Being Raw and Honest for Self-Preservation and the Life of the Sensitive

We live in a world where a face or a set personality that is not necessarily our honest personality with truly honest reactions is needed in order to function effectively.

This is largely due to the highly defensive mode society has us in, in order to communicate with others as though in a constant competitive game.

This face-game is revealed in a very obvious form when we avoid this or that person on the street trying to sell us something or beg from us or even steal from us.

This fear of the 'dark absolute' of this game keeps our defenses high and as a result we walk around wearing a face which is not their truly honest self. This is a blatant example, but subtle faces are also worn to deal with disagreeable social situations or even in 'friendly' social situations to hide insecurity.

In general, faces are worn for fear of acceptance. Most people don't understand why other's don't understand them because they aren't honest with themselves to know themselves first. For many this is a scary thing, to face and really know the self. So faces are worn as defensive barriers, not only against others (in defensive or friendly situations) but as a defense against the self discovering more about the self.

This is the norm. Society caters to social insecurities for the sake of making a 'safe' reality. Safe but lifeless. Societal conditioning has us in a cushioned box never desiring to leave our comfort zone and never knowing it to be an option. Conditioning are the habits and repetitions that have become our identity from childhood.

What has become now is that for many these faces have been worn for a very long time or passed on through generations to their children as a defined structure of how to deal with 'reality'. Many have forgotten they are even wearing a face.

When I go deep into grounding myself in different meditations and explore myself in the purely honest self of what I feel myself as I am in my body, I discover that I make many reactions that are not honest to myself and these reactions take up unnecessary energy.

As a result I slowly cut out certain reactions and habits of conversation and ways of being with people because I strive to be as honest as I can be, mainly for the sake of self-preservation and to feel good about myself for myself.

This is possible because I do not currently rely on maintaining a face to maintain a position in a job. Being a street musician means I only need to be smiling unnecessarily or reflecting people's emotions when I am playing music or only in situations where it is necessary to do so.

Then there are times when I am forced to be in the presence of other people without my consent and I have three options:

• Reflect their face back to them, which gives them the illusion that I have known them before and use up energy to do this (before becoming aware of it, this is what happened automatically)
• Be a version of myself with a very polite nature and use less energy.
• Be myself.

Who I am is a very raw person. Underneath all the layers, I have discovered that I am quite direct and raw with no need of bullshit.

When I really honestly focus on giving myself the space to react and be honest with people, the first time I tried this, I freaked people out. It can be hard to do this without expressing anger or being perceived as being angry.

Over time and especially now, I am slowly learning to give a truly honest reaction whilst deflecting energy in things I perceive as fake and choosing not to participate in a social setting without causing offence.

This is an art it seems and will require further study.

For now, if I have the energy I can wear a face, but when I really want to keep this energy, and use it for more productive things (like preparing music recording at the moment) - well, I'm learning to do this more effectively and without offence.

"Hello, where are you from?"

"Excuse me, I don't honestly have the energy for conversation at the moment, I just need to be in my own space."

Then I give a straight face - no further reactions - maybe a light smile and a continue as though what I'm doing is completely normal.

Try it sometime, maybe you'll feel better for yourself.

Finding that group of people we can be unconditionally honest with, with everything in our lives is a necessary piece of complete living. Even then, there are times when we all need alone time.

Another branch of exploration of this topic is removing the idea that energy is scarce and replace it with the idea that energy is abundant. This is certainly true at times, but I need to deal with myself most importantly when I am at the bottom of the barrel. I have discovered about myself that I am a mimic, I naturally accomodate other people's behaviours and temporarily take on their repressions involuntarily. A sucking thing can come and suck me up because this is their habit to use up this energy like this and this requires a direct and honest response by me to put an immediate boundary on the energy outflow.

An open door that cannot be closed

At times my emotional body directly connects with people around me without my conscious consent. It is important for me to recognise this and put a friendly block up as soon as possible. Otherwise, I literally get used up like a battery. A natural reaction when this happens is to get angry and an angry reaction has me put in the box, "He has a problem." This, I have learned from experience, is one way how energetically I can take on a repression of another person. Most times this happens on an unconscious level. If I react to what I feel and see that another does not feel and see because they are unconsious of their own energy body, then it is me that has the problem. It has taken me a long time to develop the necessary focus and skills to deal with this effectively.

I have accepted that I am not like other people, and since I have stopped treating myself as such, I have reduced the amount of pain I cause myself in trying to be like other people. For whatever reason, many people have well functioning emotional bodies that do not automatically give more energy than their limit; automatically cutting off and retaining the energy they need for survival. I am not and have never been one of these people. So I have to treat myself differently to others in order to function in the same way as others in the same world as others. We are all expected to act the same in this world, but we are not the same. The glossy veneer might be the same but what it takes to maintain that veneer is very different for many people and sometimes it can be a lot more hard work than the average 'normal' person is putting in. And so, as the sensitive, it must be our goal to maintain conscious awareness so that when these involuntary connections of our emotional bodies happen we can spot them and deal with it effectively to then function 'normally' with other people. We can maintain conscious awareness by developing consistent focus on our breath and on the feelings in our bodies; constantly grounding ourselves. From the starting point of breath we can see through these situations from the grounded-and-clear-self level.

As I grow older, I am becoming more sensitive. This topic needs defining and it needs my attention. I see I am not the only one with this particular energetic body type and it takes a lot to speak up. One reason it takes courage is because for a long time it has been labelled mental illness.

Sensitive people are unwilling shamans that take on the repressions of those around them and without a person's conscious consent. In another sense, we are the unwilling arseholes that shit the necessary dumps from the collective emotional body. As a sensitive, it is important to develop the systems within the self to:

• recognise what is happening (as immediately as possible)
• to put a block to any abuse (whether it is happening consciously or subconsciously by the abuser)
• maintain our energetic independence (keeping the energy we need for ourselves)
• and to deal with repressions effectively

It is not all bad. We are healers. But when it is not our implicit choice to walk this path, it can take a while before an individual chooses it willingly. Once we consciously choose this path we happen to have fallen into, then it is easier to learn the ropes. Until then, everything is a reaction and we only learn to cope through lessons that life experience teaches us with pain. Many sensitive types deny this path within them and resort to bandaiding their sensitivity with large psychological defenses constantly. This takes an enourmous amount of energy to maintain over long periods of time and can drive anyone insane. As a sensitive, it is our role to make humanity more aware of their repressions and how to deal with them. In the ideal world, everybody is self responsible and aware of their emotional bodies.

There is an aspect in every person that is sensitive but for some persons our energy body is like an open door that cannot be closed. For this, we must find a remedy and in this, we are alone.

The tallest trees catch the most wind.

It is not to say we cannot assist each other with little tidbits along the way. But our process is a solitary one as these issues must be faced alone and the necessary systems for dealing with social situations without blocking out our heart must be constructed alone.

In love,

Monty xx

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For an effective technique for releasing repression through writing goto: Automatic Writing

This article is a continuation of the concept of the game of faces, previous articles in this theme can be found here:
Judgement of the Face
An Empath's Perspective

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