Parts of me: The not so glam reality that is Penellope's Transition. (Part 2) (Revisited-updated)

There is nothing so relentlessly pure as the birth of your first child. I know without any addendum's that I had no idea what love was until my son was born. I had graduated high school six months early and in my rush to become an adult and free myself from the oddity of my grandparents house I had fostered a relationship with a dear friend, in the course of this she had become pregnant. There are many things about that time I regret, many things I would love to change, having my son has never been one of them.

I was however lying constantly to everyone in my life and it was starting to show. My best friend was a man I had known from middle school, he had tossled brown hair and a clumsy smile. Quick to laugh and musically inclined he was everything I wanted in a partner but that was a barrier I couldn't overcome. I cut off contact with him completely, trying to focus on my family unit I worked three jobs and tried to find a direction in life. I suppose I never had the time or understanding that in order to make forward progress we need to understand ourselves and have a firm grasp of our past. I had none of these things, added to that I was desperately depressed. The facade of manliness I had spent so long cultivating was eroding under the constant presence of others. There was no time to relax and be myself, I was on all day and all night. It had to have been a living hell for my wife. I am not a sexual person, add to that a body I have no idea how to biologically work and sever trauma around sexual interaction and you get a funny but withdrawn partner. I have not let a year go by without apologizing to her for those years, I walled myself off and despite her unending efforts I never did let her in. I needed a way to provide for my family, get away from those who knew me and prove how manly I was. There was only one choice really, this girl joined the army.

I signed up in the hardest entry level mos, 19D, I requested a posting in Germany and I made sure to get the six year version of the contract. It is a very rare thing to figure out how big a mistake you have made without any waiting. Basic was horrible, I was liked and physically had no problem excelling in the environment however I am a soul sensitive deeply empathetic person who loves art and soft blankets, philosophy and deep conversations are my fun Saturday night. I am everything the military beats from you and I realized it way too late. Half way threw basic my wife decided she was done and began a relationship with my best friend, they are still happily married and have three more kids. They were made for each other and it makes me so very happy that they found joy in each other, at the time the rejection was difficult to deal with. I made it threw basic at the top of my class. I was a wreck mentally but I made it. I shipped to Germany and one month later nine eleven took place. We all know what our country did during the following years, I was not spared from that horror.

Six years later I stepped off the plane at DIA a free women. I was more damaged than when I left which is saying allot. All connection with my soul was gone PTSD made every day a walking nightmare. I was in every single way a walking shell of a person. I found work and walled myself away from everyone, I had one sexual encounter during my time in the military and directly after, this resulted in my second son, who brought me out of my haze but moved away shortly after his birth. He was assigned female at birth but at four began his transition, in him I would see the growth of time. He will never suffer like me, not for one day will he be disallowed himself or be made to feel the odd man out. I am so very, very proud of him. I wondered aimlessly until the dam burst five years later.

I quit my job, public interaction was just too much, I went to school and became a broker then recused myself to my home, me and my sister bought a duplex together. I traded all day and shrank into the void. Eventually even that was too much and I sought help from a psychiatrist. I will end this segment here, right before I became healthy again, right before it all turned around. Be sure to keep an eye out for the final chapter of the trilogy of my transition. Love to all of you! I hate ending on a sad note, this is me as a child helping to build my grandparents home.