Poetry to Give Your Future Children Nightmares! (in a good way)
Mix Master Sammy Levine
In the dark mantra of the ego of the earths harrowing echo. a blamely and namely surely wanker wants to fist an elephant... with hot sauce.
Darth Vader with Tourette’s (1895)
I once met a Chinese master mind from a gourmet train wreck. A young man with no arms or legs. Or body for that matter. Sometimes when I think about it he was more a sheep dog with legs. A couple heads and two dangling balls. I’m pretty sure he’s my dad.
My Grandmother’s Acid Trip (1992)
The government fought Mike Tyson’s ear. They said, “Go to college”. His ear tongue wished and washed the inside of a hum drum town. Licky Licky Licky. Alliteration at its finest.
Unpaid Parking Tickets 2-3 of Them (2014)
The issue with the government is (insert blank).
Failed Suicide Attempts (1567)
The melted cheese really brings out the heroin addiction in your eyes.
Nachos on a First Date (1994)
The sado-masochistic happy meal told the famous chicken butt joke for show and tell. It was a riot!
Canned Soul (1786)
The neighborhood badass walked the frail grandma across the street. He then proceeded to stomp her brains out with his boot on the curb. TO GET TO THE OTHERSIDE!
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? (2000)
Nah. I don’t like rhyme or meter. I like jarring imagery with slapstick intent. I also like corndogs and bunnies. Bunnies are fluffy and cute. Perspective.
Baby Sunbathing in a Car With the Windows Up (1987)
Poetry is for maniacs and hopeless romantics. But hey, what’s the diff!?
Thinking About Stuff (1934)
Stop telling me what to do MOM!
The Agonizing Pains of the Ambiguity of Nonsense (2001)
The patriotism of the oil war shattered the teeth of the brown natives. Meanwhile, the DOW Jones was at an all-time high.
The Ideal Crazy to Genius Ratio (N/A)
The magnetic field of the silver screen pulled their brains out through their nostrils. Dripping. Guts and ooze. “Oohs and Ahhs!”
The Golden Age of Cinema (1952)
Grandmas reading an erotic/graphic novel for the pleasure of pain. Oh, how they wished they were touched in such a way again. But never to return, ever. It’s dust. Only more cracked and torn with age. Inching ever so closely to the casket of eternal nothingness.
The Reagan Administration (1984)
The old crying homeless man on the corner of the street you called “worthless”; he used to be a vicious high school bully.
Glory Days (1492)
His chapped soul vibrated super much. Super duper much. Ricocheting off the walls of his rib cage. Eventually he threw up. Began to feel much better.
True Love on Daytime Television (2011)
The Thomas Pynchon novel sat quietly on his desk judging him while he masturbated.
Pseudo-Intellectual Jacking Off (1856)
The President vomited into the first lady’s purse because he had a tummy ache trying to quell the nerves of his first State of the Union Address.
Sound Bite (1323)
Yeah, I’ll have the juicy steak… And she’ll have just another glass of water. Oh, actually, do you guys have a dog bone she can chew on or something back there? You know, just so she doesn’t feel left out. Play laugh track.
Breaking the Ice… and falling through and drowning in the freezing water (999)
Gravity is so oppressive.
Counter Culture Physical Science (1955)
Auto-erotic asphyxiation is the leading cause of death in the United States behind cancer.
Syntax Tax Revenue for Dummies (2015)
Obviously the text is making a literary allusion to early 20th century novelist Dr. Crab-Clowneypuss and his prestigious existentially dreadful novel called “Future Literary Allusion Source for the Sake of the High School English Department Circle-jerk”.
English Class (1867)
An avalanche of puss slid down his jarring cheekbone as he walked to class. Fighting off bitches with a bat. Ugh, I’m so totally done with this sexist society. He used the word bitch. And the way he said it. Such a rape-y tone. I feel violated. THIS POEM IS ROOFIED, I FUCKING KNOW IT! I FUCKING KNOW IT!
Popping Zits with a Cheese-Grater/ Redundancy of the Paranoid Feminist (666)
Tax my sins not my syntax;
First Author to Allude to His Own Work (2014)
When will the coffee make me beautiful to the outrageous hipster boy band? Tell me I'm uglier than roadkill and fart on my carcass. It's literally the only way I can get off these days!
Sexual Eruption to Destroy Ancient Civilizations (BCE)
