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I don't know why. But i think I'm actually scared of having a committed relationship with someone. I think so because i do not have a best friend. And i believe a lover should double as a best friend.
I have friends, good friends. And it seems, unconsciously, i made sure none of them actually knows everything about me. Like i cut out pieces of myself, of my past and experiences, and shared it among them. Each person holding a part of me the other doesn't. And so, since i am unable to unload all of me unto the waiting palms of someone, preferring instead to divide myself into bits and pieces. I call the custodians of me 'besties'. And it hurts when any of them calls me their best friend and i am unable to do the same.
I do not have a best friend. I hate that fact yet i love it.