Garfield's Christmas
One day, Garfield was walking down the street looking for fun, when he saw an old shoe. It was a Reebok, size 14 dress shoe. Garfield crawled into it and took a nap. The afternoon sun shone on his warm, sneakery nest.
Later that day, Garfield awoke to find a hobo disturbing his rest. The hobo picked up the Reebok, and threw it in his shopping cart. Soon the cart was sputtering over the cracked up sidewalk as Garfield wriggled out of his bed.
Garfield made his way out, and looked around. He was surrounded by beaten-up circuit boards, a backpack, some grubby sweaters, and a box of Christmas ornaments. He was standing on an old towel. One of the ornaments caught Garfield's eye; a shiny silver Christmas ball that called to him like a hypnotic, tinsel-covered lasagna. He stared at it, remembering the days of discomfort tinsel had brought him. But this, this he wouldn't eat. This he would take home and hang on the tree.
Garfield stuck his claws through a transparent plastic panel on the ornament box. He grabbed the silver ball, and sprung up out of the cart. He was tired, and flustered from the shopping cart ordeal, so he decided to call a cab. Soon he was at home with John.
John was very impressed with the Christmas ball. "Great find, Garfield!" he exclaimed. "You're getting extra lasagna tonight".
Soon it was Christmas Day, and Garfield was covering lozenges of dry-heaved oat husks with honey. John was in the bathtub crying. Rudolf and Blitzen came by the house and brought Ovaltine and Bulgarian malt liquor. Comet came and joined them, along with a group of guys from his investment company.
Comet's friends were bored, and the liquor was flowing. They started making prank calls to local hookah bars, and ordering pizzas with John's credit card. Later on, after they had got into a bottle of Laphroaig and found John's carrots and apples in the crisper, they decided to sell Odie to an underground restaurant that specialized in dog meat. Soon they were on the phone, making arrangements.
John emerged, red-eyed, from the bathroom, to find reindeer weighing and measuring Odie, and a gaggle of drunken men slurring around. "Get out of my house!" he yelled, his bathrobe flying open to reveal a chest covered in candle wax. Normally meek, John surprised himself with the ferocity of his exhortation. Just then Santa burst through the front door, with a wad of bills in hand. "I came to see about a dog", he said.
"Get out now!" screamed John, prying Odie away from the reindeer. Santa grabbed a bottle and smashed it over John's head, but not before John kneed him in the groin. John fell to the floor unconscious, as Santa reeled around, doubled over in pain. Garfield plucked the shiny silver ball from its branch and held it aloft. Santa came around to face him, muttering and cursing under his breath. "I'll have that dog," he hissed, meeting Garfield's eyes. "And ALF's coming for dinner at the North Pole next week. There's nothing he'd like more than a big, juicy orange cat!"
Garfield yeowled in anger, hurling the shiny ball straight at Santa's head. It smashed against the big man's temple, sending a shower of shards spilling down over his rum-blossomed cheek.
As the old man lurched around, temporarily blinded, Garfield jumped up into the tree and began unraveling the lights and tinsel. He wound them around Santa's arms and legs, making wisecracks as he went, and taking a couple of short breaks to eat a little tinsel.
Soon Old St. Nick was bound up, and, when John finally came to, they hauled his bulky, squirming frame out onto the front lawn along with the reindeer and business men, who had all passed out by then.
They called up Liz the vet to bring the reindeer in for detox. Santa was taken into police custody.
Finally, John, Garfield and Odie sat down to rest. "Well", said John. "Comet and his buddies ate all our food. What should we do for Christmas dinner?... I know, let's go get some pizza and lasagna, and we'll hand out some to the less fortunate down in the Mission District."
Garfield's ears perked up when he heard the word "lasagna", though he groaned at the thought of helping the poor.
After they had loaded up on lasagna and pizza at Luigi's Zoroastrian Pizza, Nestea And Bilge Haus, they went down to the Mission District. John slowed his car as they came alongside a man stooped over a cart. "Want some pizza?" he asked, as Garfield leaned out the window and saw the Reebok shoe and the torn open ornament box.
The man gladly accepted a few slices, and a paper plate smothered in lasagna. He took a long, lingering pull of mouthwash to wash down a sumptuous first bite. "Thanks," he slurred. "Say, that magic cat came outta my shoe just this morning, and now he done bring me dinner." The man smiled, and looked wonderingly at the car as it pulled away.
"You never know what's gonna happen on Christmas Day", he thought to himself. And Garfield thought the same thing, as he opened up another clamshell container full of lasagna and buried his face in it, splattering sauce onto the car seat.
THE END
