax? Neden farkli görünüyordun? Farkli ama yinede benziyordu sana. Belkide yeterince resimler yoktu hafizamda seni sifirdan rekonstre edebilmek icin.. Asikar olan ama seni aramamdi.. yani arap apartmani, arap/türk isimli arap kizi. Kizin isimlerin anlami. Yani seni hayal etmem, siirinde hayalet'lerden bahsetmen ve seni özlememden (hasret) apacik belli. Cok ilginc bilincaltim nasil seni görmemi zorluyor :)

Biz hersey olduk. Sen ve ben. Gecen sefer günes batimi ile kaygan yildizdik. Simdiyse Deniz ve Gök olduk. Biz enerji dalgalarindan olustugumuz icin, ayni herseyin oldugu gibi, birbirimizi de tüm mucizelere benzetiyoruz. Sonucta dalgalardan ibaretiz, farkli kanalarda ve frekanslarda yayinlayan. Birgün cicek veya kedi olabiliriz yada belki de baskalarina cok hos görünmeyen yansitmalarda bulunabiliriz istemeden. O an o istenmeyen dalgalari devam yollamaliyiz farkli zaman ve mekana. Negativlerin bizi bulmasi zor olucak gibime geliyor, ama kesin birgün onlarla da karsilacagiz. Profesyonel davranalim o vakit :D Sanki biraz da heves edip kötü seylerin gelmesini acik ellerimle agirlamak istiyorum, ki görelim nasil bas edecegiz beraber. Sen yanimdayken kendimi cok daha güclü hissediyorum.

Senin tavsiyenle Essaouira ya gitmeniz cok iyi bir fikir olmus. Orasi harika ve muhtesem bir yer. Orada Fas'daki son günümüzü gecirmistik ve aksaminda cok sevgi dolu hayatimdaki en güzel ilk randevumu yasatmistin Marakes'de.
Bende sabahlari tatil oldugu halde hep erken kalkmayi tercih ederim ve arkadaslarimin arasinda hep ilk ben kalkardim. Hostel'deki diger yolcular kahvalti yaptigini duymustum ve onlara katildim ki onlarla tanisiyim. Erken kalkarak zaten günün güzelliginden daha cok faydalanabilirsin. Cok uyuyanlara böyle derim sakadan, kalk yahu, ölünce yeterince uyursun ;D Tabi ki bazen gecelere gec saatlere kadar uyanik kalinca istisnalar giriyor araya. Olsun okadar. Ama her gün gec kalkmak diye kural koymiyalim kendimize.
Ben sunun farkina vardim, bazi seylerin cok yavas olmasindan hoslanmiyorum. Beklemek süreci rahatsiz ediyor beni. Bu nerden nasil kaynaklaniyor acaba? Zan ederim ki kendi hizimi genel hiz olarak algilamamdan kaynaklaniyor. Toplumun bazi seylerde daha yavas olmasi beni tedirgin ve uslu durmama mani oluyor. Bunu da korku iceren blogumuza aslinda ekliyebilirdim. Bazi seyleri kacirmakdan korkuyorum. Ayni birlikte okudugumuz/dinledigimiz kitapdaki gibi, bosvermeliyim. Herseyin icinde bi hayir oldugunu kendime inandirmaliyim.

