Thoughts are happening - why am I not aware of them?

Throughout my day, plenty of thoughts come up, but I tend to not really allow myself to become aware of them. I tend to notice it mostly only when I try to get down to working on something, which requires my full attention - to be empty so that I can actually take in what is here right in front of me - then I see how much my thoughts interfere, to the point where it becomes difficult to get through even just a few minutes of something, like watching a video or reading an article. It becomes frustrating and it is surprising, because there are times where I am able to find/create a space where I can sufficiently take things in, but that is almost like what I could call a ‘survival’ space, where it is only when I absolutely MUST, because I recognize that something is completely imperative to my survival, then I will listen.

But obviously there is much more to life and living than surviving, and a deeper question I ask myself is, what good is it to add new information that is useful to your survival when your foundation is not sound? What are you building these new laters of understanding on top of? So, some foundational work is needed, and this is where I have to challenge myself to be diligent so that I can get a grip on myself as my thoughts, sufficiently that I can really dig deep, and be absolutely certain that what I am accessing is in fact the deeper layers of me, and not just something I am projecting/looking for as like a vague idea of a problem within me, but unspecific and floaty.

The main problem I am seeing here is that while it may be a difficult/challenging process to start becoming so aware of my thoughts in the moment that I am having them (because I’m out of practice) that it is not only entirely possible to do it, but I actually have the tools - so this is more a matter of self belief and self honesty than a question of ‘how hard is this/is this possible or not?’ - the impossible is only what I create - I’M POSSIBLE, and by virtue of anything being possible, so too can we humans create the illusion of the impossible.

One specific tool I know I can employ but have not been diligent about is to use a small notepad - or even my phone, because it’s 2019 now lol - to take note of the thoughts as they come up, in the moment. The cool thing about this practice is it allows me to get a grip on my thoughts so they don’t possess me, and also within doing over and over, I can begin to see how my thoughts circulate in a cyclical pattern.

I’m also fortunate enough to have the support of a parter who can speak and understand my language - the language of equality, self honesty and self forgiveness - so I also have the option of living out loud, if I would be so bold as to DARE to live out loud, allow myself to be vulnerable, and let go of the fear of someone not understanding or having some experience where I have to explain myself or feel embarrassment or something like that.

So the opportunity is HERE, it is simply me who has to access it and live it.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to fully create and access the tools and spaces that can be utilized to support me in my process to look at my thoughts/who I am as the mind and get to know it sufficiently that I can ensure that I am in fact dealing with the actual mind/thoughts that are coming up in real time, and enable myself to correct such thought patterns and become the directive principle of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not practice discipline and diligence in utilizing the tools available to understand and stop the mind because it takes effort and can be difficult or uncomfortable or foreign at first, and that I’ve allowed this point of fearing the unknown or having to be in uncomfortable and new experiences to prevent myself from giving myself the actual support and attention that is required as an act of self love as self honesty

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing and expressing anything of the mind that I or others could interpret as being some kind of weakness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate showing emotions and feelings with the word weakness, within the belief that it is somehow strong or superior to never admit, show or come face to face with emotions.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions and to try to do anything to not have to be aware of them, admit them to myself and face them, take responsibility for them and correct myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to coax myself into not looking at my mind because of a feeling of embarrassment or like I’m doing something wrong/going somewhere I shouldn’t go

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing anger or resentment or dissatisfaction or disappointment because of a feeling of morality that it is wrong to do that, when in fact there is nothing wrong with allowing myself to become intimate with such emotions and face them with self honesty and the readiness to implement corrections and solutions, and rather it is the self deception of suppressing these motions that I actually am fearing by using morality to not have to admit what I’m experiencing or face it.

I commit myself to use the tools available to me such as writing in the moment, sounding self forgiveness within myself in the moment, or speaking out loud in the moment to be able to identify and articulate that which I am experiencing as thoughts, feelings and emotions

I commit myself to identify every point of energetic movement that comes up within myself as thoughts, feelings to emotions and to face and investigate all inner movements that are not made by me with diligence until there are no more inner movements not made by me

I commit myself to stop using the belief that it is weak to show/admit/face emotions as a way of suppressing myself in not looking at my own mind

I commit myself to allow myself to be vulnerable with myself in unconditionally facing and opening up the points that come up within me as thoughts, feelings and emotions, without hesitation and excuse

I commit myself to live the proof to myself that it is not a weakness to come face to face with my inner world but in fact it is the greatest act of courage and triumph to face myself fully and unconditionally

I commit myself to stop the tendency to suppress my thoughts, feelings and emotions by distracting myself with other things that only serve to entertain for the sake if distracting me from my inner world

I commit myself to give myself the permission to face myself unconditionally by always allowing myself to face myself and my mind with the willingness to be understanding, self honest and self forgiving, as there is nothing I cannot face within myself/the mind when I apply the tools of self honesty and self forgiveness