20 Minute Blog <strike>a Day</strike> when I can - finding my way

source is this amazing Pixabay artist

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Today I wanted to write about alignment and finding my way. I have been reflecting a lot on my life and how I got to where I am now and where I want to go in the future. This kind of introspection has lead me to a place of gratitude in which I have never been before. I am able to stop every morning and each night and thank the universe for all I have - not in the half-true way I used to but in a fully accepting and utter knowing kind of way.

The way you think in the present will become how you are in the future.

I have heard this line of thought recycled in many ways by many people along my path of self discovery and evolution but now I'm witnessing it in action and it is a whole new world.

In previous years and cycles of my life I have been a rather negative person. I had these constant reminders I would repeat internally to myself which cemented my view on the world.
Things like:

I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
Life is hard or life sucks.
I guess I'm just not meant to be happy.
The good guy always finishes last.
I don't have the time/energy/money for that.

and my all time favorite example - my thoughts on my health:

I get migraines all the time.
My (insert body part) is killing me today.
I just have anxiety/depression.

All these tag lines used to circle through my mind on replay all day long. There were a quite a few more but I won't bore you with them. My point here is that one day I began to just try out changing those negative thoughts into positive ones.

I got to a point where I thought, what the hell? there's no harm in trying some positive self talk - if it doesn't work I'm no worse off than I am now.

And so it began...

Self evolution is ever expanding process. There is no end I've come to see. The joke was on me. I thought at first a time would come and I'd be "cured". I thought there'd be a point where all the sudden I'd feel different and I would know "this is working".

Nope. It crept in silently, slowly.

I now think that process of refereeing my thoughts constantly was a sort of starting point - like a new door. This new door to my mind, (my world really because the what is the world but your own personal perspective?) was guarded - Not in an oppressing way with huge walls and scary guards like before but a simple detector. This new door would not allow those negative, doubting, jealous thoughts to come in. Immediately my alarms sound and those feelings get dissected, accepted and dismissed for what they are. I replace them with empathetic and understanding versions and in they glide through my new door to my new world.

Yes this was exhausting and at first I thought the traffic would never end. But now my thousand or so alarms that used to buzz are down to maybe 10 a day. The quiet is a prize all in it's own. At first I thought who am I without all the noise? And that's when I started telling myself who I wanted to be.

I am a being of light and love
It feels so good to be alive
I am blessed
I am wealthy beyond material measures
I am intelligent and compassionate
The world is full of good people
I am grateful

• oh the list goes on and is always being added to.

Now those auto-reminders of positivism have become natural thought. Now I live in a world where good things happen to good people and the nice guy always finishes first. Now Karma is my friend not a silent enemy I work to evade.

When almost two years into this process my family and I became homeless and bad luck was knocking down our door I thought for sure this was a bunch of bullshit. I almost gave up entirely. Some days I would let myself give up but then like a ray of sunlight those positive auto-reminders would seep in - not in a mocking way but in a gentle and comforting way. I sank deeper into them and allowed the universe to take control.

Relax. The Universe has it under control

After a year of bouncing around, living in a van, with only our most essentials items and a few bags of clothing I really started to let go of the materialistic side. I look back now and realize how tied into those things I really was.

When we had the money to put down first, last and a security deposit on an apartment it was very hard to not let the past taint my expectations for the future. We had been turned down more times that I can count - why should this time be any different? No. This time will be different. We have grown and learned so much through the struggles of homelessness that this time around we will be rewarded. And we were. We got the call and we were so excited and relieved. Then my husband got a new job offer with more pay and I knew things were aligning perfectly for us.

Through perseverance and trust in the process we have gotten this far.

I'm actually grateful for the hard times because you learn the most about yourself when you think you hit rock bottom. I am stronger than ever and also more generous and understanding. I can honestly bow to the universe in all it's wonder and claim gratitude in my heart. No more half-assing for me.

I was inspired to write this tidbit today not only because these accomplishments are on my mind but also because of the @IFC challenge going on now: Motivation and Inspiration. This is not an actual entry as I am only partaking in the Championship for the fun of info sharing but if you have a great story to share be sure to enter into the Championship!

In closing I'm ending this slightly over 20min blog with a music video that keeps me inspired and motivated:

As far as I can see, I've made it to the threshold
Lord knows I've waited for this a life time
And I'm an icon when I let my light shine
Shine bright as an example of a champion
Taking the advantage, never copping out or canceling
Burn like a chariot, learn how to carry it
Maverick, always above and beyond average
Fuel to the flame that I train with and travel with
Something in my eyes says I'm so close to having the prize
I realize I'm supposed to reach for the skies
Never let somebody try to tell you otherwise