Sex lessons for modern Grade 4s in shithole South Africa
Good news for all those people who complained about having to do mathematics at school that they're never going to use!
If you've been suckered into some of the following (not an exhaustive list):
- balloon payments on cars, leaving you with 1/3 of the value of the car still remaining, coincidentally just enough for yet another balloon payment on a new car, if you trade in 2/3 of the value
- 30+ year no deposit home loans, leaving you with an ever increasing gap between the value of the property and the interest as the monthly payments are too good to be true but they somehow are true, while the total amount you've paid steadily increases but that's 30+ years from now me's problem
- multi-level marketing schemes, whereby you spend money you've saved up to now, expecting to get that back in spades further down the line, thereby exploiting your ignorance of both the time value of money, and exponential growth...
You were right that you've never used the maths they taught you at school, but hey, there's a new hope!
A brand new and improved curriculum!!!
A brand new and improved curriculum prepares you for the challenges of the modern world by making you more flexible, with yoga. Yoga has helped me to see things in a different light. Between my legs. From the next room. Kids don't have enough natural flexibility when they're 9 and can still tickle their noses with their feet - they need MOAR, MOAAAAR!
But wait! There's more! EVEN MOAAAAAR! The new curriculum will also teach you to think outside the box you can barely draw with crayons yet (except with your flexible feet, of course) by helping you to understand the alphabet soup of tumblr genders beyond the realm of XX and XY chromosomes.
It is crucial for kids who still eat dirt and don't have hair on their swimming costume areas to know that they may look forward to more options at their disposal than the traditional gender roles in nuclear families that result mostly in rearing mentally stable, socially responsible kids. Albeit with a smack of the ole religion and the occasional looking at and eating off a different menu.
Those upper class kids from broken homes where there is more $$$ than hugs and more concern for parking spots on campus for the family's umpteenth Bavarian sedan than for finding a way to pay for tertiary education or even a means to get there during waking hours need a way to prepare them for a life of activism and sticking it to The piece of shit The Daddy oops I mean The Man. That's right, the cycle of poverty is not a bicycle that will serve as public transport... but rich folks need to know that a life of crime and general degeneracy is also an option for them! Just rebrand it as activism and social justice.. nudge, nudge, wink, wink, but no protesting after dark on the other side of the railway.
Why run with the velocity whereby you arrived at a better station in life than your parents, and they in turn at a better station in life than their parents, when you can just become an ineffective ward of the state who tries to break Shatterproof windows at Starbucks with chairs that weren't bolted down properly? Until everyone has good breeding and rich parents, none of us are free! Champagne and berets for everyone! Allota continua ad nauseama! Burn that station and the train that arrived there! That will show them! Solidarity, my gender neutral sibling!
You may think that using your woke Gilette razors to shave that Che beard would qualify you to apologise and ask for permission with the public access key combination code gender who is DEFINITELY NOT AN OBJECT of your affections, but in case it doesn't... the new curriculum will also teach you to effectively apply your Grade 4 yoga to help yourself. That's right.. they're also going to teach kids 9 years old to masturbate in case Reading, Riting and Rithmetic don't Rile them up enough! Practical, hands-on education, at last!
