Packt Like Sardines in a Crushed Tin Box (Short Play)

Characters:

Billy Carlin; late 40’s; wears his dog tags proudly; a war veteran struggling with PTSD. Has a raspy voice (probably from smoking cigarettes). Lives in a trailer park and is completely content treating his melancholy with alcohol. He is an aspiring stand up comedian who confuses dark comedy with brutal/depressive honesty. Is also sensitive.

Jeffrey Seinstein; late 20’s; a recent community college graduate. He is a cocky, optimistic, aspiring stand up that preys on audiences more simplistic sensibilities (fart/dick jokes). Is extremely popular/ charismatic.

Matt Maron; late 40’s; an established local comic. He is a sort of mentor for up and coming comedians. Is extremely personable and intellectually driven.

Setting:

Backstage at a packed comedy club during performances on a Friday night.

(LIGHTS UP on the backstage waiting area of a packed comedy club. It is a Friday night. Audible laughter penetrates the room [coming from the stage/audience {offstage noise}]. The room is furnished by worn out couches with visible vomit stains. A rotten wooden table serves as the center piece, separating the symmetrical configuration of shitty couches [one on each side of the table]. BILLY CARLIN sits with MATT MARON on their respective couches. MATT MARON is smoking a cigarette. CARLIN lights a cigarette.)

BILLY CARLIN
(serious)
Listen, that SEINSTEIN kid, I think he’s a shit comic.

MATT MARON
I mean, yeah, he is. But people like him.

BILLY CARLIN
That’s because “people” are easily entertained mother fuckers nowadays.

MATT MARON
That attitude is gonna get you nowhere, man.

BILLY CARLIN
The kid is an abomination to the art of stand up comedy. One of the greatest platforms for intellectual and philosophical discourse on the bizarre experiences of human life.

MATT MARON
It’s also show business… You forgot about that. Popularity is an important factor.

BILLY CARLIN
(frustrated)
Oh, yeah, I forgot. Fart noises interspersed by shitty cock jokes is what the people want!
MATT MARON
(calm)
What is it that YOU want?

(BILLY takes a deep breath and sighs.)

BILLY CARLIN
(relaxed)
I want truth, MATT. I want truth.
(MATT takes a long drag of his cigarette and blows it out slowly. He nonchalantly ashes it on an ash tray sitting on the table.)

MATT MARON
So you presume that your comedy is more truthful than his?

BILLY CARLIN
(confident)
Yeah.

MATT MARON
And why is that?

BILLY CARLIN
Because I at least try for truth. It may not be pretty. It may not be likeable. But I try.

MATT MARON
Truth is a bull shit word and you know it.

(BILLY looks at MATT in disarray. He takes out a flask and downs it all in one lengthy chug. He slams his flask onto the wooden table.)

BILLY CARLIN
(angrily)
You want truth, MARON? You want some fucking truth?!

(A long silence ensues between the two characters. They stare deeply into each others’ eyes.)

BILLY CARLIN
(voice breaking/almost crying)
Do you?!

(MATT remains in utter silence. He looks at BILLY, concerned.)

BILLY CARLIN
(on the verge of crying)
Have you ever had your best friends…?

(BILLY CARLIN chokes up completely and starts breathing heavily as he tries to cease his crying. MATT rises from his couch and kneels in front of BILLY [in an attempt to console him] He places his arm on BILLY’s shoulder.)

BILLY CARLIN
(attempting to compose himself)
Never mind… Uh, It’s nothing. I’m OK.

MATT MARON
(friendly/ cautiously)
Let it out, man. I’m here for ya.

BILLY CARLIN
(sniffling)
It’s some heavy shit.

MATT MARON
Hey, it’s fine. If you don’t feel like talking about it. I understand…

BILLY CARLIN
(sniffling/interrupting)
I watched my best friends, my brothers, bleed out in my arms…

MATT MARON
(flabbergasted)
I’m so sorry. I… I…

BILLY CARLIN
(finally calmed down)
They’re gone, man. They’re gone.

MATT MARON
(gently)
I can’t begin to even imagine the pain… Your pain…

(BILLY CARLIN wipes the tears from his eyes as well as dries his face.)

BILLY CARLIN
Ever love someone with all you fuckin’ got?

MATT MARON
Yeah.

BILLY CARLIN
Your time. Your all… All for them?

MATT MARON
Yes.

BILLY CARLIN
I, mean, and sometimes even if they didn’t love you back?

(MATT is silent.)

BILLY CARLIN
Just the thought of their physical presence on this earth comforting you?

(MATT stares intensely at CARLIN, remains silent.)

BILLY CARLIN
Like a brother, a wife, a girlfriend, a father, a friend. You know, family.
MATT MARON
(softly)
Yes…

BILLY CARLIN
Now, imagine having to shut their eyes for the last time… Looking to you for a help you can’t possibly give…

MATT MARON
I…I…

(MATT stares intensely at CARLIN.)

BILLY CARLIN
I met my brothers on my tour of duty… My family…

(MATT remains silent.)

