I was thinking to myself the other day (obviously, who else would I think to? One of those other idiots out there? Please. (We'll ignore the implications that I'm an idiot because I'm the one monologuing, hence I make the rules.))

Anyways. I was thinking to myself, and I wondered as to the purpose, and thereby the use, of the monologue, the soliloquy, the oration, the drone, the harangue, the I should stop looking in the thesaurus, just because I just remembered that function and decided to use it doesn't mean I should do so and thereby destroy my authenticity (Do not question the authenticity.)

And I found that in truth, there is no use other than to annoy people. Hence, my previous and future use of the aforementioned. (Wow, now I feel fancy. I should use more long yet uncomplicated words.)

But this time I decided that I should include others. So-

Where is everyone?

_{Some of their family members kinda just got slaughtered.}

Oh. Ok… then. Well, was it at least an amazing death, a spectacular finish?

_{Just some guy with a cleaver. Nobody knows his name, not really sure he has one.}

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Oh. Umm. Well, was it at least a fancy cleaver? A nice one, an expensive one, something with artistic designs or-

_{Nope. Just some cheap junky one he got from the dollar store.}

Ah. Ouch. Well then… Wait a second. Why do they sell cleavers at the dollar store?

_{I have no idea. Your imagination, you make the rules.}

Shh! You're not supposed to tell people that. Anyways, where was I… Oh yes, Well then, at least it's not the worst death one can experience. That would involve a segue, a Segway, three doors, five purple elephants, a cliff, 16 dimensions, a rodeo clown, and at least six escaped asylum patients.

How that all fits together, I have no idea, but there's something terrible in their potential.

In any case, I think I'm going to have to monologue. Oh dear. Just when I was planning on getting out of it. Are you sure there's nothing else I can do?

_Weeelll…

Can you not stretch the well out? It's rather creepy (which can occasionally be fun but is getting rather annoying tonight). Also, It tends to get mortar in the water, which nobody likes to drink.

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_{Wow, that was a terrible pun. Ok, so you could write some poetry.}

Poetry? Blech. Alright, maybe a few haikus…

I have no idea
How I'm supposed to do this
So I'll spew garbage

That was rather fun
I think that I'll try again
And hope that it works.

When haikus start to fail you
Go move on to the real thing
And You'll find that it feels true
So much better than nothing.

Poetry can be intense
Or simply light and easy
Though at some point you may sense
That you make others' queasy.

And then you'll find that two stanzas
Is really all you need.

Umm, yeah. I'm done. So… yeah. Moving on?

Or not.

-hyperbole out.