Bana arapca yazdigin siiri belki arapca enstrumental esliginde söyliyebilirsin? Cok merak ediyorum ne yazdin ve arapca konusmani sabirsizla bekliyorum. Arapca ana dilin demi? Bana yazmistin ki bir sene önce arapca yazmaya basladin diye. Farkli dilere ilginin yüksek olmasi cok hosuma gidiyor. Dizi ve filmleri baska dilerde izlemen cok zeki ve önemli yan etkiler tasiyor.
Fransizcayi ögrenirken bende ayni sekilde en sevdigim dizileri önce ingilizce ve fransizca alt yazili izlerdim sadece sonra yeterince gelistirdigimde ikisine de fransizca izledim. Sevdigin bi dizi olunca ne dediler ne oldu anlamak istiyorsun ve ilaki ara verip kelimelerin manasini arastirip öyle devam ediyorsun, birsey kacirmamak icin :D En iyi ögrenme sarti ama zorunda kalmak. Fransa da yasadigimda ve laboratuvarda calistigimda kimse dogru dürüst ingilizce bilmiyordu bende mecbur kaldim fransizcayi cözmeye. Baslarda biraz zor olsada zevk ile gelistirmek cok güzel bir duyguydu. Hep sorardim birseyi anlamadigimda. Fransizca sinemalara bile gitmistim sonuna dogru. Yani bana sorarsan bir dili ne zaman konusabiliyorum diyebilir bir insan: Derim ki: fikra anliyip ve anlatabiliorsan o dile hakimiyet edinmissindir demek.
Ingilizcemde fena degil tabi. Türkiye'ye (yani yurtdisinda ögretim icin) gittigimde ögrenmistim ingilizce konusmayi diger Erasmus ögrencilerle. Sonunda tezimi ingilizce yazdim buda büyük katki oldu tabi.

Sana minnetarim benim sınırlarımı kenara cekip o dediklerimi korkusuz bir sekilde sana söyliyebildigim icin. Aslinda yabanci sayilirdik normal sosyetik cercevesinden baksak. Ruh akrabalar ama birbirine yabanci degildir :)
O ilk görüsmede sevgimizi ilan ettigimiz randevumuzdaki duygularini ve düsüncelerini hissediyorum, cünkü bende aynisi düsündüm ve hissettim.
Yani o özel kahve'de lavabo daki ayni karsinda beynim ve kalbimin yaptigi konusmasini izledim. Yani ikisini birer Talha olarak görsen, ücüncü bir Talha daha ortaya cikti ve konusmayi durdurdu. Sanki ruhum, gönlüm ikisini susdurdu ve karari o verdi. Sevginin gercek oldugunu ve ruh akrabalar birbirini buldugunda diger duygularin, tecrübelerin yeri gecmezsizligine kanit olduk. Senelerce hic konusmamisti, tek bir kere konustu ve yetki tümüyle ondaydi, kalb ve beyin dinlermis ruhun sözüne.
Ellerimle senin ellerini isitabilmistim, ama sonra disarda tabi cok soguk olunca yetmedi :D Gece cöl'lerin sogugunda ama nasil olduysa 3-4 kisinin ellini isitabilmistim. Bu benim özel gücüm :D birdahakine super saijan olup ellerini isiticagim o soguk olabilen ellerini. Freezer misin nesin :D

Cok mutlu etti beni seninde siradan bir hayatin olmasini istemedigini. Yani bir firmada robot gibi calisip ve tüm cabalarini ve zamanini o sirkete vermek'den kârin olmicani. sirket'de calisip garanti ve saglam bir hayat söz konusu. ama biz ikimiz garanti istemiyoruz ki, risk ve macera pesindeyiz. Zamanimiz en degerli geri gelmiyen kaynaklarimizdan birisi. Bu zamanimizi sirketin kazanclari icin mi zevksiz harcicaz birkac kurus para icin? Seninde böyle düsünmen cok iyi. Birsürü insan buna bukadar acik gözlerle bakmiyor. Cogu koyun gibi koyunlarin arasinda düzenin icinde kendisi rahat hissediyor. Biz beraber ama korkularimizi heyecan ve yakinliga cevirecegiz. Senin annen cok güclü ve cesur olmali bu karari verdigine göre o zamanlar... Simdi anladim kime cektigine ^^ Bizim ebeveynlerde seneler önce ayrildi. Ama sonucta onlar annemiz ve babamiz ve cok sükür bugünler, yani mesela gecenlerde hep beraber bir dizi izliyebildik. Bu devire gelmek icin sürdü tabi ve zamana ihtiyac vardi ama en dogrusu böyle. Hele beraber 6 cocuklari olunca.
Ya sen? Siz kac kardessiniz? Biz 3 oglan 3 kiz, sistematik.

