The air smelled thick, and smoky, my neck was stiff. I opened my eyes slowly, they felt glued shut and there was a metallic taste in my mouth. Light streamed in through the open curtains on my front window. It was morning.

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It took a moment for my eyes to focus, and then I saw him. Mr. Remi stood, outside my apartment, face pressed to the glass, looking at me and tapping.

“Mr. Doe, you okay?”

I pushed forward and felt my back peeling away from the cheap vinyl upholstery with a sucking sound. I pulled the headset from around my neck and set it on the coffee table. My knees shook as I stood up. Mr. Remi was still tapping impatiently, staring in at me, the sound thumping in my skull. I felt hungover.

The sofa looked like something out of an old black and white cartoon, the outline of my body was scorched into it. I grabbed my head, my hair, crispy, stood on end, a big chunk broke off in my hand. I heard a key in the lock.

“What happened in here?” Remi asked.

He stood in the doorway, silhouetted in the morning sun, hands on his hips.

“Power went off in your whole building last night,” he sniffed. “Why you smell like burned cat? You don’t look so good. Pull yourself together, Mr. Doe, or nine days becomes none, understand?”

He went into the pantry, I heard breakers thunking off and back on, the lights came on. Remi walked out, the door closed behind him.

I staggered into the bathroom and climbed into the shower, shedding my clothes as I went. I turned on the water and lathered up my face. That felt better. I stood under the warm stream, feeling more human by the second. The shampoo burned my scalp. I gently scrubbed my hair and tilted my head to rinse it, opening my eyes.

As the water cascaded over my face, large dark shadows slid past me and landed in the tub. I looked down. It was hair. I stood frozen for a moment, not daring to check. Slowly, I raised one hand to my head. My scalp stung, but more importantly it was slick, and hairless.

“Nooooo!” I stood screaming under the shower, the warm suds burning my eyes. Then the water stopped.

I wanted to cry, but my eyes were scalded by the shampoo. I reached for the shower knob and flipped it all the way on, then off, then on again. Nothing. I fell out of the tub onto the tile floor and pulled myself up on the sink, reaching for the faucet. Nothing. I needed water, my eyes were on fire. Apparently the water bill hadn’t gotten paid either.

I reached for the only source I could think of. I ripped the lid off of the toilet tank and bent over it, splashing cold, stale toilet tank water up onto my face. The burning subsided and in a few moments, my vision had returned enough to see myself in the mirror. My head was completely bald, including my eyebrows. It was also beet red, apparently scalded by whatever electrical mishap my engineering had caused.

Standing there, shivering on the cold tile, tears running down my face, I knew it was time. If Remi, or the Remi of my dream, or whatever, was even remotely right, if this was all my fault, if I was the only one that could change it, it was time. Today was the day.

Dry and clothed, I felt better. Not good, but better. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, in and out, I had heard once that this centered you. I waited, I didn’t feel much difference. I grabbed a pen and paper and set down at the kitchen table. I made a list. On it I put everything I needed to get done to get my life back.

Get the water on.
Pay the rent
Get a job
Change my thinking
Figure out what I want out of life
Kill Pablo

I studied the list. I scratched out number six. As much as I would love to bury that dog, it didn’t seem to fit with changing my thinking. If I was going to take this seriously, I knew my plan had to be consistent.

Five things. Now to prioritize, but should number one be change my thinking, or develop a life plan? This was going to be tougher than I thought. Where was Remi when I needed him? That was the key,I needed to find Mr. Remi.

Get a job
Pay the rent
Get the water on
Figure out what I want out of life

And finally, once all of this was done, I could focus on developing better thoughts. But, right now, I needed action and I knew where to start.

I printed out ten copies of my resume. It didn’t look like much. I had a bachelor’s degree in philosophy, one summer cutting grass and my job at Home Hut. Sad, really. But, it was all I had. I brought up Craigslist on my phone and ran down the list of possibilities.

I grabbed my car keys and headed out, that’s when it hit me, I was on foot. Man, this sucked. I had made a royal mess of my life, what made me think I was in any position to do anything about it? Well, I’d make sure it never happened again. I clicked on the first ad that sounded like something I could do, counter help at a local bookstore and started walking.

About a block from my apartment, I passed a man with a cardboard sign.

“Need money for food, anything helps, God Bless!”

That image would be my motivation, I was determined not to join this guy behind his dumpster, eating cold soup from the can with a plastic spoon. There was no way that a guy with a college degree could end up there. I’d been so stupid, and it had to change. As I walked, I made a mental list of all my mistakes.

I hadn’t saved a dime from any of my paychecks. That was stupid.

I didn’t pay attention to my credit in my freshman year and ended up buying a cheap car, from a loan shark dealer, and that’s why I was walking. That was stupid.

I spent my paychecks as fast as I got them, counting on roommates to help pay the bills and doing the minimum to be a responsible adult. That was stupid.

Even though I had a degree in philosophy, I couldn’t name my favorite philosopher, quote any philosophy, or even know how to define the word philosophy. I’d only memorized the facts I needed to pass my tests. That was stupid.

The further I walked, the madder I got at myself, the more that homeless man’s face burned in my mind. I would stop this downward slide into oblivion, today! I had to. I had to stop making stupid choices and get smart at some point.

