Life with Multiple Personalities (Dissociative Identity Disorder)
She felt compelled to pick up the pencil. When she did, it started writing in a childlike scrawl. ‘My name is Meghan’ she wrote and then started to draw loops and swirls, designs all over the page. Her name appeared over and over and over again as though she was just learning how to write for the first time.
The look on her face was fiercely focused. The furrowed brow, the tip of her tongue sticking out as she wrote and drew, not noticing anything else.
Suddenly, she was feeling very tired, “I’m so sleepy,” she said, rubbing her eyes. “I think I need a nap now.” And just like that, she set down the pencil, grabbed a pillow from the couch beside her and laid her head down to rest.
Brady watched as her breathing instantly slowed, her hands tucking under her cheek on the pillow. He knew at that point that Meghan was gone for now. She would go away and rest in her own little safe place and he had no idea who would show up next. He sat in his chair, trying to focus on the book in his hand as he kept an eye out, knowing that someone else would be waking up any minute.
He didn’t have to wait long. The person laying on the couch rolled over, stretching as if waking up from a long sleep, when it had actually only been a matter of minutes.
She sat up, yawned and looked at him across the room, slightly confused. “Why are you sitting there watching me sleep?” She looked around, feeling a bit lost, “How long was I out this time?” She asked.
He sighed in relief. It was just Bri. She was fairly safe. “Not long. Meghan was here.” He gestured to the coffee table where Meghan’s notebook lay open.
She picked it up, staring at the childlike scrawls on the page, “This is just so weird.” Bri looked at him, sitting there so matter of fact, like it was perfectly normal for your girlfriend to just be several different people.
“Honey, it’s okay. Really. I love you and we’ll get through it. Besides, Meghan isn’t difficult to deal with. Not like…” his voice trailed off and she knew he wouldn’t continue. Saying her name always felt like asking for disaster, like just the mention of her would summon her wrath in an instant. They were always very careful to keep her name as far from their lips as they could.
She got up and went over to him, feeling the need for the physical connection of touch. He was her safe place, her security. She curled up in his lap, resting her head on his shoulder.
“Did you hear that Mike called the company president an asshole?" he said.
“What? Holy shit. What did Mark say to that? I can’t imagine he took it well.” She replied, playing the game with him. They always had to grab any chance for ‘normal’ life when they could. Whenever she woke up, they went to normal discussion as soon as possible.
Talking about work was usually a safe topic. They all knew about work and as long as they stayed away from the triggering topics, Bri usually stayed around for a while.
“Well, Mark fired him, of course.” Brady laughed, “In the typical Mark fashion.”
Bri laughed at that, “So, what did he throw this time? The phone?”
“Actually, the computer monitor.”
“No way! He threw the computer at him? Damn. He must have been pissed.” She snuggled closer and enjoyed the conversation, happy to just feel like a regular person having a chat with her boyfriend. She always revelled in these times, hoping that the rest of it, the reality of it was something she could just mentally will into non-existence.
They talked for a long while about work, about plans for the day. They were both becoming a bit relaxed, they way they always did before all hell broke loose.
Brady suddenly had the thought, ‘maintenance is required, clearly we need to get back to therapy soon,’ but he stupidly brushed it aside. It was so hard to do anything at all when she was curled up against him like this. He just wanted to stay like this forever.
He wasn’t even sure what he said to set her off this time. What combination of words he had said to bring Kim to the surface, he had no idea, but he knew the second she switched.
Her body tensed and he could almost feel her skin crawling. She hated it when she came out and they were snuggled together like this. The intimacy make her furious. She was standing and glowering at him, a sneer twisting her features before he even had a chance to react.
“Well, what the fuck are you looking at?” She said, her voice low and hard. She turned to the kitchen, “Is there any food in this piece of shit place or have you been wasting the entire fucking day curled up in the chair?”
Sighing, he stood. “No, there isn’t food here. You were asleep earlier and I didn’t want to leave you here alone.”
“Oh, poor baby.” Her eyes raked over him, leaving him feeling raw, “You were afraid I’d come out, weren’t you? That I’d take the chance to leave the second I could?” She turned and opened the nearly empty refrigerator. “Well, you weren’t wrong, asshole. I’d have been out of here in a heartbeat. What the FUCK? We don’t even have anything to drink? For fuck’s sake, Brady. Can we at least have something in this fucking place? Just occasionally?” Slamming the fridge door, she stormed out of the kitchen, grabbing her purse and heading for the door.
“Wait,” He knew it was futile, but he had to try, “Can’t you just… I’ll get food. We can go shopping. Just…” He sighed. She was already unlocking the door. It was time for another adventure in public. He never knew which of them he was going to get when they were out and about, but he knew this wasn’t the best option.
“Wait? Can I just WHAT?” She turned on him, her eyes blazing for a second just before a glimmer appeared in her eyes. “You want me to behave? Is that what you were going to say? We’ll see, won’t we?” She spun on her heel and headed out the door. He grabbed his keys and followed as fast as he could.
