What to say to kids instead of "Be Careful!"
My two young children are currently at a very impressionable age and I find myself saying "no" and "be careful" many times a day as they discover the world around them. While these words may be helpful in keeping them out of danger they are ultimately disempowering and if we just push a little harder to expand beyond them, our children will regain their power with a deeper understanding of the situation.
We feel what we think
To best help them we must shift the focus from what they think they can’t do to what they can do. By enabling them to see situations from different angles, getting them to focus on the less negative outcomes or conclusions we are changing the feeling with which they approach obstacles in life.
Solutions not problems
By focusing consistently on the solution to whatever situations we find ourselves in we are training our minds. It is the same for children as it is for adults. Focus enough on problem solving and in the end there are no more problems, just things to be getting on with.
Backwoods Mama
Searching for more information on this I came across a lovely looking lady on Facebook by the name of Backwoods Mama. Her Facebook page looks rich with parenting wisdom and outside the box thinking. It was here that I found the following words...
LOVE THIS!!!
Esteban is still a little young to understand all of these words but it won't hurt to start practicing this immediately.
I am confident it will change the energy of our exchanges and the feeling he is left with.
Whether it has the desired effect is yet to be seen.
Will let you know how this goes!
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as a mama of 3 girls age 8,5 and 10 months I have had my fair share of moments, where in I have watched with my heart in my mouth. One of the hardest things can be to trust that your children can figure out things for themselves, I did interfere alot with my first, but their father was always saying to let her be, to take a step back which eventually I did and well there were a few tumbles but she got very good at figuring out things for herself. So with my last two I am near by and will only intervene if necessary. Kids are very clever and smart especially if we allow them and give them the space to show us. I have been taught great lessons in staying calm by my girls and trusting their amazing abilities from when they become mobile. It's not always easy to watch. My 10 month old loves to climb and will climb up onto furniture, I let her, I just make sure I am right next to her and that is all. Trusting our children is such a gift.
They certainly offer the chance to improve our ability to stay calm! On a few occasions I have been surprised by the feelings which came up when I was tired and Esteban wouldn't sleep for hours.
Sounds like we have a similar story. Sabrina is much more protective than I. To me it seems as if her enjoyment of life is compromised by her constant danger analysis of each situation. And I've noticed a few times now that when the focus of attention is on the not happening... guess what happens!
My biggest hill to climb is not so much with the children but with my understanding of Sabrina's words and actions.
It sure is a journey of self discovery. For all of us.
Definitely when we become parents it is like we are relearning ourselves, it brings up so many different feelings and reactions that we otherwise wouldn't have experienced, it is like our personalities are placed in the spot light. But it is all good learning as our children are our best teachers, they just let things happen and be in flow.
I have read this from her FB before and I agree that this is really out of the box @samstonehill. This changed my perspective on things, though I admit I falter at times. Parenting brings out the best and worst in us.
You are 100% right about that. The best and the worst! And I think it teaches us so much about ourselves if we are willing to learn :)
Mate, love this share and backwoods mama. We've been finding that whenever we place resistance our little man pushes harder (and sometimes too hard) to find his own boundaries. When we simply be by his side, similar to the suggestions here.. well firstly it's fun and he seems to enjoy himself more patiently and relaxed too. Also we get gooey at how intuitive he can be when we leave it up to him. It gives him the opportunity to ask us for help when he wants, with his little grunts or a gestures and the back and forth is something we're really enjoying. Especially since he's so into all his climbing and balancing stunts lol!
What a ride though eh bro? So funny it's as challenging catching our words as it is our little explorers. Have you read much on NVC? It's my big challenge right now since when I do use my NO and it's fairly often, he definitely stops in his tracks. Thing is I'm now working on my tone, I've noticed I often come off pretty strong which he listens to but it's a thin line between intimidating him and of course fears form roots and relationships. Not all ways positive as we all know.
Anyway great post bro, you might enjoy reading into the NVC stuf too bro, kinda goes with with solutions over problems thing. I'm not with it 100%, though I've taken on some good tips and advice.
Love to your tribe 💗💗💗
Beautiful words as always bro. It sure is an awesome ride of inner and outer discovery.
I am also working on the tone. Though rather than saying no I am saying his name. Three syllables is enough for him to get the feeling behind it. Not gonna say it works however! He doesn't seem to care what we want. I assume because he can't yet fully understand the 'why' behind our actions.
In time he will... :)
Right on! Oh I can hear you now.. Essss.. teee.. ban LOL We do the same with Kai, it's sounding more and more like a long whhhhy? Haha these lil dudes are so much fun! 🙉
I am definitely a mama who says "be careful!" a lot. With two boys, one being a 4 year old daredevil, I am constantly saying it without thinking. I love the list you provided though. It's much better in the long run, to help our kids become aware of dangers rather than just trying to avoid them.
Don't worry! me too. It's tough to avoid saying no. I've been trying it for the last few days since writing this!
Great advice I need to do the same it's too easy to say 'no' and I totally agree it will make them encounter life with a different attitude! I'm in the UK, wanted to say well done for taking such brave steps with your journey I'm inspired! Where do you sleep?
Currently staying with friends in the South of France where we are setting up a more permanent base to which we can return between international adventures. We will be heading to the UK after this to check in with my mum and old buddies.
And I would like to organise some Steemit meet ups while I am there!
The words/phrases Backwoods Mama suggest are empowering ~ could have done with reading this 23 years ago!
Like you I used to tell my son to be careful and even went a little further ~ I used to tell him before doing anything to assess the risk factors and consider if the action justified the risk; and only then, if comfortable with his analysis, proceed!
It kinda worked as it kept him fairly safe.
Only maybe it hobbled him somewhat? ~ feel a chat with him coming on...
:)
Be careful.
And happy.
xox
We can only do our best in any given moment. And there is no such thing as perfect!
Like you I have fallen for his one so many time. But with awareness now, I can address this :)
That's great suggestion, but I didn't experience this yet, So, In future I'll apply all these ways.
I would suggest you to read 'The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People' by Stephen R. Covey. I'm not asking about reading the whole book, just first few pages where you'll find few great lessons for how he managed to learn about empowering his child and strengthening his confidence. :)
Thanks very much for this info. I will check it out!
Pleasure mine.
Very useful, especially the suggestions from Backwoods Mama. Great reading for every new parent (and especially the grandparents, I've found.)
haha! You're not wrong there about the grandparents! Going through exactly that now with Sabrina's mum ;)
Very strong contribution !!! I think the approach of you is very exemplary. I just think in the language you should also pay attention to its focus. For example, one should rather say to a child, "hold on tight," rather than "do not fall down." It also has something to do with creating reality. :) Greeting Montaquila
Thank you for your thoughts. Agreed it is all about the way we speak to them. Sounds simple enough but takes a bit of practice to achieve!
Huhu, i don't even have kids but if I do I would definitely keep these things in mind.
I hope one day I can live on just Steem like you and your family. :)
It only took me a year to get to the point where I was living off it so I am sure you can achieve this too with some hard work and focus of intention ;)
Oh i see. Alright. Thanks!