"Smile" (poem/article) >>> Almost-Announcing "Marg's Homework Poetry Contest"
Recently, I stumbled upon a poem written by a good friend, @girlbeforemirror (Marg). It was an entry in @jassennessaj's Word Poetry Challenge #10 Final. The point of the Challenge was to write a poem off the word-prompt: "Smile."
Marg
Marg and I have been communicating for some number of months and in my 50 years and 57 countries, she is undoubtedly one of the most indomitable human beings I've ever met. Marg has a genetic disorder called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, a bloody nasty condition if there ever was one. Here's one of her posts describing some of the daily delights of the disease. If anyone has the right to be constantly bitching and complaining (a hallmark of present-day culture), it's her. And yet, in spite of it all, she rarely does. Sure, she gets down ... but she gets back up ... making the best of a bad situation.
In addition to possessing near-lunatic levels of stick-with-it-ness, she also possesses several literary skills that are rare, and therefore rarely witnessed.
I've been writing poetic verse for a long time, and in that time, I've learned a few tricks ... ways to manipulate the minds of your audience (how did you think "ART" worked?). I started sharing such deceits and duplicities with the Steemit poetry community several months ago. To no avail.
Poets are notoriously poor listeners ... we're yappers. To a man or woman, we're convinced the world will be obsessed with what we have to say (it isn't) and that we already say it to perfection. Having to earn an audience's attention is something of an after-thought. While Marg possesses plenty of yappiness genes, she also possesses a few for listening.
Marg took my advice, applied it and the results have been ... remarkable. She has gone from being a damsel of doggerel to the belle of the ballad. Her progress has been as fast as I've ever seen.
I've tutored all lot of aspiring poets and am often asked, "Can anyone be a great poet?" The answer is ... "No." Anyone can be taught about meter, rhythm and rhyme (although even that is a lot harder than you'd think ... many people cannot accurately count syllables and rhythm ... Oy). But those are the mechanics of language.
Great poetry uses the mechanics of language to force-multiply an idea, ideal or insight ... the most powerful of which is an insight. You cannot teach people how to have insights. Either you have them, or you don't. Marg has them. She possesses an uncanny way of reducing a complex issue to its essence, and from that, making a declarative statement that is so simple in its assertion that it becomes profound.
Besides be willing to listen and an ability to generate insights, Marg also possesses a facility for employing humor that is particularly potent. Humor is a lot like salt: A little bit dramatically increases the flavor of the dish, too much ruins it entirely. Understanding what is the "right amount" is entirely a matter of instinct and Marg has it.
Switching Gears
Given Marg's medical condition, she is no longer able to handle the physical demands of nursing, her profession. Instead she's exploring her many creative talents her on Steemit. She is fortunate to have two very supportive people in her corner: Her husband, @azurejasper and her mom, @bluerinse.
Besides writing and poetry, she's also something of a painter and needle-worker (I don't know what it's called ... it involves needles and wool ... and no, it's not "knitting"). Personally, if I were her husband, I'd burn the paintbrushes and needles, leaving her only a pen.
"Damn you, Quill ... You're a Blood-Thirtsy Tyrant!"
My surname is "Savage" ... what did you expect?
Anyway, here's Marg's "Smile" poem entry for the aforementioned poetry contest. Go read it: It will become important in a moment.
Marg's Homework
As discussed, Marg's has many laudatory talents and traits.
One of them, however, is not "getting her homework done on time." Yes, I acknowledge, she's got some better-than-average excuses ... but I've also noticed a fair amount of gallivanting going on. Knitting scarves, for example. Shakespeare never knit scarves, did he? And, Marg lives in Australia ... a continent-sized beach. "Momma ... my hands are cold. I need a new pair of mittens." I'm not buying it.
Several months ago, Marg and I decided to embark upon an exercise: I provided a poem with every second stanza blanked out. Her assignment was to fill in the missing stanzas, replicating my style and use of meter, rhythm and rhyme scheme. Given that I "write tight," this is considerably more difficult than it sounds, which, perhaps, explains the scarves. The difficulty is that she is shackled to my story, of which she only knows half, and my manner of expression. It's like completing a jigsaw-puzzle when half the pieces are blank.
Almost-Announcing "Marg's Homework Poetry Contest"
One of the axiomatic truths I most frequently repeat to my daughter is that when you have something difficult to go through, it helps to have someone to go through it with you. Armies understand this: Soldiers are paired up with battle-buddies who are to remain inseparable in combat. Simply, misery loves company.
And you're the company.
In my next post (sometime tomorrow), I will officially announce the Contest and its details. You will receive the same assignment as Marg. In it, I will also explain the immoral manipulations and machinations I intend to employ (I'm in advertising) in an effort to coerce fat-walleted whales and dolphins into sponsoring the Contest.
Those Who Can't Do ... Teach
Here's how this whole thing got going (extracts from the comments section on Marg's "Smile" poem):
My Comment:
@girlbeforemirror,
This is bloody excellent!
For too long she smiled by halves
Her joy was halved as well
She got her power back and swore
Never again to quell.
