WARNING: Do not move to Mexico!

You may run across articles proclaiming that, for the fifth year in a row, Mexico is the finest retirement haven in the world. You may receive emails extolling the freedom, fine weather, low cost, and excellent healthcare. Do not be fooled!

After a harrowing four months of living in Mexico I am here to tell you the truth. I have heard stories of more and more gringos moving to the area. As I arrived some sort of limit was reached – any more is way too many. Total coincidence. This compels me to issue this warning.

It often begins with a week-long trip to Puerto Vallarta or Cancún. I want to encourage you to take a trip like this and spend all the money you can. Pay close attention to the US State Department warnings about the violence and stay in the tourist areas. After this brush with beautiful weather, tequila, beaches, and mariachis, you may find yourself thinking that you could get used to this. You must stifle these thoughts immediately. The terrorists and cartel thugs are everywhere. Stay at home, stay alive (Actually a joke about SAHSA, a former airline of Honduras).

You might even meet some Mexican people and find them open, energetic, happy, and welcoming. You wonder why they aren’t wearing their “Pinche Trump” T-Shirts. These are merely actors hired to populate tourist areas. Real Mexicans couldn’t possibly be that happy.

You might also meet some resident Canadians or Yankees and find them cheerful, healthy, and much younger than their years. Again, merely actors. We all know that Northerners are naturally tense, anxious, argumentative, and dependent on copious pharmaceuticals.

So remember: don’t challenge your assumptions about the world. Curiosity killed the gato. Stay in your comfort zone. And you know you don’t want to trouble yourself with learning another language.

By the way, I am all in favor of the border wall. It might keep a few more gringos up North.