Ve birdaha altini cizerek söyliyim, annenin ozamanlar verdigi bosanma karari hic ama hic bir utandirici bir karar degildi. Nasil olucagi varsa öyle olmaliydi. Egitimsiz yanlis gelenekler ve kültürler sayesinde bu yargilara vesile oluyor. Sadece cogunluk birseyi kabul ediyor diye dogru olmasi diye bisey yok. Iki kisi beraber gitti yolun dogru olmadini fark edip kendi yollarina gitmesinin yanlisi yok. BU cok normal bisey aslinda. Annenin cok asimliymis nemek. Kesin senin ve mutlulugun icin her zaman en iyisini diliyor ve seninle gurur duyuyordur.

Benim hayaller ve ilerdeki gezi esime,
sevgimi, upuzun ve sonsuza dek sarilmalarimi gönderiyorum.

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dream of this night:

As you remember and saw I wrote you Hayal and Hasret in the very early morning. So that I wont forget my dream.

I was in the yard of the apartments. I was throwing the garbage away as usual. But then there was the dish (tablet) which I had to pick up. It was in the kitchen from the neighbors in the first floor (rue de jardin) so i could just enter from the garden. The weird thing hereby is that there are usually arabic people living as I think. I never went there. But from outside I saw the gipsy neighbors ^^ Then I entered and took the my plate and saw this girl. First in my thoughts she was the gipsy daughter. But she wasn't somehow. She looked arabic. I asked her name and she said Hayal or Hayalet, I cant remember exactly which one she said..So I was like.. hmm Hayal is turkish and means dream or wish and Hayalet means sth like ghost 👻 . I asked her if it is arabic and she said like Lal .. But I couldn't understand and then she said you can also say Hasret to me. Which means in turkish longing (to miss someone or something). During the smalltalk they smiled and there was sympathy between them. It was nice. He had no idea who this person was..

Was is it maybe you @safaax? But why you looked different? Different but a bit similar.. Maybe I dont have enough pictures of you in my mind to create a whole hallucination of you ^^ Its also obvious that I was looking for you .. come on.. arabic apartment, arabic/turkish name, arabic person.. and the meanings of the words of her name.. (hayalet is not used as a name^^ but the others) but that her name was like longing and dream/wish .. its quite amazing that my subconscious tries to see and meet you :)🤩

