Dealing With Arguments
Do you argue often?
When we get into an argument, the ego creates a positionality. This positionality acts as a sort of computer virus in the mind. It begins consuming vast resources and causes other logical structures shut down. The mind locks in on one perceptual position, a.k.a. "I'm right and you need to see it the same way as me." This is incredibly difficult to overcome, especially in the moment when feelings are elevated.
When you notice your feelings are high, this is the perfect time to step away from the conversation, separate yourself from the situation, and go meditate in silence.
In meditation, your mind is going to want to focus on the position. Meaning the content of why you think you're correct. It takes a large amount of focus and surrender to instead concentrate on the big picture. Get your mind to create a concept of the entire positionality it is trying to defend. Instead of listening to the content, connect into the feelings behind the content. Simply use the words to connect deeper with the feelings/emotions. Feel these emotions in your body and in your mind. Each time the mind tries to focus on the content, continually shift the focus to the emotion behind the thoughts.
With work, you can release the emotional pressure creating the positionality. Just as you can do with beliefs, you can shift positionalities and arguments into a higher emotional range. I recommend shifting them into at least neutrality. If the argument is with your significant other or family member, you probably want to shift it all the way into love.
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Once well practiced at this, one could then suspend their own beliefs to understand the others position without detriment to their own convictions. I often have used my communication and psychology knowledge to navigate tricky debates with my husband and other family members. Human discourse is so fascinating to me. Thanks for the share!
Thanks for reading!
Well said! Have you ever heard of the book non-violent communication?
They speak much of their approach to the content of our conversations and how we should not let it control our mind.
Instead they suggest that we focus our attention on the need behind the content.
For instance, ultiamtely do things because we are trying to get our needs met.
We aren't terrible people if we've done something that upsets or hurts another because most often, this was never the intent.
We intended to get our needs met and through that, a conflict arose.
And thus, sometimes it helps to shift your mind to that place, especially when you're in conflict with another.
Asking yourself, "in what way was this person trying to get their needs met?" is a good place to start.
This seems to detach you from the conversation at hand and take a meta-perspective to it.
And when we take an elevated perspective to it, it often reduces the emotion that we associate with it, thus allowing us to see things more objectively.
Anyways, thought I would share that as it reminded me of something similar to what you were describing.
Thanks for sharing @theprism!
By the way I created a really fun post today. I'd love to hear your thoughts about it! 10 Highly Influential Things I Do Every Single Day [Part 2]
I have not read the book but I would definitely agree with what you've shared. Thank you and thanks for reading! I'll take a look at your post.
'When you notice your feelings are high, this is the perfect time to step away from the conversation, separate yourself from the situation, and go meditate in silence.'
In my experience, this is the hard part. Even if you are willing, the other party might not want to let you go. People get very upset when you start to change your behaviour and no longer hold up your end of the familiar exchange.
I would agree that there are some situations that maybe you can't immediately walk away from. If that's the case, even deep breathing can help. If changing your behavior to better yourself upsets them, it is not your worry. But if you must stay and fight it out until it's "over" I suggest to meditate as soon as you find the time to. Otherwise you might just let the argument consume you.
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How come you're not boosting?
Please @theprism make at least one page posts to be upvoted.