On Becoming A Father
Today, my wife is starting her 35th week of pregnancy, that means that I will be a father within a month or so. Being a father is a mystery to me but I figured that I would share my thoughts on this blog and who knows...maybe my baby girl will get to read this one day?
First and foremost, I don't want to be the guy who dispenses and spews out my opinions on fatherhood before actually being one. But I'm the type of geeky guy who researches everything related to developmental psychology so that's the flavor this article is going to take. So please indulge me and make sure to leave your comments below if you agree or disagree.
A Good Example To Follow...
Even though I have no clue how to become a father on a day to day basis, I have to find solace in the fact that I had a really good father. Not perfect of course, but a really good one with who I have a really good relationship with. That's more than what a lot of people have from what I've gathered.
He is patient, tolerant to a fault, intellectually curious and deeply caring. It sure isn't easy to have those qualities when you have six kids!
About a year ago, I came across this interesting info-graphic...since then, I've realized how important fathers are.
If anything, now that I will have a special relationship with a child, a relationship that pretty much starts from the ground up...I feel like I should become more than the man that I am. That all that I will do and say will have a direct impact on my child's life. Am I crazy to think this or have you had that same realization?
Strong Parents = Strong Family
We cannot underestimate how much the relationship between the couple will impact the life of the child. I think that sometimes for parents, it can be tempting to put the kid above everything in life...even the couple itself.
I'm of the belief that to have a strong family, you have to have a strong couple at it's core. I'm infinitely blessed by having such a wonderful wife and I have 100% confidence that she will be a wonderful mom. But I think it will be important to me to not ONLY see her as a mom, but my lover...even in the midst of the craziness happening while the toddler is roaming around.
If you have tips and tricks about how to keep the flame alive during that time, please let me know since I know that a lot of guys get complacent or have a hard time with that.
Also, what is very important for me and my wife is the role of our extended family. I don't think we should underestimate how strong uncles and aunts can be powerful to shape the character of our kids.
Keeping Her Away From Lousy Men
Here is a fact...for my baby girl, I will be the most important men in her life until she reach the age of choosing a partner. I stumbled upon an interesting article in the Telegraph about how our fathers influence the partners we choose that made me think of how important the relationship between father and daughter can be.
Dr Linda Nielsen – psychology professor at Wake Forest University in North Carolina, and author of Between Fathers and Daughters – agrees that the dynamic of this fundamental relationship reverberates throughout women’s lives. “Women who grow up with meaningful, comfortable, conversational relationships with their dads make better choices in who they date and marry,” she says. “If you have a good relationship with your dad, then you’re not desperate for male approval: you’ve already got it. If you’re used to being well-treated by your father, and you don’t have to be perfect for him to love you, that’s what you’ll expect from other men.”
I don't know for you but that makes complete sense to me. After all, the person you decide to spend your life with will have a HUGE impact. It will define the majority of your life on so many levels. Choosing well and choosing carefully is not an easy task. I hope that through her relationship, I can help her look for the right things in a man.
Conclusion
Even though I feel like I'm talking through my hat since I've never lived the experience of being a father, I nevertheless take this role very seriously. If any of you are willing to share your experience, thoughts and feelings, please let me know in the comment below. I'm looking forward to read.
This had me thinking . My sons father was in Pakistan and just came back with me 2 weeks ago. My son is now 7 months , his father saw him when he was 6.5 months for the first time . Before that I used to do everything on my own , financially , mentally and physically and it was tough now he has joined us and it feels different. I mean I can say that I can extra help now , but I found some stuff out about him which totally destroyed our relationship now . I pray that all goes well for your wife
<3 <3 <3
Beautiful and brilliant post. I am super passionate about this and it delights my heart to see other dads (and dads-to-be) taking this role seriously. I have five kids myself and four of them are girls. From what I can see here, you're going to do an awesome job.
That's fantastic and is unfortunately pretty rare.
Spot on. Great insight. It is hard to do, and the are a lot of changes are a lot of changes to the dynamic that are appropriate, but there has to still be space for the couple to flourish.
There are a couple of things that I picked up that you may find helpful (you may also already know these things).
First, children are full humans. I know, this is pretty obvious to just about everyone. But our actions and interactions do not always reflect this truth. Kids have the ability for the full spectrum of human experience baked right into them. They are autonomous. How you parent really does matter, but these little humans will chart their own courses. From the get go, they deserve the same level of dignity and respect. That means her body is hers. Her emotions are hers. This empowers them to make decisions and your instruction and life will help guide them, rather than dictate.
Second, our goal is not perfection. And I can see that you understand that. Our first goal should be to do the absolute best that we can with what we have. Our second goal is to give them the tools to heal from our mistakes. That means owning your shit when come up short, because you will. Modeling what it looks like to take responsibility and validating their perspective on the situation. Give them the power to forgive when they are ready to forgive and provide them with other solid adults that they can process with--you mentioned aunts and uncles and I think that is perfect. They should feel safe to complain about mom and dad.
Third, and perhaps the most important, do the work to heal from your own wounds. A really fantastic book that my wife and I have read is called Parenting From The Inside Out (also really enjoy The Whole-Brained Child by the same author, Dr. Siegel). It takes the scope of most parenting books and turns it on its head. The problem that the book addresses is the reality that so many people are trying to figure out how to parent, but are building on somewhat dysfunctional foundations that need some repair. It sounds like you had a great upbringing, and that is fantastic. Even still, your parents were imperfect and there may be some pieces that need to be examined. It is not an innovation to a pity-party or an exercise in shaming your parents. Simply, it is taking the good things you got from them and moving the needle a little closer to ideal.
Phew, this might be my longest comment to date and should probably get put into a post, haha. Anyway, thanks for opening up the discussion and cheers to you, your wife, and your daughter.
