Self forgiveness blog 4 - A sense of aloneness, the caveman life

I have this sense of aloneness within myself, where I have this feeling like I can’t depend on anyone - in some regards, even myself - like I have to go it alone completely in this kind of ‘roughing it’ survival mode, where I don’t trust anyone but myself as my own most basic survival instincts - always looking for the most direct path from point A to point B. It is like this cave-man kind of existence, where I keep to myself in this dark place and rarely venture outside (or venture inward, for that matter - as above so below as within so without) unless I have to for my survival - and then I just want to do what I have to do and get it over and done with, and club whoever is in my way or whatever I need to club for my own survival - and get back to my cave as quickly as possible.

What brought this point up for me was today and yesterday I was noticing this resonant sense of aloneness that I grew accustomed to growing up and in my adult life, where, not only do I feel like no one can help/is here to help, but like I can’t even depend on myself to help myself/find solutions. Growing up I had experienced myself as very alone, very much left to myself, no one really communicating to me much about anything substantial, no one teaching me anything, and no outlet to find answers/solutions - no ability to solve anything or even direct myself to find a solution to anything. This is why, when I finally was able to learn basic maths in elementary school, I was quite blown away and really ‘ran away with it’ as far as developing my basic maths effectively. The same thing with learning English and writing. These were two of the only things that ever made sense to me in school.

Often when I would ask for help when I was younger, I never seemed to get answers that clarified anything, or I would get answers/suggestions to try things that would only fuck my life up even more. By the time I was an adult I became very accustomed to going it alone, not even considering that there was support available. Even when the internet came around in my teen years, for all those years I never considered to utilize it as a tool, to do research and problem solve/find solutions. This may be related to how unsocialized I was growing up. I was rather more to myself, more conspiring within myself and against my fellow man in some way, always looking for ways to rise above everyone in some way as though I was in a constant state of war and competition with everything and everyone.

So at this point in my life, I am taking on a ton of responsibility, many different projects, businesses and personal development goals. I often get stressed out in this resonant sense of ‘there are no solutions/there is no help/there are no answers’ - it is like a fear of loss, ironically, being lost within myself in this sense of aloneness. Like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and there is no one who can share any of that weight, let alone give me support/direction/guidance as to how I can manage that weight more effectively so that its not so weighty. So being in the position that I am in is pushing me to have to learn to do something that I’m not very good at: ask for help. To learn to trust, to learn toward with those around me, to be open minded that there is support available, that there is useful guidance and support available, that there are great resources out there with which I can equip myself and support myself to be more effective at problem solving - or should I say, solution finding.

And it challenges my mind/ego, because I can no longer bear this mantle of being a superman/martyr, where its like I can pride myself on ‘doing so much’ and being ‘so strong’ and ‘figuring it all out myself without any help’ and ‘making myself from nothing’. I mean, that is simply not possible in reality - the fact is that we as humans are so completely dependant on the rest of the human species to be able to live, when you look at all of the technology, goods and services that we depend on to survive - that takes a lot of other humans to provide. And ‘going it alone’ only makes me weaker, because our strength exists in our unity, our ability to work and function together, cohesively as 1, to pool all of us together a 1 resource from which to draw on. We are a ‘social animal’ as they say, and so by not remaining in this ‘cave man mentality’ I actually become ‘stronger’, if I can use that word, because its not really about brute strength at all - it is about capability/ability - it is about our ability to direct self here as one and equal to ourselves and all life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and do everything alone and not ask others for help when I require it/see it as practical support to do so

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take pride in ‘going it alone’ and trying to do everything myself - pride goes before a fall, as the saying goes

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within this belief/resonant sense of there being no answers, no available support, no useful people, no solutions, no resources from which I can solve problems

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this sense of aloneness/going it on my own/having no support available is based on past memories - and the simple fact that that was then, this is now - I am here - and if I allow myself the courage to breathe and engage my reality/what is here with an orientation on solutions, that there is in fact tremendous support available, there are tremendous resources available, there are tremendous people available - and there is myself, here, available as the tremendous key through which I can access such support, resources and solutions, but that the key is to go inward with myself so that I can go outward with my reality - as it is the question that drives us

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the greatest resource/support available is that of human beings/life - as myself and my reality - and that the answers do not exist in purely securing resources and material goods

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the key does not exist in a point of perceived strength as this point of going it alone, but rather exist in ability/capability/response/ability - my ability to respond to myself/my reality and direct myself and create myself accordingly, and that I am more capable when I access myself and my reality as a resource/point of support with an orientation on solutions

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist living and acting and finding solutions because I believe there are none - and that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am only equal to what I give as my ability to self direct and self create in acting to work towards solutions which may often times require asking for help

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist asking for help and reaching out/connecting with others, or myself or even educational/online resources, for that matter

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone/going it on my own and getting fucked/losing everything, as I see, realize and understand that it is only by accepting and allowing this self belief/resonant sense of aloneness that I risk existing as a lesser version of myself and therefore inevitably experiencing loss
I commit myself to ask others for help and seek out support when needed and necessary, and to recognize when it is that I need to reach out/connect as a point of self support

I commit myself to get in touch with myself and go inward in self reflection so that I may be more effective in going outward as the way in which I access/connect with my external reality

I commit myself to not take ‘the weight of the world on my shoulders’ as point of pride and ego as this self belief of having to go it alone

I commit myself to do research, educate myself, update myself and take the time to seek out solutions as I see, realize and understand that this is a practical way to step out of the cave of the self belief that there are ‘no answers/no solutions’

I commit myself to stop trying to make things happen/work with brute force

I commit myself to share with myself with myself in self honesty and with others in self support and vulnerability so that I may become capable/able/self response-able in directing myself more effectively in self creation and self expansion

I commit myself to use questions as a way of getting in touch with myself, researching points and finding solutions, and develop this point within myself of asking questions, as I see, realize and understand that better questions will yield better answers

I commit myself to invest in myself/people rather than only investing in resources, money and material goods

I commit myself to prove myself that there is always a solution if I stick with myself/a point and do not give in to the mind/self doubt and give up, no matter how difficult/impossible things seem

I commit myself to give up the fear of loss that is created through a resonant sense of aloneness and prove to myself that anything is possible, that I am HERE and that this point of aloneness is but a past memory of the mind that is not real, and not really who I am as life