Conflicted -Or, To Savor the Moment of Truth
It is with great effort that I have reached this point in life without losing sanity. Through diligence, vigilance and finally release, I have managed to tame this essence that exists within. How we define that which doesn't exist, just doesn't matter. Yet, here goes...
While some would say 'that's crazy' (for various reasons), I reply 'that's right'. For I know what they don't know, that is, they see life through a lens. Or, better and closer to the truth, they exist and conform to the world at large, through the action of billions of tiny, self regulating, electro-chemical impulses. Impulses that are constantly changing and in control and define their destiny, whether they like it or not.
What though, is this 'mirage of an essence' called self? A question of profound possibilities, discussed and debated by many throughout the centuries. To me though, from my own experience, there is no self. At least no self that can be found and then defined. This is the key to the 'taming'. It's possible to call this thing 'I' and 'self' and so on. When we get right down to it though, really contemplate it, the self is simply generated by the mind in all its complexities. This may take a long time to conclude.
The mind too, is generally untamed, like a fish out of water, gasping for air, flopping about -not of a lot of use. Sure, we go through the motions, exist as a body exists, doing the things it needs to do. For a while, anyway. Yet, eventually a myriad of feelings, emotions, cravings and attachments arise making the simple, well... confusing!
One could even say, to the release, the letting go, of this idea of self that a conglomeration of aspects, both mental and physical, is the 'self' and say, 'that's me' or 'I'. On closer examination though, this does not stand on its own, this idea of a fixed and clear self, with any substance. If one were to do this, it would be better to call it a program that's always changing itself, some for better and some for worse, to keep the physicality going. Or, just call it a conglomeration of 'selves'.
Why? We have grey matter in our skull that is the result of evolution. The forebrain, the midbrain and the hindbrain together comprise our 'main-frame'. They all work together, yet are independent. These three parts control everything you do, from automatic functions of breathing, digestion, heart-rate, coordination, balance, to thinking, feeling, problem solving and more. Any way you view this aspect of your 'being', untamed, this not-so-straightforward beast can become quite conflicted.
Through my daily meditation and contemplation practice I see clearly that there is a body and within that body is a mind. It is clear that this mind is generated from the billions of neurons that reside within my skull. These electro-chemical neurons interact and form 'circuits'. These circuits become what would be known as the 'self'. Yet the self they really are not.
I am a mind-body entity. Any self I believe this mind-body entity to be, is self-imposed. For some of us this is a torturous condition. For others, mostly harmless. Upon release of this belief of a formed, rigid self, or any self at all, goes a lot of baggage with it. If in doubt, give it a try, even for a moment. In its place a natural peace, calm, joy, understanding, compassion, and pose arise. It feels good. As well, at this point, is where the true miracles begin!