Lovely Ballad Meter, good rhythm and rhyme scheme ... force-multiplying a powerful insight. A combination of two off-setting emotions, humor and poignance ... like "sweet and sour" ... that creates "tension/release."
Damn ... this is damned fine craft.
Note to Curators ... UPVOTE this Post at 100%!!! This was more difficult to write than it appears ... which is the hallmark of good poetry. I see @sunravelme already did ... good curation.
Quill
Marg's Reply:
Oh Quil, You make me blush! Some genius just taught a word monkey to sing an advertising jingle and then self project their tiny insular perspective/existence into the formula.
Then said teacher quietly basks in the secondary gain of the students achievement. The humble satisfaction that only great teachers understand, the satisfaction of a student who listens, learns and adequately applies the lesson learned.
Inadvertently reminding and motivating the student back towards the current task. Set some time ago... quite some time ago! And lost in a sea of half written ballads and interesting words, somewhere on fire hazard kindling in the kitchen ... Marino... Counting sheep just isn't what it used to be.
My Reply:
No one else knows what you're talking about but I can assure them, you are a very clever gal. In fact, you're so clever that your cleverness inspired your teacher to himself write a poem ... also entitled, "Smile" ... thereby increasing your competition. :-) Steel sharpens steel.
Marg, I am furiously proud of this work. As I keep telling you ... write! This is your forte.
Quill
As you can see, my original intent upon reading Marg's poem, "Smile," was to enter the contest with my own entry of the same name ... and hence, the poem at the top of this post. And so, I quickly banged out a poem to beat the deadline. But I didn't enter it.
What if I'd won?
Would not the taste of such victory have been soured by the fact that it had handed Marg a defeat on the best poem she'd ever written ... a poem in which she'd employed every technique I'd taught her to use? For all my talk about "steel sharpening steel," I am reluctant to draw a sword against my own. Someday, but not yet.
Of course, this whole line of thinking presumes I even know what I'm talking about. The world is filled with blowhards claiming high-minded expertise while providing little evidence-of-the-assertion. Those who can't do ... teach.
And so, I decided to instead use my poem as the basis of an Exercise in Comparative Analysis, thereby subjecting it to the same scrutiny and peer review with which the entries to Marg's Homework Poetry Contest will be subjected. There is more than one way that "steel can sharpen steel." And, those who judge ... ought too be judged.
Your Assignment
And so, here's what I'm asking for this post: Read Marg's poem, and mine, and leave comments in the comment section of both posts. Both poems were written using the same writing-prompt, and hence involve the same subject-matter. Your mission is to Compare and Contrast the two poems. Critique and Compliment as you see fit, but no ass-kissing stuff.
This is about making writers write better, and that must inevitably include listening to the audience. But to be worthwhile, the audience must be honest.
Special Judging Invitation
As this whole thing spring-boarded off @jassennessaj's Contest, I would like to extend a Special Judging Invitation to him. Such invitation is, of course, also extended to @donkeypong and @surpassinggoogle, the sponsors of his contest.
In addition, I'd also like to invite @d-pend and @rensoul17, both talented poets with substantial experience organizing contests and challenges, and both of whom have actively observed Marg's progression from the beginning.
Quill
Mission accepted!
So I will give you the same disclaimer I gave Marg an say I am no student of poetry. My thoughts, impressions, and critiques are about as useful as a NASCAR fan looking at a Picasso painting.
Just looking at your poem alone, here is how I interpret it:
There are two sides to humanity - the heart and the mind. The eyes reflect what's in the mind, and the mouth reflects what's in the heart. The eyes build up a life of pain, hurt, and lessons and carry them for the world to see no matter what. The heart carries the same pain, but it can be masked or healed by expressing it differently. Unlike the eyes, you can choose to smile or not to smile, and so the heart is something you can choose to open or close to someone.
The poem is a two-parter: observation of reality and recommendation for future action. Once you've established that people tend to block themselves off after getting repeatedly hurt, you go on to suggest how they can go about doing this. The smile is the key, since it opens a pathway to the heart in spite of the mind (and the eyes) leaving things closed off. There is a caution that this may be forced at first, but eventually there will be genuine laughter and connection: the foundations of true friendship.
Comparing the two poems, I think yours relies more heavily on symbolism than Marg's does. Yours is also directed outwardly, as observation and recommendation to humanity, while Marg's is directed inward, as the recounting of a personal tale of growth. I agree with @corpsvalue below in the sense that Marg's is a reflection of her own internal happiness and contentment. However, I don't see yours as the opposite (i.e., as the reflection of a resentful person). Instead I see yours as more of a neutral observation that acknowledges the flaws of humanity (dishonest smiles, the potential to be hurt or stabbed in the back). I find your poem to actually contain more hope for humanity as a whole. In her poem, it is very personal. Only an inner struggle gets resolved. In yours, you provide a path for each reader to make external connections, which has much broader implications. Hers used the smile to find joy, yours used the smile to form connections. Internal vs. external.
My takeaways, side by side:
I enjoyed both poems. I would say that Marg's resonated with me a bit more and made me "feel better", but that yours tried to provide a more nuanced look at how the world works and how to adapt to it.
