500 Word Stories - "I pooped myself in New Zealand" - Worth $2.00 ??

Six years ago, three friends and I flew to Aukland, New Zealand.

None of us had been here before, so we walked around town, to get a feel of the place.

Auckland Space Needle (Seattle does it better)

Five minutes after leaving the hostel, I kinda had to poop.

Walking further away from the inner city and deeper into the concrete neighborhoods, there were less and less places to poop. I was getting nervous.

A few blocks up, there was an old cemetery. We agreed to check it out.

“Fight the good fight and hold back the bubbles. The dam has to keep holding” I told myself.

I was the last one down the staircase into the cemetery. I let out a silent fart to clear some air.

Unfortunately, the fart tricked me. It was a shart.

Just to be sure it was poop and not sweat, I took my right point finger and poked it near by butt hole. Taking it out of my undies carefully, I examined the evidence.

I must have had poop on my finger at this point. DON'T USE MY CAMERA

I indeed pooped myself. At the age of 27, in another hemisphere.

I shook my head in disbelief. What now? I grabbed a leaf and wiped my poop on it, and then rubbed some dirt around on my fingers. Then wiped my finger clean in the grass. Sorry.

“Hey guys, it’s very important that we find a bathroom soon.” I told the group, pretending that I hadn't shat myself.

A few blocks later we came upon a rundown Asian supermarket and food court.

The 8 year old Chinese girl at the food counter pointed me in a direction.

I swiftly walked to what was a janitor’s bathroom.

Fu…

No matter, I lifted the seat, took off my pants and hovered over the toilet.

I peed brown water everywhere. I had it on my cheeks, my legs, probably all over.

Super amazing coffee we had at one of the local Cafes

After several amazingly beautiful moments of utter relief, I looked for toilet paper. All I found was an 1/8 full roll, sitting halfway in water in the sink.

I had ZERO WAYS to wipe myself clean. Half wet toilet paper was barely useful.

I yoga'ed my body into position to use sink water to wash myself and went to wash my hands.

There was no soap.

We found delicious food everywhere!

As for drying? I’m so sorry.

There was only the kind of towel dispenser that uses real cloth, and keeps providing you with a clean rotation of this single piece of highly durable material. You don't take off a piece, you rotate it and use it, and then the next person rotates it.

Something similar to this.

I used that to wipe poop water off of myself.

I scrubbed my hands as much as I could and wiped them off on more rotating cloth. I would need to find hand sanitizer and another bathroom soon.

My pants were spotless.

It was probably 40 minutes later when I came out sweaty and disheveled.

“Don’t ask questions. Continue as normal,” I told my wide eyed friends.

Overall, it was an excellent trip!

Jealous much, Leonardo DiCaprio? Remind you of The Beach?"