BILLY CARLIN
Each with the infinite presence of the universe evaporating with their very last breaths… As I laid them to rest one last time. I sometimes still hear those gasps at night…

(Enter an ecstatic JEFFREY SEINSTEIN [post performance]. MATT returns to his original sitting position.)

JEFFREY SEINSTEIN
(boisterously)
I, like, totally fucked that audience in the ass. I had them god damn purring like sex kittens. Pretty sure I literally saw some of them moaning… Hey, you weren’t too bad yourself CARLIN. I mean with all that depressive shit. You know, as good as that can be, right?

BILLY CARLIN
(mutters to himself)
Fucking kids these days…

JEFFREY SEINSTEIN
What was that, old timer? I can’t hear you. You should probably speak louder. Not everyone uses hearing aids like yourself, ya know?

(JEFFREY then sits right next to BILLY [purposefully invading his space]. JEFFREY proceeds to place his arm around BILLY.)

JEFFREY SEINSTEIN
Listen, I get it. You’re jealous. My set was better than yours. It’s OK. I mean, if you ever need pointers I’m your guy. Or honestly, you could just sit in the crowd and take notes or something during one of my performances. It’s not a big deal. I wouldn’t mind.

(BILLY takes an absurdly long drag from his lit cigarette. He condescendingly blows all the smoke directly into JEFFREY’s face. He sarcastically smiles at JEFFREY. JEFFREY rises from the couch, offended. He sits on the couch opposite of BILLY [separated by the table].)

JEFFREY SEINSTEIN
I was just trying to cheer you up, jeez. What the fuck is your problem? It’s hard listening to you bomb worse than Hiro-fucking-shima out there… It’s a cluster-fuck for everybody in the room, not just yourself… You selfish dick…

BILLY CARLIN
(aggressively)
What do you know about bombs, SEINSTEIN?

JEFFREY SEINSTEIN
Actually, quite a lot believe it or not. I’ve seen you perform way too many times. Some sets are worse than others. But consistently, you bomb. So… that’s what I know about “bombs” CARLIN.

(BILLY looks down. A shiver runs down his spine as he moves in place, uncomfortably)

JEFFREY SEINSTEIN
(confused/ a bit worried)
What was that?

BILLY CARLIN
A memory. A relapse.

JEFFREY SEINSTEIN
Are you on drugs CARLIN?

BILLY CARLIN
Who needs drugs? The world is fucked up already.

JEFFREY SEINSTEIN
(cautiously at first then excitedly)
Ok… Well, I’m going to go rail some cheese at the strip joint next door. You know, just in case you change your mind. Peace!

(JEFFREY rises from the couch and hurriedly leaves the room, leaving MARON and CARLIN alone once again.)

MATT MARON
Jesus, I forgot what an asshole that kid is.

BILLY CARLIN
Yeah, it’s gotten worse.

MATT MARON
(deadpan)
He’ll probably be famous one day.

BILLY CARLIN
With the way things are going now, I’m sure of it.

(They both share a hearty laugh. CARLIN kills his cigarette in an ashtray placed on the wooden table.)

BILLY CARLIN
(detached)
You know, I’m thinking about quitting?

MATT MARON
(confused)
Quitting what? Smoking?

BILLY CARLIN
(detached)
Comedy. I am done with comedy.

MATT MARON
(concerned)
What are you gonna do?

BILLY CARLIN
I don’t know… maybe write or something. You know, like a novel? Or some shit.

MATT MARON
Do what you gotta do, man.

BILLY CARLIN
Yeah, yeah. But before I end this shithole of a comedy career there’s something I need to do first.

MATT MARON
What?

(BILLY pulls out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and proceeds to pack them. He then takes out a cigarette and places it in his lips. As he lights it he begins to talk.)

BILLY CARLIN
I feel like every comedian had that one thing they were remembered for. That joke. That bit. The one people will talk about. A legacy.

MATT MARON
You looking for a catch phrase?

(CARLIN laughs sarcastically.)

BILLY CARLIN
Yeah, I am looking for a TV commercial! (laughs)

MATT MARON
Then what, CARLIN?

BILLY CARLIN
(sincerely)
I just want people to know I was here. That I tried.

MATT MARON
(gently)
Listen, they will. More importantly you are part of something bigger than yourself. A movement. A people. A family.

BILLY CARLIN
(emotional)
Yeah?

MATT MARON
Absolutely, my friend… My brother.

(BILLY begins to tear up. MARON moves from his seated position and places himself right next to BILLY on the couch. MARON places his arm around him and comforts him. MARON then looks down at his watch.)

MATT MARON
Hey, it’s almost time for me to perform. Gotta get ready. I’ll see you after the show, though. Right?

(MARON’s name is called offstage. A roar of applause is heard offstage. MARON rises from the couch and begins to exit the waiting area of the comedy club.)

BILLY CARLIN
Sure thing, brother. Sure thing.

MATT MARON
(turning to BILLY as he is about to exit)
How about a beer later?

BILLY CARLIN
Definitely.

(They smile at each other, friendly. MARON exits. LIGHTS FADE. END SCENE.)