Her Emancipation
I love quotes but I hate them, too. I hate that they're true. How it's easy to share them on social media and tell myself I think of the same thing. Many times, I thought I understood a quote well but would find out I never really did after a while. When I finally figured what the quote really means, that's when I'd realize I understood very little before.Now, here's one quote I find so much meaning from. This is by Steve Jobs. It became a trend when Jobs passed on. Up to now, I see it being shared occasionally.
"Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle."
I became too fixated on "Don't settle" that I lost its essential meaning. I thought it meant go for something big and don't settle for small dreams. I thought that what we ought to do should always be bigger than life. I'm sure Jobs was ambitious and had big dreams. But I doubt that when he started he already knew he's gonna go big. He just chose a job he loved and did it so well. Only, it's not as simple as that to become Steve Jobs.
Clearly, he's an outlier.
But it doesn't mean only he can be happy. And whether he really lived a happy life or not, I don't know for sure. I am only sure about myself and what I want. If that story about John Lennon is true, telling his teacher that what he wants to be when he grows up is to be happy, then I completely agree with him. I would never understand this well had I not left my Finance career of 10 years.
10 long years of escaping and chasing and running and crying and rolling along and simply going with the flow.
I was not made for numbers. I was made for words.
I left my job in April this year. I had a full, exciting plan of building an art business while writing on the side. Writing part-time, that WAS my plan. Three months later, I decided to quit my disillusionment. I used art. My rebound career after leaving Finance. I thought I was sure what I MUST do. Those 3 months didn't turn out as productive as I had originally envisioned it to be. But it opened my eyes more than the past 15 years ever had (combined college and working years). I realized I was not sure of what I want. I was only sure of one thing, i.e., I wanted to escape. I wanted so much to do something else other than numbers. I even suspected I might be just lazy. That I didn't like working. And writing can't be considered work for someone who has no name in writing or publishing. Until it became so.
Rebound career, that's how I call art. Truth is, I love art but not entirely the process. I'm in love with the process of drawing but not painting. They're two different things. I was pressured when people asked me to make art for them. It's even harder to draw someone I haven't even met. I need to have been able to spend time with that person to capture not only the likeness but also the spirit. And painting...ahhh...painting. Like a charming man I'll always like but not sleep with. Art isn't my soulmate. But it will remain a part of my life and I know it will never leave.
To be happy. That's my daily promise to myself. I stopped getting overwhelmed with the shining, shimmering, splendid. I started embracing my whole new world. The journey to where I am now was faced with lots of thorns. For 3 months, I was tempted to go back to corporate to have that regular stream of income from monthly paychecks. The only thing that held me back was the fear of being imprisoned again. I've tasted freedom. I can't go back and be miserable again. Always taking refuge in quick fixes. Or always on the look out for another company with a potential to do a less toxic job. Now that I'm here, would I say I made a calculated risk? A colleague during my despedida lunch asked, "Are you not afraid you're gonna lose security, no medical insurance, no retirement benefits?" I've thought all about that. I'm single and I managed to subscribe to personal comprehensive insurance. Wow, it reminds me...I've been able to pay for that using my earnings from writing. As to my Dad, he's over 65, not anymore eligible for a company's medical insurance. I make sure we eat well. Hardly any processed food. It's been almost 4 months that we don't buy canned goods. Our relative gave some including my favorite Spam. One day, Spam. One day. We also have our occasional chips and beer. And for the rest of our needs, I call out to my angels hehe. Life didn't stop. Becoming minimalist freed up so much space for calmer breathing. I'm pretty lucky not having that much on my shoulders to worry about. I am privileged in a way.
There was a time during those 3 months that I didn't make much from my writing gigs but somehow I've said, "So, this is how to live?" That feeling when you're chasing the sunset. You know it's fleeting so you savor that brief moment of seeing the day turn into night. God, it was enlivening! I've never felt so alive than when I do exactly what I want and even make a living out of it.
The real deal is, I'm in love with the process of writing. Writing is my soulmate. When I decided to quit the art business, I finally attained peace of mind. I came home. The art business didn't quite pick up. But that's besides the point. Still, looking back and with another quote by Steve Jobs in mind, if the art business thrived, I am still not focused on writing today.
"You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So, you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future."
Ask me to write mostly anything and I'd do everything in my power to deliver. But not in art. I have a fetish. I only want to make what I like. That makes it a hobby only instead of a business. I'm glad I'm here. I was trying to hide while I was not sure how taking this jump would turn out. I hadn't spoken much about it. Partly avoiding embarrassment and partly trying to be Lara Croft--on a clandestine adventure.
I was told before by a friend who is very successful today how he felt about our job (Finance job). He has seen every bucketlist-worthy country and can afford plenty of nice things. He said that even though being a CPA pays well, he's afraid this [his corporate job] is what he's gonna do for the rest of his life. I follow his adventures on Facebook, such nice man. Very fun to hang out with. And really very sweet. I'm sure despite stress he's genuinely happy. But I never forgot what he said. It's when I knew happiness wasn't in the difficult equation of life. It's really very simple but most often overlooked. It's having the peace of mind knowing you do what you want to do, no matter how much it pays.
Crazy idea, you might say. But I'm not speaking for everyone. I'm no smarter than you. I only try to create a life which I know really makes me happy. I don't say everybody should quit their jobs now. Maybe, doing the corporate is what they're called to do. Maybe some of us are meant to bake cookies. Or put up a cafe cozy enough for writers like me (some ulterior motive going on hehe). Maybe some are called to make dresses or to design homes or to coach other people. Steve Jobs said, keep looking.
You might think I aspire to be the next JK Rowling. That would be awesome. I had that in mind before. But 3 months after leaving my Finance job, I resolved that the job we have to look for isnt' just THE job. I discovered by my own trial and error that I can be interested in many things but not in love with the process of everything. I realized that I'm head over heels in love with the process of writing that I don't think much of the outcome. Life is in the process, in the journey, not the outcome, not the destination. I just write and write and write and write and write. And they pay me! My clients pay me! They love my work! They must not have realized I was just playing. Because writing for me isn't really the big word WORK. It's my lifestyle now. I thank myself today that I held on and didn't easily change my mind. I've said in a previous blog post that the life I have now isn't so grand by typical social standards. Yet for some reason I'm truly happy and have peace of mind. Even with lots of uncertainties. Who knows exactly what the future brings? But I'm all hyped up knowing that I don't have to keep running and escaping. I was emancipated. The job that I do now will fill my life and I'm okay with it...quite perfectly.
I kept looking. Even if my feet and princess gown gathered some dirt.
(PS. Obviously, this isn't a part of the fiction series I'm writing. The title may confuse you but, no, this post is an entirely different thing.)