Self forgiveness blog 8: giving up for self change, input-output

So I was pretty upset today because I had that experience of: surprise! You have to pay a bunch of money that you didn’t expect to have to pay before! And it shook me a little, like I was a bit angry and irritated and wanted to blame and wanted to know why why and even got a little paranoid like maybe I was being scammed.

It’s like I have this insulated world where I feel ‘safe’ because I’m comfortable and nothing changes and I can just hold onto everything I have, as though I’m in this super great position of wealth where I have everything already and don’t want to lose any of it, and I can just try and hold on to this position/bubble and keep myself entertained while I’m in it. And within this, it is like I do not welcome new experiences, because, as in the instance of today, I had found out that I had to give something up and I only saw that part of it and I didn’t like it, I didn’t see the point of: something is changing here, I am giving something up, and when you give something up, there is always some form of change, some form of difference - what is that change? As I would rather embrace that change, go into it directively with my eyes fully open, ready to move with it and make the best - not to go in kicking and screaming.

And really I am not being fair/realistic when I only see this point of ‘surprise, you have to let go of something’ - because I also do experience unexpected pleasant surprises in my life too, but I don’t question those because they do not threaten my bubble with the potential of CHANGE and having to change - whereas when my wealth is suddenly surprisingly increased, that can add to my bubble, where I potentially have less motivation to move/change. So, I welcome this point of giving up. The main fear is that I do not want to ever go back to the point of wage slavery, and yet that is no guide - fear is never a useful guide or reason to move/make decisions.

What I noticed today after giving up that money that I didn’t expect to have to give up, is that I felt relieved. It was done, I had let go of the stress and defensiveness/fear of holding on to/protecting my money, and something was paid for, and so thing changed, and another step forward was taken in my life. The payment was for architecture, construction licence fees and plumbing/electrical work - all things that I really like to have lol all things that I really enjoy, so I was glad to have them. What the hell is the point of having money if you can’t enjoy it?

Part of my problem is that I was to maximize my financial situation always, like I want the absolute best possible outcome I can get, partly because there are a lot of regrets from decisions I made in the past, points of “if I had only known then what I know now” - but the fact is that I couldn’t have known, and part of why I do know what I do now is because I paid those ‘expensive lessons’, which actually can ow serve me. “It’s not too late” is what I remind myself, and I don’t have to have massive wealth to be able to enjoy my life, like some arbitrarily high number so that I simply don’t ever have to worry/think about/consider money ever again and I can just go back to my bubble of ignorance and being completely irresponsible, inconsiderate and making financial decisions on an emotional whim to feed my minds wants and desires.

Where will I stand financially after I have paid for all the stuff I need to pay for? I don’t know, it could be great, it could be not as great as I would have liked, but what I do know is that I am giving up something so that I can MOVE my reality and myself and have some form of change, so that I can make some kind of difference, and be able to then see where I stand and who I will be when things have changed and I am in a new moment, a new set of circumstances. One thing I do know, is that I have been in limbo for a very long time, without a home, without a real business that is what I would really like to be doing/focused on, and that in and of itself is a form of torture because those are the things that I really want, and I really forget this when I am holding on to money and trying to maximize my fine ciao situation and are my money ‘go as far as it can’ - that I miss out on the things that I really enjoy in life, I miss out on creating new moments and changes for myself from which I can continue on living and experiencing new moments of growth, as I know for sure, that if I simply remain in the situation that I am in currently, the same situation I’ve been in for a few years now, many years now, I will not be satisfied.

So here I have to focus more on experiencing life, not stagnating, on creating and embracing new moments and change, not holding on to the past, and in a way I have to get in touch with the things I actually like and enjoy, instead of holding on to only the IDEA of what I like and enjoy, and going "ok I need a ton of money to make that happen and I need so much money that when I pay for these things I will still have not lost money when I’m done and will have the same amount of money when I’m done” I mean, that is silly, because ‘nothing is free in life’ as they say - you have to be able to get in order to give.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to go into a bubble where I hold on to what I have and kind of ‘rest on my laurels/stash’ and try to give up as little of it as possible while protecting my bubble wherein I can remain out of touch with reality, entertaining myself and making myself feel good while nothing changes in my reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist change and going into new experiences

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist giving anything up - specifically, my time, attention and money - as it is impossible to receive without giving, and that within giving up something, there will always be a change because something has been given up and it is only possible to change by giving up something, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that by resisting to give up/give away anything, then I am in fact resisting change and resisting difference/making a difference, and not allowing myself to create opportunities for myself and have new experiences

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist having new experiences

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that there must be new input in order to have new output, and that by resisting have new input into myself I am resisting change because without giving up the time and attention to have new input, I am not allowing myself to have new out put as change

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when I hold onto things, like the past, or holding on to money within the fear of loss, that I am actually creating a tension within myself because within myself I know I am resisting change/making a difference which creates a a tension within myself as the fear of the future as the knowingness that I am not walking self change as the process of letting go

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to ‘invest in myself’ by giving unconditionally that which is required for self change as this is the true path to ‘self enrichment’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define self-enrichment and being rich as maximizing profit and holding on to one to try to make more money/profit

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that there is no point in having money unless it is being used in a way that supports self to live to their fullest potential and in this way, actually enjoy money and utilize it to my best benefit as money was meant to be moved like currency - not hoarded

I commit myself to allow myself to let go of that which I believe I must hold on to as my past

I commit myself to live within the realization and understanding that one must be able to give in order to receive and allow for change to be possible

I commit myself to live the realization that giving up is the key to change and that change is the key to life, living and enjoyment

I commit myself to not create an insulated bubble for myself where I can rest on my laurels and never give up my time, attention or money and try and attempt to simply stay in this bubble of not allowing myself to give up, change and embrace new experiences, as I see realize and understand that the key to changing, living and enjoying myself is to give up - whether that be giving up time, attention or money

I commit myself to ensure to give myself new input, whether that be through reading, studying, listening to interviews, lasting in communicating - as no new output impossible without new input, and that the key to self change and assisting and supporting myself in this process of self change is to live the point of giving myself input so that I make make a difference in myself and have new output that is actually a point of creation and not simply repeating the same stuff/patterns