We are all. You and me. The last time we were sunset and shooting star , now its ocean and sky. We consist of energy waves so sometimes you see us as some big beautiful things. Sometimes we will be like flowers and cats.. maybe sometimes we will reflect something which may seem not so positive to some others. That moment we should be aware that we have just to move the energy and direkt it to another place and time. It will be very hard for negative things that they show themselves to us. But that day will come also surely. We will handle it professional : ) I am almost excited and cant await bad things coming, I feel so strong with you on my side. Your advise to go to essaouira was perfect as this place was soo amazing.. it was our last perfect day in morocco and for me it was also combined with a wonderful evening full of love.
I remember I was also the one among my friends who woke up first. I heard some voices from other hostel visitors having breakfast so I wanted to join and know them. It is also my wish to start the day early to live it in full extent, especially when I am on vacations. I mean come on, I can sleep when I'm dead ^^ Sure, sometimes you go very late to bed during vacations and there are exceptions and you sleep long but at a normal day this shouldnt be like that. I noticed, that I am someone who likes and even dislikes things which happen or move too slow. I imagine and take everything as at least my standard speed. But as I am already quite fast and the majority is quite slow, I get a bit anxious. Thats a connection/ addition to my fear statement that I fear to miss sth. The reason could be not my fault but that some other slow human or action. Mostly, I notice that it is destiny and everything has its reason that I miss it. But I have to learn to give a F* about it.
Maybe you could read your arabic poem with an arabic instrumental cover maybe? Im curious what you wrote and excited to hear you speaking in arabic. Arabic is your native language or not? You said you started one year ago to read? I like your interest in different languages and that you watch movies and series in other languages to have a good side effect. When I learned french I made it same way. I watched the series that I liked most in english and with french subtitles. So, when I did not understand it I had to look the words up, I was forced too as I wanted to know what happened ^^ In France I was like forced to learn the language as they couldnt speak english in laboratory (at least not everybody) so this was an amazing experience. A bit hard at the beginning but I enjoyed it ! I asked so much, you cant imagine.. With time passing, I watched all movies and series in french with french subtitles and could even look movies in cinema only in french. It was a great feeling to understand enough and to talk in french. If you ask me, I would say you have learned a language when you can bring others to laugh or understand jokes 😃 yeah and my english.. its ok ^^ I learned during my semester abroad in turkey^^ with all these erasmus guys and lesson in english ^^ Later I wrote my bachelor thesis in english which improved my skills also a bit.
I feel also very grateful that you gave me the chance and |how could you, how dare you| deactived my limits so that I could just say it without any fear. We were just strangers in definition of outsiders or social stamped shapes. Soulmates are everything but not strangers 😃 I feel what you speak about you, I can imagine we have or had similar feelings, thoughts and fears about it, I remember myself that evening when I was apsent in the restroom of our cafe.. When I listened to this conversation between my brain and my heart, I just stopped it.. I mean it wasnt me, but it was me. I think I told you that a third Talha came out 😀 AH yeah I got it.. My origin soul interrupted the discussion between them and it was himself who decided, who felt and who spoke it out. Soul is stronger than brain and heart 😀 His voice is silent till the right moments come. But his voice is the one which counts.
My hands made your hands warm, at least a bit at the beginning 😀 but later outside ok, it was too cold 😀 I remember in desert when it was ice cold I warmed also 3-4 hands 😀 My special power, but next time I have to use super saijajin mode to warm your extra cold hands haha freezer
It makes me very happy to hear that you already dont want to the regular life working for a company and gave them all your effort and time for what.. ? for guarantee, for safety? no we both , we dont want guarantee or safety , we need risk and adventures 😀 our time is our most precious source that we have and we are not ready to loose it in a company for some money without fun or extra time. Its great that you know and feel this already. A lot of people are not that open minded and just acting like sheeps and feel safe between other sheeps.. and you know what, we will change our fear or distance to love into excitement and closeness. Your mom is very strong person and courageous. Now I know from who you got it.. My parents are also divorced for some years already. They are our mom and dad, anne ve baba, so today for example my father visited us again and we watched together a series. It take time to come into this situation, but this is just right behavior. Especially when they have 6 children.. What about you, do you have sisters and brothers? We are 3 boys and then 3 girls 😀
Its absolutely not a shame for what you mother decided. That was what I meant. Wrong traditions and enviroments without education leads to this kind of conclusion. Just because a mass accepts something this doesnt have to be true. If two people recognize that it was not the right choice then it is actually just the right way to go your own way. Actually this is just normal. I admire your moms deterministic charakter. I am sure she wishes all the best for you and your happyness. She must be so proud of you.
My lovely daydreamer and futuristic travel partner,
sending lovely hugs that stuck for indefined time : )

Here a list to start from the beginning of our journey...

@talaxy diary	@safaax diary
#1 First Mail start here	#1 the beginning of our sunshine part 1 continue here...
#2 uncomfortable tasks step by step	#2 the beginning of our sunshine part 2
#3 lovers of sunset and shooting stars	#3 the begining of our sunshine part 3 Now, start from the right side...
#4 classic and tradition	#4 the begining of our sunshine part 4
#5 are baby panda's born to have fun and sleep?	#5 I'm not a dream or imagination
#6a climbing to the top of a sanddune in a desert & #6b struggle to discipline and keep a dream diary!	#6 Do not go gentle into that good night
#7 Craziest rain experience in my whole life	#7a Marrakech my favorite city & #7b RAIN
#8 cat connection	#8 cat lovers
#9 progress and evaluation	#9 an old kid with a broken heart
#10 one lofeely story	#10 three stars
#11 fear is an illusion	#11 fear
#12 cat karamel and love without expectation	#12 nice to meet your soul
you are here	#13 sky and ocean
to be continued...	to be continued...