Dear Diary: Imagine Being Sick More Than Half Of Your Lifetime, That Is Mine

It is hard to get sick and all my life I had waited for my body to get well and tried all my best, all the necessary things, all exhaustible treasures from my own coffers and yet I failed to achieve a normal level until it gotten worse and soon I found myself in a constant struggle to try to fight for my life twice week in dialysis because if I don't go I will just continue downhill until I eventually just die in a lingering death.

The worst part of my life are the pains that I have to endure and that is not the only thing that I am really enduring but also the psychological burdens on my mind regarding my situation where I am always constantly thinking about what will happen in the future which always gives me the worries and rattles me from my foundations.

It is also hard in my part to know that I am in the mercy of somebody that will mean life or death for me and if they would let me go and have myself fend for my own needs, so it scares me too. So I am actually terrified of a lot of possibilities knowing that some of the good things that is happening in my life now has their limit and I don't know when some of those good things would end.

I could have achieved more if I had not gotten sick. I could have gathered may medals at school or learned to dribble a basketball for a change or learned how to play a music and all of those required a healthy mind and body which I didn't get but only a body that was ridiculed for its appearance even before I had this Leontiasis condition especially what happened on my back which quite disabled me in many ways.

So I am just hoping for a place in heaven because in this world it seems that even though I was loved by so many, the pain that still I have to endure day in and day out is unimaginable because it is unrelenting. I may fight this and continue to fight because somebody out there helps me but it doesn't mean that it is easy. God help me.