And as always, here is my blanket disclaimer that this is all simply my opinion and I generally never have any idea what I am talking about :)
@dollarsandsense,
Ridiculous. This is one of the most insightful commentaries I have received in 20 years of writing poetry. I reread it 3-4 times. YOU ... NEED TO BE a Curator!!! THIS ... is what Steemit could be.
Well said. Thanks for this excellent commentary..
Quill
Well.. since you asked for a critique, I think marge's poem makes me want to smile more, and seems more expressive of a genuinely happy soul.
Yours seems more like smiling through gritted teeth due to you choice of words.
(predator/prey; stab they in the back; hearts grow cold; i need no one; to man beguile)
I think that you are discussing false faces and nongenuine smiles, and valuing laughter. But it reads like someone with a lot of resentment deciding to talk about smiling.
@corpsvalues,
The first part of you comment is self-evidently true. Marg's poem is a celebration of smiling and an admonition against self-censoring its expression.
I'm not sure I get this part: "... It reads like someone with a lot of resentment deciding to talk about smiling."
My poem observes that relationships between humans create "vulnerability" (one can only be betrayed by someone who is trusted) and, over time, (the Mind) rebels against "accepting the risks to get the rewards." Smiling (the Heart), and the expression of laughter, uses emotion to melt the ice and forge bonds of friendship in spite of the Mind's intellectual objection. It forces us to re-engage despite pains of the past. This strikes me as being a hopeful celebration of the power of smiling ... not a resentment of it or life in general.
If anyone else has any thoughts on either this comment or reply, please jump in. It's fascinating, and telling, how different people can look at the same thing and come to such different conclusions. But, of course, that is the whole point of this exercise, isn't it?
Compare and Contrast ... not just words and the mechanics of their expression, but the ideas, ideals and insights they convey.
Quill
He said:
I discussed why I am not ultimately sold on this view in my comment above, but I will say that it involves me giving you the benefit of the doubt. However, like you said:
which echos the gist of what I got out of it. Much of this hinges on me holding on until the end to make an assessment, but even then, there is still some ammunition for @corpsvalues interpretation.
My two biggest hangups:
The rest of the stanza put this in context and tells me that you are talking about other people on line 1, and the reader on lines 2-4. But even with the context it is not a far leap to see all four lines directed at the reader. Then it becomes a choice between using the power of the smile for good, or to perpetuate the evil from the first half of the poem. If you accept this alternate interpretation, then you open the door to the fact that the author acknowledges and is even implicitly OK with either option that the reader chooses, as long as they are aware of the gravity of their actions and the consequences. This is rather dark, and it's not what I got out of it, but re-reading I can see how you could take this away from it.
The second hangup:
Fool has a negative connotation to it, although I rather quickly gathered that you were referring to the mirth of a court jester kind of fool. However, it would not be a far leap to think you were belittling the concept of friendship and doubling down on the warning from the first half. Especially if you consider the alternate interpretation in my previous paragraph, then this almost reads like a balancing of the scales in favor of using smiles selfishly and presenting the reader with the choice once again: do I risk becoming the fool with honest smiles, or should I instead allow the mind to usurp the power of the smile and use it to manipulate others?
Again, this is not where I came from on my own initial read (or even subsequent reads), but just me intentionally looking at it from the opposite angle.
Okay I guess I can see what you are saying. But word connotation holds a lot of significance for me especially in poetry so I still feel like it is hard to break away from the first half. It was also really hard for me to read it in that jpeg format.
I am reading this for the first time, too late to up vote and share.
Why you show such belief in my writing is still something I am absorbing and trying to understand.
Nonetheless I appreciate that you see something there. At a time in which I have faced most recently the bitterness of being disregarded, to the point in which my final piece of self of hope was taken. Your belief in me has gifted back a piece of self. That is all that is required to continue to endure.
Thank you Paul.
@girlbeforemirror,
And I'm only getting started.
Quill
I loved your poem. As always you, you made me consider a lot more than just one side of a topic. And that is what makes your poetry unique and interesting.
You've gone beyond doing justice to a single prompt. Perhaps you've even gone "off-topic". Your poem considers the soul, the heart (emotion), character and social interactions, the mind and heart and it's reaction to others, and finally, the smile, that warmest and most universal of forms of interaction. I agree with the import of your argument - if it's an authentic smile, then smile. Otherwise, I prefer a frown, a snub, or even a punch in the nose, myself. Let's have more genuine things! And a Steem price to the moooon on the side would be grand too. More genuine inspiration and more writing about stuff we know something about or stuff we are inspired to write about (excuse my aside rant ;-)
I don't want to compare the poems. They are similar with respect to form. Otherwise, the two are mostly different.
@trumanity,
As usual, great commentary.
True.
GOL (Guffawing Out Loud). You and I are cut from the same cloth.
Nobel Prize in Literature-worthy. :-) At this point, though, just getting back to $2.50 would be pretty pee-in-your-pants inducing.
Quill
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@minnowsupport & @ecoinstant,
Thanks guys, much appreciated.
Quill
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@c-squared,
Thanks guys. I love curators. Steemit desperately needs more of the like of you.
Quill
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