Now

I discovered way too early in life how peaceful it is to be with yourself
I plugged in to music and shut the world down way too early in my childhood
I wanted to part ways with my folks and hometown as early as european kids do
and I waited until I was able to
until it was okay in the american culture I was raised in
I survived two major depression crisis just in time as my generation does
I lost every thing
one by one
just in time to finally start finding myself
I started keeping other people’s secrets way too early in my mind
I started feeling too much for people way too early in my existence
I can feel it from previous lives
I fell in love too late
which led me to a broken heart too late

When you learn things early in life you’re not afraid to go through it again
'cause a part of you forgets the vivid pain it was
but learning something later in life does make you build forts around you
because you have too much going on to be tear down
you’re dealing with too much already
trying to balance
you don’t need another risk to get things worse
but you take the greatest risks when you try to forget abut everything you’ve learned
you try to teach yourself a lesson through your own contemporary battles
and you fuck things up
you get teared down
and eventually rise to be new again
and everything is new again

I can’t say I had much of innocence
never really wanted it until now
but just a fair bit
I want to be an adult with innocence within
I want to fuck it all up and rise again and again
as many times as it takes to look at myself in the mirror
and recognize what I see
I’m in that process now
unrecognizing who you are and the actions you make in order to get to know yourself again
build a new self again
one that can carry its weight without wanting to kill themselves
one that can face it all in confidence
one that is more forgiving
one that in combination of all the other masks you tried on
fits in your eyes when you see them

this is real growth
and I knew way too early that there wasn’t another way for me to do it
than going as far as I could
from everyone and everything including me
everything I lived before
was to hold on to this exact point
too late I started to live the present
I’m not about to unlearn that now