A wee dose of reality

Before I begin I should point out that this is written partly with my tongue in my cheek and with a distinctly Scottish lexicon, if you are easily offended piss off now :)

What the flying fuck is going on with people these days? Seriously, when it comes to bringing up children we have become totally fucked up in our viewpoints and understanding. I feel compelled to dispel a couple of myths and make those of us who live our lives with our feet firmly on the ground feel a little better out ourselves.

As a parent....
Nothing, absolutely nothing, makes my already short temper flare up quicker than some "Earth Mother" type of twat, telling me that her opinion is somehow greater because she got herself knocked up behind a dumpster outside a nightclub, shat a snotty nosed brat into the World and now is blessed with some kind of Gaia wisdom. Sorry darling but it is simply not true. If the path to wisdom and knowledge was gained through the acts of procreation then Ron Jeremy would be the next sure-fire winner of the Nobel prize for science.

I've seen plenty of these kids at parties, they come supplied with ill-fitting vaguely ethnic clothing (despite father being a CPA or some such), a "special" party box filled with quinoa seed crackers, organic fruit segments and a list of instructions as long as your arm. As long as the poor little bastards don't actually have allergies I let the fuckers run riot with the rest of the kids. There is nothing quite like the rosy glow of appreciation that a wee sprat (who has suffered granola and almond milk as soon as they could eat) scoffing down a mini-burger, can show you. I will ceremoniously empty the box into the bin and wink at the kid - we agree to collude to deceive. They pick up on it really fast, which leads me to the next point...

Honesty is the best policy
Holy fuckballs what utter garbage. There is nowhere in nature that honesty exists, it is simply an unnatural state. Lies and deceit are the tools that every creature on the planet employs to survive and thrive. Puffer fish lie about their diminutive size by making themselves bigger than they actually are. Tigers are patterned to look like grasses so they can leap out and eat you. Politicians dress and act like human beings so they can walk amongst us without receiving the revulsion they deserve.

Similarly with children it is important to teach them, from an early age, the skills they require to navigate through life with a modicum of success. An honest person is screwed from day one - they simply cannot survive in the modern age, why do we then insist that our children are under equipped? So, with earnest endeavour, teach your children how to lie - properly, repeatably and safely.

Start simple, with things like "Thank you Grandma for the Hannah Montana sweatshirt!" (which you know full well will be in a charity shop the next day) and work from there. Now, it is worth bearing in mind that Grandma herself is no stranger to life and is testing your parenting skills to ensure that you are teaching your child to lie properly. If the child is honest, "Grandma, Hannah Montana is out of date and I hate it!", she will be upset, not about the gift but about your inability as a parent to teach your child how to lie properly.

If you ask Grandma directly about this she will demonstrate how it should be done by denying all knowledge about the teaching of lies, will use distraction and point out your married partner is a bad influence and finally will pretend to stop speaking to you for a few days. Top notch, quality lies there! Don't pretend this is not true, you know it is and you almost certainly agree with me.

Your own versus others
Your kids are a fucking nightmare. Mine certainly are. I know that other people think my kids are polite and kind, but that's because they have not spent two decades living with the shitbags. They have progressively destroyed my house, raided by bank balance, removed any traces of dignity from me and in the process been ungrateful, miserable, destructive little bastards in return. Happily this is normal, you can feel better about yourself. I am sure that towards me your kids are lovely, they would not dare be disrespectful or boorish; but towards you I am certain there are times when you would consider a deep hole in a dark forest to be a suitable location for them.

Never forget that they have destroyed your body, turned your chuff into Gandalf's sleeve, knocked your tits into submission (so much so you have considered getting your nipples pierced and running a chain round the back of your neck to hold 'em up) and caused you embarrassment in the most debilitating way. Again, don't worry, it is normal, brothers and sisters I have been there. Never forget that your kids really do not give a shit about you unless they need something.

Conclusion
I've been to innumerate events with herds of children thundering about. I know the facial expression when I go round the back of the building and hand a burnt-out mum a large glass of wine and a spliff. I know that expression says "Wow, you get it, I don't need to pretend any more, I don't need to put on a veneer of success and a plastic smile". Some cry, some laugh, some just grunt, but to a woman they drink the wine and smoke like they are back in college.

It is a fun journey, but every one of these cunts that extols the virtues of organic quinoa burgers and holistic medicine free parenting are taking the piss. They are trying to make you feel slightly inadequate, trying to play some kind of one-upmanship over you - fuck 'em, you are doing fine, they are the ones with the problem.

Peace, love and don't let the little bastards get you down!