This was money, I'll upvote when steemit lets me
Great post, very thoughtful and full of insight. You will be a good father because you had good a good father and you want to be one. The best parenting advice I ever got has to be tucked away for your nearer than you think future. "When they become preteen and teenagers they want you the least but need you the most"
Of course when you hold that sweet baby and spend years cuddling, laughing, and full of so much joy well its hard to believe that little thing will someday hurt your feelings and not want you around. Just hold on tight because they come back around!
Interesting thoughts, and congrats on the future baby! :)
There are few things simultaneously as frightening and as exciting as thinking about being a father. I'm probably still a couple years away from where you are, but I can totally relate to what you said about becoming more of a man than you are now. I definitely don't feel as mature, or wise, or patient as I remember my father being when I was young, and that's really intimidating. That said, I think there are a lot of things about parenting that just need to be learned through experience and it's good to remember that fathers continue to grow and learn as their children do the same.
Anyways, super excited for you and glad you're thinking carefully about what it means to be a father!
It's crazy reading you because like you must know from previous posts, your wife and I are exactly on the same week of pregnancy! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and I wish you, your wife and your little love-bun-on-the-way many moments of love. Btw, I will share this post with my fiancee, I think he will appreciate it. I recommend Babywise the book, the bible for baby sleep! My fiancee is reading it on his Kindle and taking notes!
Oh wow! Thanks for the suggestion. Baby girl or baby boy?
Baby boy! :D
Congratulations! Not only on the birth of your little one, but also for the seriousness with which you're taking this! :D Five months from now, when you can't remember what a good night's sleep feels like, please come back and read what you just posted. Yes, we have our "pie in the sky" philosophies, but they're good to cling to when the practical realities make us lose sight of the goal. And from a parents' perspective, I don't think you'll regret any of the thoughts you've noted here.
Sometimes I think my husband would've enjoyed having the usual prep time that most fathers do. He had to jump into the deep end when we adopted twins. But as tough as it's been, he's done a great job.
Keeping the flame alive is a challenge. Every wife has different needs. For me, it's the reminder that my husband loves me for more than being a mom. And just like you want your daughter to know that she doesn't have to be perfect for a good man to love her ... your wife needs to know that to. She will probably feel like a failure regularly (no matter how wonderful of a job you think she's doing), so you'll need to remind her that mistakes and all, dinner or no dinner, colicky baby and poopy diaper, she is worthy of your love. She might not believe you when she's still in her pjs, her hair isn't washed, and she forgot to launder your shirts ... but keep telling her ... it'll sink in eventually ;)
As I blog about our journey raising the twins, it's encouraging to find more parents sharing their stories as well. Looking forward to hearing more about your journey as a father!
Thank you so much for this. You are right that I might enjoy reading this in a few months or a few years. :-) I'll keep your tips om keeping the flame alive in my mental bank.
Good luck to you and yours cryptoctopus. I sincerely wish you all the best. Do you know why a man cries when his baby is born? Although I cannot speak for all men, however, in my case it was only partly due to what most people think - overwhelming joy. Mostly, it was due to fear. You see, the very instant my daughter was born, I started to weep uncontrollably with my lower lip quivering and breathing irregularly like I did when I was a child. Before the birth, I didn't think that I would cry. I was prepared to 'take it like a man' so to speak. But it didn't quite work out as planned. For 9 months or so, I knew there was a baby inside my wife but I couldn't see it. Then suddenly, when the baby came out and I saw it for the first time, reality hits you. We men cry because now YOU are now responsible for this living human being that YOU created for the rest of your life! It is YOUR responsibility to protect, nurture, provide for, guide, teach, etc. forever and ever. It was the most frightening and joyful experience I've ever had. Second daughter, no problem, just a few tears of joy, no fear, no doubting if I were capable of this formidable task. Lol! Once again, good luck and all the best!
I just became a father last year. Me and mama knew eachother about two weeks before we got pregnant, and it has been a rough ride at times. I wouldn't say we started as the most compatible people. We've fought, alot.
But we're still working, we're still trying really hard and actually things are going great now. Our daughter is amazing, I love her and really want to be around for her all the time. And our relationship has improved drastically, it's amazing how much work it's taken, but it's also amazing how much it's paying off.
We are teammates, partners and always have eachothers backs, when we reach misunderstandings we talk through them, sometimes after a fight, but we always apologize and do right by our daughter.
Being a father is amazing, you have an opportunity here to both teach and grow. Babies can teach us so much and the amount of love they give is crazy. You're gonna love the experience and I'm sure you'll be a great father.
My advice on fatherhood: Keep learning, they change quick and you need to adapt with them, it's a rollercoaster, but it's not too hard, it just takes work and love.
Let me start by congratulating you. Parenthood is awesome...a major transition in your lifestyle, for sure, but very well worth every sacrifice you are about to make. It sure sounds like you have your head on straight, and that's a major plus for you, your wife, and your daughter.
In today's world, so many new parents have no idea why they are becoming parents, have no priorities for a successful family in place, and as a result will "raise" (or ignore and lose) children who will grow up to negatively impact themselves and everyone around them.
I love your "strong parents = strong families" meme. I would add "Strong morals =" in front of that. I'm sure you already have them, and that's great, but so many young parents, sadly, do not.
May God bless and keep you and give you patience and wisdom as you embark on one of the most important tasks any human being can undertake!
I didn't have my dad in the home, so I can tell you first hand that not having a complete family sucks and it certainly affects the development of the child.
From what I read here you are on the right track to be a wonderful dad, not only because the proper family structure you guys have, but because of the proper mindset you are developing right now.
Informing yourself and learning about all the skills you need to provide a good parenting for your kid is not something that happens overnight. It is very wise what you are doing and I bet everything will turn out great.
Cheers mate.