Remote Review

My grandmother told me that cleanliness was next to Godliness. What is loneliness next to? Perhaps its commonality is only in the rhyming factor.

It is totally possible to be lonely in a crowd. I experience it every four days out of eight. I work in an Airport where there are upwards of 4000 people travelling through, and I can hear the constant din of noise that all blurs together after awhile. It becomes a silence in my ears that is deafening. It makes me hungry.

I can eat nonstop to fill that void in my belly, which I had thought was hunger. It turns out to be a hunger of a different kind. A beast, inside my belly. It pretends it is hunger and its disguise is insidious. It turns out to be loneliness. Only when I am full to the point of pain, does the beast stay quiet. The beast seems to protect my heart pain, with physical pain. The beast somehow offers my heart protection from the pain of loneliness.

As I peel back the layers of my being, like the skins of an onion, I now no longer need the beast for protection. As I acknowledge the pain for what it truly is, I now have a more healthy way of protecting myself. In the knowing and accepting is a path to freedom. In the God box you go, Beast.

Originally Posted on April 4, 2009

It is now 2019 and looking back over 10 years of living on, I no longer experience loneliness and choose to be alone, most of the time. The type of job I was doing back then, was draining the life out of me. I felt trapped in the decision and direction that I had taken. That job did teach me to be kind always. One never knows who will be your next boss or what you may offer someone you never knew it mattered to.

I have healed in many ways, and have learned so much about myself. Acceptance in who I really am, verses who others need to see me as, as cliché as that sounds, is sometimes very hard work and is contrary to previous practices.

I have learned that I don't have to know where I am going at all times.
Usually when I think I know, I am surprised when it doesn't happen.
It never happens like I thought it would happen.