I thought it was quite interesting that this first prompt came up today. This topic/these memories have been at the forefront of my mind lately. Both because of conversations that my husband and I have been having as well as just revisiting the early days of our relationship and marriage.
If you found this interesting, you might also like my short story that I wrote a while ago called Voices: The Party
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Wow, Byn. Did you have any recollections when another one was out? Or just from what people have told you?
I have read several books about this and my heart goes out to you because usually it says that something pretty bad happened to trigger this and you have hinted at that in your life too.
Hugs to you and I really think that you are amazing!
At first, for the first couple/few months after Patrick realized what was happening, I had no idea. I just thought I was sleeping a lot. I would wake up and be in the car in the middle of a drive and have no idea how I got there, etc. I would struggle to remember, but then just assume that I'd fallen asleep and forgotten. He kept trying to tell me what was happening, but it was pretty unbelievable for a while. Until I started hearing them, too. I could hear/see, but I couldn't respond. It was like someone else was at the controls or something.
In hindsight it's fascinating, but at the time it was pretty crazy. Especially for Patrick, who was going through this with no one else to talk to. Once we finally found a therapist who dealt with it and had experience, he'd been dealing with it alone for at least a couple of months. I say "alone" because obviously I wasn't there for most of it either.
Well, no wonder he is a keeper! that must have been crazy scary for both of you and for your daughter (first one is a daughter, right?) too.
So glad that you found help!!
I've long thought that the way we handle trauma, when that means the land of DID, is kinda ... I always want to say it's breathtaking and almost beautiful. I don't know if that sounds ridiculous or offensive. I don't mean it to be. I just find it creatively amazing how a human will get around themselves when that means the most fragmented of ways, in order to keep themselves whole ❤
Not offensive at all. I have had the same thoughts many times in my own experience. I'm not sure my husband always had the same thought, since one of the alters absolutely hated him and was hell bent on destruction all the time. BUT we're both thankful that I had the mechanism in place to survive and exist/function as well as I did.
I'm also thankful that I was able to (mostly) hold myself together until Patrick and I were together. He was definitely my safe place, because it wasn't until we were together and I had the bone deep trust in someone, that it could come out and start the healing process. Of course it wasn't quite that simple, but it was a start.
I can't imagine it would have been at all simple or cut and dried. I think you're amazing :)
Wow @byn. I'm speechless. This is powerful writing. I wish I could vote, but I'm below 75. I had goosebumps reading this. I have studied this and related to the context having once questioned if I, too, was a multiple. Many years of abuse are blocked from my memory. Well done.
Thank you.
The general consensus is that serious abuse before the age of 8 can cause Dissociative Identity Disorder. I do know that it is possible, even as adults to dissociate to some extent and block things out, but I don't know if it is the same. I don't know, though. Up until all hell broke loose for me, I had no idea about any of it.
When my family/friends found out, there was all kinds of "Oooooh, THAT is what that is? I thought you were just drunk/acting like a toddler/being weird" when in reality, I had no memory of any of those things, because at that point in life, I was dissociating whilst being completely unaware that I was still even conscious.
Of course still to this day there are a LOT of black spaces in my memories (as in years and years of them as well as sporadic months/etc.) but I don't know what I was doing or 'who' I was at the time. It is a bit unsettling to know that at least for a good portion of my life, I was capable of going, doing, functioning, making choices, etc. without being at all aware of what I was doing.
It completely changes those years of bad choices/drinking too much and "blacking out" to a whole different level.
Yes, I can only imagine. I had a dream or memory once that finally gave me insight into my younger past and abuse that occurred. I have discussed this with some close to me and it was part of my own personal healing. Like you, I was unaware of some strange fears and my abusive marriage, I think was part of a twisted reliving of something I was too young to understand.
I am so happy that you found your safe place in your husband and have been able to move forward. Hugs.
I am glad that you've finally been able to find your other half as well. It makes a difference <3
Thank you @byn. I never have had a relationship like this and I am finding it so nice to know this level of comfort.
Wow... this is just brilliant writing. A dear friend of mine has DID and I hear echoes of her experiences here. Amazing Byn, thanks for this :)
Thank you. It's kind of odd trying to figure out HOW to write about the experience without it being confusing, but at least I have the perspective of knowing one side of it pretty well!
Lol yes, that's true. But you wrote about it from his perspective, and it worked beautifully <3
I have heard of multiple personalities, but I didn't know it was called DID, nor have I ever heard anyone talk or write about it so clearly. I am astounded to know you have been through this yourself.
Thank you. I've been wanting to write about it for a while. It's a difficult topic to write about for several reasons, but I think I may have found the right perspective on it, finally. I hope to write a lot more about it in the future.
I look forward to reading that!
This was really fascinating to read