Review: Thordis Elva & Tom Stranger – TED Talk

I was milling on Facebook aimlessly, when an absurd title caught my attention. I had run into an article that insinuated a woman was on stage sharing her experience on being raped and how it affected her, alongside her rapist. Due to not trusting the initial source on Facebook, which had left me baffled, I curiously and awkwardly Googled Woman on stage with her rapist, or something to that effect. After scrolling past three unrelated articles I found what I was looking for.
My personal first impression of the ordeal was disbelief. The video’s thumbnail displayed Thordis, the victim on stage, and standing mere feet away was Tom, the perpetrator. The title reads “Our Story of Rape and Reconciliation,” it was a strikingly powerful visual aide.
After the concern of audience reaction occurred to me that Tom had put himself on display and was openly holding himself accountable for the rape. I watched as he boldly stood in front of the audience, to possibly be scorned for a grotesque mistake he made in 1996.
I set aside the emotions that were already being frenzied within and hit play. Opening, Tom is the first to speak, he shares that he was offered a spot in an exchange program at the age of eighteen. He shares a little bit about the family that welcomed him, what activities he took part in after school, and how he was encouraged to try and be a part of a school play, which explains how he met Thordis. Pushing forward he shares that they had a typical teenage romance, consisting of meeting in-between classes and holding hands. Before trading roles with Thordis he adds that he asked her to the school’s Christmas ball.
Thordis finally speaks to the audience, explaining that she was in love for the first time at the age of sixteen. Once at the ball, she took the liberty of drinking rum, and security wanted to call an ambulance, but Tom, her then boyfriend, offered to return her to her house. Tom helped her into bed and soon after he began unclothing her, inevitably having his way with her. Thordis emphasizes the reality she was facing in a single powerful statement saying, “In order to stay sane, I silently counted the seconds on my alarm clock, and ever since that night, I have known that there are seven-thousand-two-hundred seconds in two hours.” All the while Tom, still feet away is turned looking at her. Thordis further briefs the audience on how Tom did not fit the profile of rape that is publicly exposed on television. Thordis draws the conclusion that this incident must have been her fault through the world’s perception of rape. Beginning with clothing, body language, and use of alcohol. Thordis did not reach for closure as Tom had already gone back to his homeland.
Years later Thordis realized that none of those things were to blame or what lead to the rape. That the only person who could have stopped it was Tom, how he could have stopped himself.
Tom recalls vaguely of the day after it happened. Remarking on the hollowness he felt, and how rape was not something that was crossing his thoughts. That he coerced himself into believing that it was just sex and not rape. Tom recounts that he had broken up with Thordis days later and the guilt he felt each time he saw her at school until he left. The next nine years he spent in denial and ran from the source of his heavy-heartedness. Recounting on his self-reflections; that he was a student, a friend to good people, a beloved family member, and his career path followed that of an outdoor recreation guide and youth worker.
Thordis speaks on how she found herself writing a letter addressed to Tom voicing her thoughts on the pivotal night. Not expecting a response, she was shocked when she received a confession full of remorse. They continued corresponding by email for eight years, the correspondence touched on the delicate mistake that was unfortunately made that night. The letters remained honest throughout and Tom owned up to what he’d done. However, Thordis did not find herself with the proper closure she needed and asked Tom to meet up with her in person.
Thordis looks over at Tom, as he explains how they reunited in Cape Town for one week. They spoke of their lives to one another throughout the week, analyzed their self-histories, and emphasized the honesty shared between them.
Thordis mentions her book, cowritten by Tom titled “South of Forgiveness,” she also shares the dangers of labels and questions if they’re the cause of so much hurt. The video continues for another five minutes. Concluding with Tom sharing that something you’ve done doesn’t have to consummate the sum of who you are. Tom accepted that he hurt Thordis, that he is part of a large community of men that have been sexually violent towards their partners.
Thordis concludes that they are not saying this is how other victims should heal their own pain, that it can have consequences. She advises victims to educate themselves on sexual violence and says it should stop being treated as if it’s just female issues.
Through their story I have learned that an experience of my own was not rape. That instead I was a victim of circumstance, that I was a victim of sexual violence, that I no longer need to feel burdened and weighed down by that experience, that there is more to that person than the actions he willed upon me that night. I choose to see the better qualities of that person and I choose to move forward and forgive. I thank Thordis and Tom for sharing their story and bringing forth perspective and knowledge on sexual violence.
Below is a link to the presentation: https://www.ted.com/talks/thordis_elva_tom_stranger_our_story_of_rape_and_reconciliation