Fear of being myself and speaking directly

A fear that I have uncovered within myself recently is the fear of simply being myself - I will elaborate on what that means exactly:

I have had a tendency for a long time to sensationalize my behaviour - to 'charge up' my words with a kind of emotional energy, as if I am attempting to make my words more appealing and enticing than they actually are - like a well-constructed TV commercial where everything is made to be larger than life, to be stimulating. It is as though I have defined/associated the expression of being interesting with being stimulating and exciting at an energetic/emotional level. I remember being told as a child by one of my parents that 'the squeaky wheel gets the grease', and I also remember observing as a child that other children tended to be more reserved and timid as far as 'putting themselves out there' in front of others, and that those who would be more bold as far as being outspoken, being outlandish, being the first to speak/act/take initiative, being the loudest, being the most intense, being the most impassioned emotionally, would be the ones who would be the most noticed and talked about by their peers, and that gaining this kind of attention was an avenue through which they could have the opportunity to get what they wanted, purely by way of having the attention of others.

The most valuable thing we can ever give to anything or anyone is our attention.

I noticed this fear yesterday when I had a business meeting in which I had to speak in a way that was straightforward and clear. I noticed some anxiety and nervousness as I knew that the people that I would be meeting with were very straightforward, stable and clear people. My ability to manipulate my behaviour to be stimulating and to present myself in a way that would be appealing to ones desire to have an emotionally energized experience in conversation would be useless and I knew it, and I would have to speak purely in facts, I had to speak directly.

To my surprise, I spoke well and with clarity - yet emotionally and energetically, this was not how I was experiencing myself - it was almost like I was going through a kind of withdrawal from this energetic personality that I normally employed.

This experience brings me back to past memories - especially earlier on in life in my childhood where I was much more dependent on others - where 'the truth was never enough', where I would communicate myself and my needs directly in simplicity and clarity, only to have them not heard, overlooked and ultimately not met. As a child I did not have the ability to articulate myself with as much creativity as I do now, and so I would find myself in an experience of disappointment and lack. This is where using behaviour that had an emotional/energetic appeal would be more effective in getting attention and trying to get what I wanted - crying, getting angry and throwing a tantrum, or maybe even at times the 'extreme opposite' where I become unsettlingly quiet and uncommunicative - whatever it was, it has some kind of an emotional 'edge' to it that would trigger and stimulate others into a state of concern/fear, sufficient that I had their attention and through that gained some kind of position of power/dominance/control.

So I'm able to trace this 'inner shift' that I make inside myself from actually being/expressing myself directly into an energetic personality that presents its words in a certain emotional/energetic light to these childhood memories that created the fear that being /expressing myself directly would 'not be enough' and that I would never be able to 'get ahead' or 'stand out' or 'get what I want' - whether those are actual needs or just energetic wants and desires that are based in fear. When our desires are based in fear then there is normally this tendency to manipulate, whereas when we are genuine in fulfilling our needs, the desire to manipulate lessens, so this is also a point to consider - am I manipulating and shifting into this energetic personality because my needs are not actually needs at all but rather energetic desires that are based in self interest?

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will not hear me or not accept me when I speak from a point of clarity/nothingness, in being direct, here, without emotion or energy driving my communication

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear 'taking the risk' that other will not hear or understand me when I speak directly/be myself without emotional energy, and to place this fear over and above the self respect of simply being myself and being clear

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to 'match' other peoples emotional energy by also being emotionally energetic for fear that I will not be accepted/heard/understood

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use a personality where I speak with emotional energy as a way of manipulating others to get what I want and fulfill desires that are not actually practical needs but rather based in self interest and personal gain or fear of loss

I commit myself to see where I use emotional energy and manipulate my expression/shift into another personality and source where this point is coming from, what habit it is based in, what is the underlying desire, so that I may correct myself in such a way where I can rather be directive and speak from a point of clarity and nothingness, unconditionally and without fear of loss

I commit myself to check myself before I speak to make sure that I am clear and not speaking from a starting point of energy/desire/emotional manipulation of my words

I commit myself to speak from a starting point of clarity and nothingness and without manipulating my words with emotional energy, even if that means that others may not sometimes understand, but to also not give up when others do not understand and and instead of resorting to emotional energy when others do not understand, use any other means of articulation or alternate vocabulary to be able to communicate myself effectively until I have exhausted all options