This was all my fault and I felt horrible about it. I passed a burger joint and my stomach grumbled. It was still six blocks to the bookstore, but it could wait. I had just enough for a single cheeseburger with fries and a medium drink. I’d work much better on a full stomach.

As I waited for my food, I saw my reflection in the window. I looked horrible. What a loser. No one was going to hire me like this. Who was I kidding? There had to be another way to fix this. I pulled out my list. I crossed out the 1 next to “get a job” and changed it to 4. I’d have to figure out how to get money another way, at least until my eyebrows grew back in.

My order came up and I went to pay. I was fifty cents short.

“Sorry, dude, you’re fifty cents short,” the cashier said.

“Seriously? Can you help me out? I’m having a rough day here,” I said.

The manager overheard.

“I need a dishwasher. Burger’s on me, and I’ll pay you to finish out the day,” he said.

Was he serious? Did I look that desperate?

“How much?” I asked.

“$50,” he said.

I needed about $700 to pay the rent, and I had nine days, I needed to make more than that, plus, if I was not going to end up like that homeless guy, this didn’t seem like the right move.

“Seriously, I just need 50 cents to pay for the burger,” I said. “Besides, I just graduated with a bachelor’s degree, so, I think I can do a little better.”

I’d made enough stupid choices, this wouldn’t be another one of them.

“Fine, but don’t come back here. I’m not running a shelter,” the manager said.

He put two quarters on the counter and went back to the kitchen. The cashier shrugged and put the money in the register and handed me my order.

“Good luck man,” he said.

“I don’t need luck. I’m done being stupid and I’m not homeless, not now, not ever, I’ll make sure of that, “ I said.

The guy’s face popped into my head. I was never going to be that guy. I could figure this out. I’d screwed up enough, time to do something right. I was only three blocks from the bookstore, might as well go check it out.

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I asked myself.

The store was in a strip center that I’d passed by many times. I remembered going in it once, but I couldn’t remember what for. I finished my burger and sipped my soda, studying the “Help Wanted” sign in the window. I liked this place. This was it, I could feel it, no more stupid choices. Dishwasher? Nah, I could do better than that.
I threw away the empty cup in a trashcan and wiped my face with a napkin, then walked up to the store, just in time to watch a girl about my age, take the “Help Wanted” sign out of the window.

I opened the door and walked up to the counter.

“Hi, here to apply for the job,” I said.

I put my resume on the counter.

“Sorry, just hired someone,” she said. “If you’d been ten minutes earlier, you might have gotten it. I studied philosophy too.”

She smiled. My stomach, with the cheap, greasy burger settling into it, sank. If I’d just finished my first task, waited thirty minutes to eat. This was just like me. I couldn’t get anything right. What was the use?

“Oh, well, are you sure the job’s taken?” I asked.

“Pretty sure,” she said. “Sorry.”

“Okay, thanks, anyway,” I said.

I went outside. Now what? I looked down my list. The rest of the possibilities were miles away. All except one.

“Dishwasher needed” it read. It was the burger place I’d just been asked not to go back to.

I thought about it. $50 is $50, I reasoned. It was more than I was going to make today, and I could look for something else tomorrow. Maybe the owner would give me a shot. I walked quickly back to the restaurant, determined not to be late for another opportunity.

As I turned the corner, someone came out the back door of the kitchen. He looked familiar. It was the same guy I’d seen earlier, the one with the sign. He was coming out of the restaurant kitchen, with a bus tub full of scraps. He dumped it into a dumpster.

“Hey,” I said, with my best attempt at a friendly smile. “Didn’t I see you earlier?”

“On the corner?” he asked. “Yeah, I got ten bucks, so I came here for food, and man, it must be my lucky day. The manager offered me a dishwashing job. Told me some college guy had just turned it down. Some people think they’re too good. It pays $14 an hour.”
The guy went back inside. The manager saw me and closed the kitchen door.

Apparently, this was going to be harder than I thought. I was just too stupid. I deserved this. But, it was all going to change. I would never be on the corner with a sign. No way. I’d fight my way out of this.

All the way home, I repeated my new mantra.

“I will not be a homeless guy with a sign on the side of the road.”

The sun was setting through my open front window. I sat on my now burnt vegan leather sofa with a pen in hand, the pad of paper was on the table. I was making a list of ideas. So far I had three.

Stop being an idiot
Quit making the same mistakes
Sell the VR headset

I looked it over.Other than a slightly burnt smell, and one small scorch mark around the charger plug, it seemed to be in good condition. I knew from Ebay research, before I’d made my purchase using the prepaid Visa financial aid had issued me for my school grant, that I could expect to get $600 for a “like new” headset like mine. In its current condition, working, it would bring $4-$500, most of what I needed.

There was only one way to find out if it was working. I picked up the charger and reached for the nearest outlet. I paused. If this thing blew the power again, it might not matter how much I could get for it.On the other hand, I couldn’t sell it without knowing.

I plugged it in. There were no sparks,or immediate smoke or flame. The charging light came on. I decided to wait for it to charge, rather than risk another electrocution. I sat and wished I hadn’t cut the cord off my coffee maker.